Friday, 16 January 2009

Dearest Allah

Allah Paak
Please hear me… Im really sad.. You can see, can’t You? …. I was fine till a few hours back.. then why did You make me sad all of a sudden? And that too without any reason? I miss home Maalik… seriously.. I miss home so bad…. If You keep everything fine.. and clear me in all my exams… there’s 1 ½ years remaining to become a doctor… and 2 ½ years before I return home….. plz God take me home on time…. Don’t ever fail me in any exam, and teach me Malayalam, you know I need it for my practicals…. And plz Maalik, there shudn be a rural service.. even if there is , they shud allow us to do it in our states.. I cant live here any more …. Im sorry God…. But plz make me a doctor soon…. Why on earth did You create such a bloody long course???? And if You have put me into this highly-in-demand field, why don’t You give me a heart that wants to study???? Have Gynaecology tomorrow.. I haven’t read a single word.. a single word….. I wasted time… I know.. im sorry, but, still, I want You to clear me… plz do… inappropriate prayer… but, khair! Watevs now!... and I want to go bak to the place where we get roti and daal to eat….. where we get Amul butter, and dabur honey….. where the Imaam reads the dua in Urdu.. I know You must be thinking ki such a bakwaas attitude… its ok… think that way, but, plz help me….. You are God, so, language doesn’t matter to you, but, it does matter to me! Coz’ I am NOT You…. Im just a human….i want to go back to the place where aleef is followed by be pe the te se jeem che he khe and not baa taa saa…..again , You’d say, ‘baa taa saa to sahi hai mere bande’….. its ok… I know its rite.. but I want to read it ‘ be the te se’, so take me home.. and till the time I’m here, make these people change their language….. plz…..and ya.. also tell them to say ‘namaz’ instead of ‘namaskaram’ and ‘vazu’ instead of ‘oolu’….and I want to go back to the place where, when I say ‘Allah Paak’ , people won’t ask me ‘what’s Paak? ‘ or ‘why dyu say Allah Paak?’…….i know im being stupid.. but again it’s ok.. fine.. im stupid… and im irritated….. and I rather go and throw stones at Your mosques instead of hurting people … isn’t it?.. to fir hear me….. and ya.. those people who avoid you the moment they come to know you are a Muslim, for whatever reason, maybe they are scared that im a terrorist, or coz’ they hate Islam for obvious reasons, or whatever crap……..for people who hurt me in this regard….. Hurt them….. hurt them for making me cry….. hurt them for hating me just coz of my faith….. hurt them coz they hurt me…. Hurt them…….. to guide them or not is up to You, entirely… Your wish….. I’m no Prophet… my heart is no bigger than what You gave me………… so, hurt them….. whichever way.. but, make them cry coz’ they made me cry.. when I did no wrong to them….. when I did no wrong to anyone…. When all I did was believe in You…… and give wisdom to us all, that we may realize wat we do. And that wat we may do mite hurt someone who can, in turn, hurt others who did no wrong….and will I get married, ever? Naaz is getting married…. You heard bout that? Oh ya! You did…. Who else wud? So, what have You thot bout me??? This entire hijab thing has left me so confused……… thanks for being easy… You cud have made things way way difficult, but You didn’t.. thanks for that… really… but, then, why am I feeling so low ???? have You left me?.... plz don’t…. I can’t move without You.. im so sad.. and ya, plz get me out of this habit of saying ****, and all the other gaalis tha ive pikd up in the past 2 years.. plz…. And teach me the languages….. Urdu coz it’s my mother tongue…… have You forgotten that part????? What will happen to all those buks? And even otherwise… yaar, it’s my mother tongue… teach me that language plz… and this maha Malayalam…….. aug 2005 to Dec 2008 .. and I still don’t know this damned language…. How, can You plz tell me, shud I take cases???????? Or plz send me patients who understand Hindi or English… You remember that TB wala case in Medicine and now that hernia uncle in Surgery.. just like these , send me patients who speak my language. Plllllllllllzzzzzzz, why do I forget this darned damned doomed language, each time I go home???? You know I’m worse than before…I’m not able to speak a single sentence……….. Forget bout speaking, I’m not able to understand even, I mean it’s got more dificlt than easy……. And ya, why do You make me stammer wen I talk in Hindi???????? You have this strange problem with me and my languages……..Kyuuuuu?????? I mis home God…. Seriously, I do…give me wisdom and give me happiness… when one member of a couple dies, the other is left alone…. One day, either mummy or abbu will be left alone….. will You make me a good daughter then??????? Plz do….. never give them any pain…. I love them more than anything else……and plz make me a mom……and lift me above this comparing shit… uske paas itna.. mere paas nahi… etc etc etc…. that’s