Am at home… not really doin much…. Have been busy with my sister’s kids… nothing other than that.. well ya.. a little bit of tv… but, that’s not that gr8 a thing to be doing in one of the rare holidays I get….. is it?...
Its like the many summer vacations I used to spend at home doin nothing… troubling mummy all the while .. telling her “mummy, kuchh karna hai….”… on being asked what exactly I wanted to do.. I cud never give an answer….
I have always been this indecisive girl asking for “something”… never knowing what she wanted….. desiring to go “somewhere”…not knowing where…. I still carry a little bit of this trait of indecision … wen I go to restaurants alone… I always ask the waiters to choose 1 of three or four different dishes… choose clothes at shops, ..choose the best of a few selected cards…. But, this is mostly coz’ of the fact that I truly hate exceeding my monthly budget…and I cant really buy all the things that I like at the shops…. Many of us go shopping with their friends and so they can take their opinions… but, since I’m all alone.. I ask the salesmen..
I have been told by a few people that’s its really unbecoming to ask the salespeople to choose things… well, I don’t think so… and if I feel its ok.. i can surely go on doin it.. rite??? I mean, I aint being a public nuisance in doing so… wen I think I need help, I ask… is that wrong???? Or do you think asking salespeople is a lowly thing to do… well then, I only come to the conclusion that theres some malfunctioning inside your head…. Or dyu think I shud be like the ppl who cant even go to a stationery shop on their own????watevs….
Okis.. comin bak to where I was… I have always had quite lonely vacations…. Upto a certain age twas ok.. and dats coz at that age we are so carefree that anything hardly matters… but soon this dearth of a good companion started pricking my being…. Wen I was 8, my sis left for B.E… not that we were playmates.. shez around 8 ½ years elder to me… fir bhi…
Our property dispute was at full swing :) …I didn’t have cousins…. The lesser I speak bout my neighbours, the better…. I was a lonely kid living with her parents in a biiiiigggg house…. Loneliness strikes harder wen you live in big houses….
My father had a phobia…. A complex of phobias u cud say… he cudn travel by water… and so, I have hardly seen other Islands….
Mummy wanted me to learn Bharatnatyam…. I had joined classes… (wen I was in first and second standards), I hated it….. feigned illness almost daily… :D :D :D My teacher, Mrs. Subhalaksmi, still feels I was such a sick child…. Lolz..:D :D
There weren’t any salsa classes, or karate classes or guitar classes or any other thing we hear kids learning now.. in those days… these sort of things started later on wen I was so much into studies that I thot all these things wud be a waste of my precious time….and I am a core believer of the oft-repeated words.. “all that happens, Happens for good.” …. So, no complaints……:)….
Most of my friends were not locals.. they went to the mainland (to their respective states) for the hols… I was left here… with nothing but my books… my craft items… myself…
I cant play…. I don know how to put it better… but I really cant play… I remember those very early days wen I played office-office, ghar-ghar… :) :) … they were beautiful…but how can I play these games on my own????? Well, at least I don know how to…. Maybe others do…. I used to take out the barbies… arrange their homes (I had many barbies and many sets..kitchen set, bedroom set etc etc etc etc :) :) :) ) .. sit lookin at them for a while.. and then put them back into the cupboard…. My heart aches wen I think of it today…. Then it was ok… I mean I did feel sad but .. I don know… today wen I think of how alone I was… it hurts so bad….possibly, after 10-15 years, wen I luk bak at my college days….i mite cry out my heart…. :) …. Watevs..
Every moment in life prepares us for something in our future…. Or tests us to see if we deserve sumthin better in our future….
Like… I was a lonely kid.. coz God had meant a lonely youth for me… so it was a preparation.. im lonely today coz perhaps am gonna be lonelier tomorrow….i have a bad ‘today’ coz id be given a worse ‘tomorrow’…now isn’t that good??
Or probably, all the loneliness in my life will end wen this phase ends… probably… God’s testing my patience… watevs….
I thank Him.. coz’ I am so much in luv with myself….. and wat I am is coz of every single moment in my life put together….whether happy whether sad… newaz.. nothing was for bad….
Reading became a passion…. I read and read and read… one day I read of children who make imaginary friends to give them company….. I made one too… a gal of my age.. I named her Mona… didn’t work for me… I continued with my earlier ways… talking on my own… and talking to the mirror (dearest aapa, who knows it better than you? :D :D :D)…………..these are two habits(?) I don’t plan to abandon ever…. Coz the world may leave me… but the one person God will keep with me forever is Me…. I truly madly deeply love Me..:D :D
To add to all this I had some bad times with the few friends that I did make… newaz… its ok.. it does make me sad… but, I don know…I mean see… we all have our losses… we need to come to terms with them.. otherwise we’d find it very difficult to move on.. I do feel sad.. there are times I cry… there are times I write and post it on my blog.. there are times I write and delete…. There are times I speak bout all this to mummy…. But all these times I know that nothing done by God is meaningless… and since I’m God’s favoutrite….surely, all this has some reason…
Again, now.. during my hols…. I hv no one to meet, …. I had grown this grt liking for goin to the gym, the previous time id come home.. even there.. all the other ladies are aunties.. who talk of many things that really don’t interest me… theres no one of my age… but then its ok…. I shal join again this time hopefully….in kerala, I love goin to the beach….but then we all must have heard of a masculine phenomenon called ‘eve-teasing’… newaz….
There was this girl, Hajira, a little girl.. living opposite to my house…. She too was a very lonely gal… all she did was sit in her verandah and look at the people on the road…later she became friends with the kids nearby…. They all live in these apartment kind of homes…. Prolly, that’s why I so love apartments….. they say na ki the first few years of ur life shape the rest… guess dats wats happenin in my case too…
Lastly, I think of all the more severe forms of loneliness a person can suffer.. both my parents lost their parents at a very very young age… my mum was 3months old wen naani passed away, my abbu is a posthumous child…. I have my parents and they are gr8…:)…. Then I think of the ppl who live in the old age home near my hostel…. Mummy always says, “don’t always look at people above you… look also at the people below you”
God’s given me so much…..
Huzur (SAW) said.. “Nemte bhaag jaati hai, jangli ootho ki tarah.. inhe shukr ki rassi se baandhe rakho!”….roughly meaning “God’s gifts run away like wild camels… keep them tied down with ropes of gratitude!”
Angoor na mile to khatte…..
I hate friends.. coz I never really had them…:D :( :D :(
This work is licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.