Saturday, 25 April 2009

Of All Things Me.....

Assalam
It’s my time to rant. I’m sad. well, it’s not that sad kind of sad to which people wud come running to you and ask you what’s the matter.. don’t feel sad, don’t be upset, it’s ok.. etc etc etc… it’s a very MY kind of sad.. where I laugh around the whole day forgetting wat my problems are and every other moment my heart gets that heavy feeling which I cant explain and then again I remember that oh hell! Wat a crap reason to be sad bout! And well.. I go about clowning again!
This reminds me of the prayer song, “Count Your Blessings”…
I suddenly remember the words,
“Close thine eyes and as thou sleepest, Heaven will change thy fortune from evil to good”
Don remember where exactly I read it.. but, well.. I think it’s beautiful.
Have u ever noticed how problems seem easier wen we sleep them over.
Khair to, aaj im sad…I love my sadness you know! Im that typical Sagittarian who is so crazily in love with himself that the world ceases to mean much for him. Isiliye, my sadness is also something I find better than others’ sadness. I hate it the way people “express” the sadness on their faces…. This “:(“ … exactly like that.
:D :D :D :D
It irritates me like hell. It’s like calling people to sympathise with tthem, and wen they come to you to ask, you say them “nothing” , like a thousand times…. Before finally telling them the A-Z of ur problem, swallowing up a good 4 hrs of the person’s time.
You cud hav well told it in the first place.
Newaz
Well, wat do I do?
Ummm. Like today, it tuk me quite some time to realize that I was sad….. I have this habit of killing my sadness. O ya! Now I get it! that’s why that “close thine eyes” thing popped into my head. Its coz… I just let myself be for the time knowing it well enuf that tomorrow wud be another day inshaAllah and I wudn be as sad as im today inshaAllah.
This reminds me of,

“Life is a blend of joy and sorrow,
Today if it aches , Happiness will come tomorrwow”

I found this on a bookmark.
I love collecting bookmarks. :)
I love making bookmarks. :)
I love bookmarks. :)
I love books. :)

Ummm… another thing I do wen im sad is that I move away… like.. I go somewhere else… ummm… ‘removal of the causative agent’.. that kind of thing.
Coz I know all these bursts are of really really short intervals, and id be ok in no time.
And again these short intervals are a trait of the zodiac Sagittarius.
….
Sometimes I speak to mummy. I don’t speak much to Azhar nowadays. I stopped speakin to Anisa long back. I hardly,if ever, say things to Amuda, though I to like her more than earlier. And well, I don’t need any sympathy. I don’t need any suggestions. I don’t need anything. I just want someone to listen. Or maybe I don’t even want anyone to listen. Maybe I just say coz I feel lke saying, and not really say TO someone. I don’t expect any response. Im not lukin at anyone for support. That’s just not me. Isliye, I found it so amusing to receive comments on that poem I wrote sometime bak. :D well, I don know.
I spoke to mummy abhi.
Faaris is a lovely child. I hate ppl who talk negative. Everything in life has a positive side to it. every person has a positive side, luk at that, not at the negative side.
So, ya.
Sometimes I want someone to listen, and after telling them everything, I realize that I shud never be telling them anything ever again.
There’s no one to whom I say things except mummy. I remember once in my first few months of first year, I was crying bout missin home in front of anisa and she’d told me “…..even others have started getting fed up of ur missin home…..”
Today, anisa told me she wants to go home tomorrow coz she wudn be able to go home for a long time now….. :) 1 month. 2 months maybe.
:) … she returned from home a week ago, she’s goin again tomorrow.
I never cried bout ‘missin home’ to anyone again.
And btw she lives in Cochin… I live in a place that luks more like a part of Indonesia than India.

I have tis excellent mechanism of ‘shutting off’ myself. I don know how to explain it.
I can beautifully throw people out of my life.
Something like ‘doodh se makhi nikal fekna’. I can break relations very easily. I END things with people. I hate having to do anything with people I don like. Somehow, the entire problem wid Anisa is that I know things that make me so want to ‘shut’ myself from her, but I cant. And so all the anger episodes.
I didn’t like Poonam. I stopped talking to her. COMPLETELY. I don hate her. But, prolly if I’d lived with her, I’d have hated her. Dislike turns to hate if you expose yourself to the dislike enuf to let it grow into hate.
If you kill the dislike itself, there wont be no hate. Thank God we were ruled by Great Britain and not America. There wont be ANY hate.
I know many ppl telling that given a chance they’d kill so and so person.
Aapa had asked me once whom wud I kill, I told ‘George Bush’. Now wen I think of it, it’s amusing that I don’t have anyone whom I HATE enuf to kill. It’s sad in certain ways.