the whole bloody problem of our race… nai???? And plz help people understand that Im worshipping the same God as them… that ther’s one God, and we all worship Him… whether or not Muslim… tell them that I’m no alien, and nor is my God an alien…. I’m as human as they are…and plz help some Muslims who forget that there are religions beside ours and Christians and Jews…and that these others have also been made by You.. You know, that kind of people who go saying ‘Christians are our brothers, so love them…but someone else is not’ implying that we need not love them…god plz save me from them… I don’t want such friends, not even acquaintances… I have enuf tensions of my own, and don’t need anything else to stress up my life….keep me in the company of sane people God, plz plz plz….. and plz stop my tears…. I’ll fall ill….. plz … did You hear, we’ve got SPM from Monday????? How I hate it… worst of all, I need Malayalam…. Damn it yaar!!!! What if I don’t get married to Azhar?????? I’ve fought with aapa, telling You’ll take care of me then… plz do….. coz’ all I have is You. Why am I so pissed off today???? Seriously….. and thanks for giving me food…. And sorry.. but still, I don’t really like it…. Im sorry, alrite… don’t punish me…. Plz. And ya all that thing bout ‘don’t ask God to reduce ur burden, ask Him for strength to lift the burden’ kind of forwards… gr8.. bless the people who start it.. newaz… in my case.. plz plz plz Reduce my burdens… and for the remaining little burdens, give me strength as a diwali bonus…. Make my life easy make my life easy make my life easy……. A prayer full of cowardice???? Its ok….. I’m all that You made me… sorry for being rude…. You’ll understand… plz do…. Coz’ otherwise who else will………and please release me from expectations….. plz plz plz … I don’t want to expect much… actually, I want to expect … coz’ I think that’s essential for existence…. With each breath, we expect to breathe the next one.... subconsciously perhaps.. but, expectations are always there…. And they make you happy.. and they make you sad…. Mmmmmmmm, I don’t know if I want to expect or not… You know na??? ha, to bas do wat You think is rite…. And give me success…. Enuf…. Judges plz note… I said ‘enuf’……… and of course keep me happy, and help me be strong.. and grant me wisdom and never never never give my parents any pain…… plz God, and I’d be thankful if You keep us all together…. Plz don’t let any one of us be all alone… ever….. im scared… and im sad…. and there’s this crap GB today to ask wat are the changes the gals want in the hostel…. Father will be coming at 7 pm…. Give them some buddhi plz… as if the father will listen to naything… huh!!! y did u create so many languages?? Ha??? Kyu???? You shud have kept just one… any one yaar , any one.. zulu, Swahili….. or anything…. But one…… I don’t have friends coz of this damned language. And I cant stay in that hostel… ok, I need to adjust .. ain’t I already doin that…
Doctor….. watevs.. make me one alrite… now that im into it…. Plz make me one…. I don’t want to run away…. And thoda moda padha do plz….. meherbaani!!!! Got 57 chapters for tomorrow, it’s almost nine…. Newaz… mummy ko kyu beemaar kiya???? Plz don’t do that. I beg of You. You remember that prayer song we sang in school, one day at a time..?? isn’t it lovely? And plz Allah Paak, keep us from fighting… the mahaul gets so tensed up ki it’s so dificlt to breathe… we r all ladaku…. Save us.. and wenever we want to fite… come to our rescue….give us wisdom my dearest Maalik. And plz make me a good gal. I’m just so full of shit… and please make me a mom, really …plz plz plz… and give me a husband, a good one. Sorry, the best one. And ya, if I ever You any thing wrong, just correct it for me.. don’t let that car wala thing happen to me. My right eye is phadking… God plz, keep us all in Your protection… I’m being had ka superstitious, I know.. Sorry.. but khair! Jal Tu Jalaal Tu, aayi bala ko taal Tu. And know one thing that im sorry, for everything, that I’m being ungrateful.. and that I;m asking for so much.. wen there are people with lesser than me….. ppl who don’t get thru any colleges in India, and are forced to go to US or UK… or worse to those Russian speaking countries, where you spend the first year learning Russian and all the drugs names are in Russian and which are not recognized in India …… many of them show ki wow!! We r abroad but, well!! You are ther coz you cudn clear here….alrite!! watevs… good for them!!! Better for me:) take care of everyone… and take care of me a liitle bit more than others… :) plz…. And ya… thanks.. I’ve stopped crying :) … I love You… and sorry again…..Be with me… ok???? Don’t go away, now that I’m smiling… I’ll start crying again.. and trouble You again….so, be here…. Right here… and take me thru everything… plz don’t go. And ya, plz stop this eye ka phadakna.. it scares me….
Aameen
Suma Aameen


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