Have been watching LOST …. Started with season 2 only yesterday….. so today, after returning from college, I got busy watching it….
Sun had lost her wedding ring…. She had searched for it everywhere but cudn find it…. Out of frustration she rips apart the vegetable garden she had literally nurtured with such pains…. John happens to be goin that way.. they sit down to talk wen John says that he too had been really angry in the past but now , he’s not…. On being asked how did he manage to do it, he says that he ‘stopped lookin for it…’…..
I’ve just returned from the mess hall, where sister chumma commented ‘O Almas is eating rice nowadays’ ….. now, I don really know why but that got me hit really bad… Amachhi was kind enuf to say that she likes me now coz I’m being a good gal….i didn’t look up even once from my plate… I only told ‘what else can I do?’.. sometimes I feel Allah Paak isn’t helping me with Malayalam for the simple reason that I’d be thrown out of this place, if I cud actually speak…. Shikha didi also used to tell the same thing, that sometimes some patients are so irritating, they fight, they scream, as if doctors were their slaves… you feel like yelling at them so bad they forget the way to the hospital…..but you are forced to keep ur mouth shut only coz u cant really ‘get angry’ in Malayalam… same happens to me….like today, I cud have told 5988 things to my dear Sister Warden (watev her name is)…. I chose to look at the plate coz I cudn really do much….
so, then I was reminded of what John said….. he ‘stopped lookin for it’….. wen we stop lukin for something that’s lost, we get it!.....
now, I lost ‘food’, and I have been banging my head on the walls, lukin for some edible things everywhere….. I failed, got pissed off, cried, called up mummy, yelled at her, shouted at God for putting me into this mess….
I was never at peace, always hunting for food….. everywhere….
But, I finally gave up… this time wen I went home… I ate rice 90% of the time… and since I have returned, I haven’t tasted or even had a whiff of chapatti, salted bread and butter, and those kind of food items…. I have been eating rice…. The same chor and mor and manga and tenga, that I so hate…..
Am I happier?
Yes, I am…
Do I like this kind of food now?
No, I don’t
Yet, I am happier….coz’, somehow it has reduced my burden, the burden to ‘look for it’….
However, weird that sounds, I believe a lot in ‘giving up’. Im not one of those who believe that man can achieve all that he wants…… may be its just the typical Sagittarian in me, maybe all this is just coz we rnt hardworking, or coz we r such happy-go-lucky people….. I try, I fail, I try again, I fail again, I try yet again, I fail yet again… I say, ‘screw you’ .. and go my way… and being a Sagi I am not short of things to keep me busy ……… I really do feel that ‘letting go’ of things, ‘giving up’ and knowing that certain things cannot be helped after a certain extent .. is really important to be happy…..
And then do things work out for me? Alhamdulillah they do!
Allah is to you what you think He is to you . (Read this somewhere long ago).. if you believe God will take you out of ur probs.. He will….
Sometimes all u need for something to fall in the right place is to let go…..
There are three other things that I say all the time.. people who know me well must be hearing these things on a daily basis..
“Taqdeer se bada Tadbeer nahi hota” (mummy had read out a story from an old and tattered Urdu book…. This was the name of the story)
“you are not to struggle wen u r drowning, u lose out on the chances of being saved”
“what belongs to you will come to you, no matter what… it will knock on ur door itself”
i don’t mean that I never try.. I told you, I do… its just that I never myself to get something…. I don’t… but for food, (now a Sagi is half horse, remember? So he has the appetite of a horse), I got myself screwed, and not a minor form of screwing…. Huh!!! I screwed myself real bad…. As time passed, I was letting this prob take over me…. So, now I finally decided to let things be the way they are….. and trust me im happy.
I bought this little memento that read “SINCE I GAVE UP HOPE, I FEEL MUCH BETTER”….. that was in eighth standard…….i was 13 then…. Am 21 now… I still keep it on my table in my hostel room……..
Have I given up hope?
Hmmmmmmmm… not really……… “Ummeed par duniya qayam hai”… :) cant really give up on hope…..
But, I think it reminds me that at times, it’s better to give up…….
There’s this song we sung at skul…
“Love is something that you give it away, give it away, give it away
Love is something that you give it away
And it comes right back to you…..
It’s just like a magic penny
You hold it tight and you won’t have any…
Lend it, spend it, give it away….
And it comes right back to you”
Now here, love is to be given away without any conditions…..that doesn’t relate to wat im oh-so-desperately trying to explain….here the meaning of ‘give it away’ is the kind of ‘giving up’ I’m talking bout…. Like you want ‘x’…. you try to get it….. (normal humans do try…)
After a while you just ‘give up’ not in a pessimistic way…. But in the typical Sagi style of optimism…. With a positive belief………that you’ll get it, dat prolly it’s not yet time.. or watev that your heart and ur thoughts decide for you….. but, you believe that you’ll get it…….watev it is dat u want…..
We all want something more than the other things………. Maybe sub-consciously…but then ther’s always one main desire in everyone… one wish that is so overwhelming that no other wish stands close to it…….. this is the wish you see fulfilled, wen u ‘give up’…. In the way I mean……
And just in case, you know, jusssst in case, it doesn’t come bak………
Now, weren’t You the person who had let it go in the first place???????????
“Let it go… let it go where it goes..” (again, read somewhere.. don remember where)
I had gifted this bookmark to my sister (which she didn’t take care of, so, I took it for myself….), it has this quote by Swami Vivekananda, “He gets everything, who wants nothing” (or ‘he who wants nothing, gets everything,…. Don’t remember exactly)
I think I was in ninth…. Us waqt, I interpreted it to mean
‘if I don’t crave for things (meaning material and spiritual, both), I’d get it………’ e.g., I stop myself from desiring good marks ……. I get it………..
Later, in twelfth std., my interpretation of the same quote had changed (and remains the same even now)
‘if I don’t desire things……. I free myself from the need of those things… and then getting them or not is of no consequence, ….. I wud still have everything, everything that makes up my world….if I don’t desire something, if I don’t want it, and then I don’t have it, it doesn’t make a difference coz newaz I never gave it a share in making me whole’
So, wat I mean is … If I get over my desire for something, let go of something in the hope that it’d come bak……. Not because you are dependent on it to come bak (coz’ that doesn’t mean letting go), but coz, as I told, wats urs wil come bak to u , no matter wat….. and If it dosnt (coz’ it wasn’t urs, so, it didn’t come bak), big deal!!! You had let it go, you had freed urself from its contribution to ur wholeness….. so u r newaz…..Whole……
Is there anyone who’d understand this post?
Yes, mummy :) :)
“Know that all is well always, everything is unfolding as it should”
Know Agatha Christie???? Shez a famous author, famous for her suspense stories…….
But, she has written some love stories as well, under the pseudonym, Mary Westmacott….. I have read only one of these, GIANT’S BREAD………..
It’s the most beautiful novel, I’ve read in my life……
Here’s something from Giant’s Bread,
“I know what I want and go for it—he doesn’t know what he wants, or, rather doesn’t want it. But, IT goes for him… and that IT whatever it is, will be served—no matter at what cost.”
Also from Giant’s Bread,
“You can have the brains to foresee things, and the wits to plan things and the force to succeed, but with all the cleverness in the world you can’t avoid suffering one way or another.”
“God knew best. One rebelled at the time, but one came at last to realize that whatever happened was really for the best.”
Let’s end with the serenity prayer
“God, give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
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