My eyes are tired.
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Well… its 3.23 am now. I’d slept us waqt. I got up by Azhar’s call. We spoke bout things. Ended a 1 month long ‘silent resistance’ :) Alhamdulillah.
“Close thine eyes and as thou sleepest, Heaven will change thy fortune from evil to good.”

So, I have this ‘shut down’ mechanism in me. Coz I so hate being wid ppl I don like. There’s also this feeling in me that all relations that DO EXIST.. exist coz’ of God’s Will of course, manifesting thru mine!
I seriously feel that only those of my relations work that I want shud work, that I try to make work. One being with my family, not abbu mummy… or maybe them too. I don know.
I have this thing in me ki I HAVE TO make it work… maybe coz ive seen such a small family, maybe coz of all that I saw at home. They say the first 8 yrs form the rest of ur life.
Again I thank God for makin me a Sagittarian. Prolly it’s that special brand of over-optimism that has kept me goin. I thank God for givin me such a wonderful view of life.
I feel I have the best of everything, I know I aint the best, I know many things bout me aren’t the best and yet I know im the best coz’ well wat can be better than me? This is that typical Sagittarian thing of ‘the world has such a lot of poverty, starvation, corruption, violence, bad people… but hey, isn’t the world so beautiful?’… I don just say it… I LIVE it.. each second of my life.
So iwas sayin how I WORK at a few relations coz I want them. I have known a family of abbu mummy aapa me. Full Stop. Later there was Azhar. This is my world, and so I treasure them, and I know that if I want these relations to work, I’ll have to work. Ive seen people go away. Everyone. Ive seen the house empty with each passing year upto finally wen there’s no one. I know relations are a joke. I know it all crashes down. I know nothing is true. And so wen aapa says she’ll stop comin home, I know its time for me to think….. either do wat she’s telling me to or lose yet another person. But, this is so not like a Sagi.. and so I fear, one day I’ll change. I’ll be myself and break free.
I don want to. I cant lose my family.
Hajira is also alone. Actually, WAS. She found a friend later, that Bengali boy. When I used to see her stand alone in the verandah looking down at the people on the road with that empty look, my heart used to go out to her. No child shud ever be lonely.
Thank God I cry so much. It reduces the pressure build up.
Anju had told me, it’s showing ur weakness. Whatevs. I don believe in 99% of the things she tells me. I feel crying is OK…. Anytime anywhere. I don give a fuck to ppl. So its fine wid me. I cry like a baby on the road, and the next day wen I pass by the same road in the best of moods, I wonder why ppl are lukin at me in such a strange way, and it takes time to realize ki yaar! It’s coz I was crying here. Fuck the crap! Do I care?? Hell..no!

I have this ‘shut off’ for things as well. I have wanted to be a journalist, a teacher, a historian, an archaeologist, an interior decorator and wat not…. NEVER a doctor. i have hated it from ever, never knowin why.
Yes, English and History were my favourite, … but I didn’t hate biology… biology is the only part of science that I did like.. zoology to be precise. I hate science otherwise. Not the knowledge. I love learning. I love knowing. That again makes me a Sagi :) . but I don’t like the scientific applications to change certain things. I don like the attempts of medicine to treat all diseases. I know it sounds so StoneAgeish… but I seriously believe that the more we probe into it, the more diseases God will throw upon us. Whom are we trying to fite? God? I believe in it since God knows wen. But ive never been a real believer in medicine. Precisel the reason why I didn’t take my meds properly for vitiligo… I know the chance of this condition being treated is so low, and so I don want to fite God by still trying to go here and there and high and low to try to treat it. the surgery thingie is just not happening, and I believe its coz the time hasn’t come yet. Wen it wud be time for it to happen, it wud. Wat has to happen, happens. Wats not to happen, wont. We cant change a thing in that.
Yes.. am a bhagyawaadi… people call us bhagyawaadis ‘lazy’ ones who blame it all on destiny.
They forget that we bhaagyawaadis also give the credit of all our good to destiny.
At least that’s the kind I am. And hey aren’t Sagis believers in destiny??? :) they are hardcore believers. They are the least hard working of all, they are the most happy-go-lucky ppl. Weder take it in a gud sense, or bad.
To, jo hona hai who hoke rahega!

“Bhagya se zyada aur samay se pehle
Na kisi ko mila hai na milega”


And there was this story mummy had read out to me from an old Urdu book at home, twas bout destiny. The name of the story was

“Taqdeer se badhkar tadbeer nahi hota”


With the same message. This is my motto in life, if i can call it that. That story changed my life. It made me a believer in the Word of God…. That other Word of God. This word that we call destiny…. That beautiful big pen with which God wrote the story of the world, all that was to come, all that would be. And nothing’s gonna happen that wasn’t written. My sittin here and typing on my lappy.. this was destined. Thiskjvvkjvibcefbnoi typing this , twas destined. A b c f rk . every alphabet that I type, the order in which I type, twas destined.
I read sometime back, an Islamic book on ‘Fatalism’.. don remember the name now… twas the two extremities, how one group of people believe that everything is in their hands, and another that nothing is in their hands. The author told it was wrong and that we shud chose a middle way. The first way is obviously wrong coz we cant do anything without God’s will. The other is wrong too coz then we r sayin that we r mere stones and trees with no will. God has made us Ashraf-ul-Makhluqaat……(abbu’s most favourite phrase or whatever u call it), so we r definitely better than stones.
But well, I believe we r nothing better than stones wen it comes to ‘will’ . we r ashraf only in the other ways of talking and blah blah…. The ‘will’ remains entirely in Allah’s hands. And ya, like ive told earlier in the blog, I absolutely hate the fact that MS Word doesn’t give a capital A to Allah. Vndfknvk Jehovah .. oh! It gets a capital j . whatever.

So, mbbs is something I have hated from ever and ever.
Well, aapa wanted to be a doctor. we had known that aapa will be a doctor. It was like, there cud possibly be nothing else. I know its strange, but, I don know. And then aapa lost mbbs by 1 point. She lost it. she cried. She didn’t get it. something that was so sure to happen didn’t happen. I don remember much of the incident except aapa crying. Twas not a big event in my life or anything like dat… but well I was in the first 8 yrs of my life. And all I know today is hating mbbs widout any sane reason. Knowin that this degree can give me a chance of service, returning to humanity wat I tuk from it, get a satisfaction dat no other profession gives, and to top it all, bring in money…. Loads and loads of money. Yes, money and job satisfaction don’t go hand in hand. Ill have to choose one. Watevs, both are gud enuf.
I guess, my subconscious got tuned to hate mbbs. Like the story of the sour grapes.
And well, among many other things that form part of my belief system, the subconscious mind is one essential part.

I have also shut myself from ‘building houses’, I am an ‘apartment’ person. I remember even as a kid I always told mummy how nice twud be to live in a colony, to live in a small house, of course I was grateful for wat Allah had given me, I learnt gratitude early in life. Alhamdulillah! But I alwas thot how nice it wud be to have a small house, a ‘quarter’ in a ‘colony’. Know why? Coz there’d be people.
Of course, I no longer think that way. Im very happy with my big empty house, Alhamdulillah. But I still haven’t got over the ‘building a house’ fear. Now, this is a recnt fear. Though I started likin the ‘apartment’ idea long bak, I was never so repulsed to getin a house constructed for myself as I am today. Again rooting from the pains my parents tuk to get that new house made. It’s done Alhamdulillah but we don’t live there! :) we r just too used to live in that old big wooden house. :D
I know a pain that can only be felt. I don’t ever want to screw up my life makin a house. I tell everyone, never to do it. never to screw up their lives.
My worst fear is finaly getting screwed just like it happened wid mbbs.\\

Screwing reminds me of the exam today. My end posting, that I screwed up. I told adherent leucoma for an absolute glaucoma. Alhamdulillah I passed. Scrape passed 11/20.
Well, that’s for confrontation. I ignore my other blogs way too much. Almas doesn’t like. But she’s a busy gal. theory of relativity.
Slow people, since they are slow, appear relatively busier than the rest.

I have an OCD of ‘bismillah’. I say bismillah shareef 10-15 times befor I start makin vazu or prayer.

I hate pretences. I read a blog today bout pretentious friends. I hate pretences.
Everything is so fake.
I cant smile spontaneously. Today Azhar told me ki my processor is slow. Oh! Seriously it is.
Got labour room from mnday. Goin to be gud inshaallah. At least that’s wat I hope.
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I fell asleep, and saw ghosts, ppl actually but I recognize them and then as usual I start reading kalimahs. I saw Bhatia in the hospital callin me wid his “meow”. Callin me for iftar , I realize he’s dead so I run, I see am actually in the past…. See ‘soda-kuppi’ glasses and think ya! Dats why many aren’t pseudophakic… the hospital luks difrnt, patients are way lesser…. I strain my ears to confirm the language, yes it’s Malayalam.

I drift in and out of sleep.

I see my laptop is a cardboard ka piece. I realize it’s a dream. I realize it’s a satanic dream.. I realized it in the 1st dream itself, coz I recognize them…but now I know the purpose…. He wants me to miss my prayer.

Ya there was something bout Eklavya bhaiya, Mohan uncle too…. All of us in a car.. and Anu and me eating ice creams and chicken.
Last me I felt a cat near my leg, a black cat. I caressed it gently… black cat is the evil cat. And then she turns into a mouse. I wake up. I read fajr, Alhamdulillah.
I think the whole black and white dream thing is so stupid.
I have alwas dreamed in color. And most of the ppl do, I believe,
A ceraain person in a certan forum (don remember who and which forum) had speak of central vision colouring and peripheral b&w. ummmm quite true. central vision is always more vivid than periph vision in the dreams.
newaz. i prayed

--------------------------------
i slept again
and now im goin to the hospital. inshaAllah will start the series posts, will start the links blog and will write the comment disclaimer today. and ya. comments are not essential ..if u hav read this post. thanks newaz. :)
Allah hafiz

7 comments:

xoxo, nadia said...

Hi ALMAS! Took me quite some time to get through the whole thing.

Alot of the things are personal so I wont comment on them but...

LOL at crying anywhere, anytime. I feel ya girl. I do it. I cried on a busy street and people looked at me like I was crazy. I just stared them down with my eyes full of tears.
I cry because I need a release. After I cry, I feel better afterwards.

People call me a cry baby but everyone has their way of managing situations. I used to be the girl who punched anything when I was upset or angry. But I realised it hurt waaay too much LOL. So I switched to crying. Works better for me.

Alhamdulillah for passing your exam! I passed mine too. HIGH FIVE.

Glad you spoke to Azhar (:

●๋•guℓѕнαn●๋•™ said...

Assallam Aliekum aapi

i read it ..full :D...and i am tired..phew..

i hope u start feeling better..i mean no sympathy..or ya may be ..a lil sympathy...anyways nothing fake..genuinely i want u to get better :)

Allah Hafiz

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

@ nads
:) heyyy congrats u cleared ur exam..
Alhamdulillah!
and ya!!! crying is wonderful :D :D :D
im so glad you dont view 'crying' as silly. it does appear silly but like u told, diffrn ppl hav diffrn ways of managing situations... :)
tc dearie
lov u lots!


@ gulshan
walaykum assalam bache...
lolz :D :D :D
yupps!! twas a longg one.
well, yes Alhamdulillah im better :)
lov u gulguli :)

Bengali Muslimah said...

“Life is a blend of joy and sorrow,
Today if it aches , Happiness will come tomorrwow”

that sounds so beautiful! =)

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

yupps :)
it is indeed beautiful :)

Shy said...

read u'r entire post.could make sense from the most of it except where u have used some stupid medical jargons....
its ok...
heard my hello tune (9932080401)...goes for you...
everyone cries...everyone misses home. i hate anisa for saying that to u...
i also cry in office like a baby...u know hiccups wala..imagine a lady,DM,mother of 2 crying like that...once whwn i cried a friend of mine came and just sat near me and was sitting for the entire crying episode...said nothing...just listened to my sobbing,hiccups...when i finished and regained my self back , my fren got up and said'hota hai kabhi kabhi' never questioned ki why did u cry...surprising i felt good.......don know why

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

AAPA
there were hardly any medical jargon... aap kyu jhut bolti rehti hamesha?????
and dont paste ur number like dat anywhere else madam....plzzz..
and ha...
that was nice of ur friend... it's way better than the fake sympathy some people show... i hate fake sympathy...
for most of tje times you rather NOT say ur problems... coz anything that u say can be used against you... later.. by the same person... if u feel like crying.. go ahead cry...dont bother bout being a mum of 2 or being a DM.... nothing's bigger than happiness aapa.... nothing.... and btw.. tell Miss Mukta ... Kiran IS a happy person.. happy are the people who try to be happy....
:D
lllove you....

Now reading ... "The Witch of Portobello" by 'Paulo Coelho'.

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