Tuesday, 19 May 2009

All I Wanted Was...

Dearest Azhar
I seriously cant believe that it has happened. We have been fighting for ages, we have been moving apart so often, yet we always came back together. What saddens me is that 9 times out of 10. it’s me who’s returned looking for you. You had returned only once. Your need to have me back has went on reducing over time .. upto a point where now you don’t need me at all. And of course, why would you need me? You have people. People – something I don’t have and well, going by the way things are going, I don’t think I will ever have. Probably, if I did have people with me, you too wud hav been with me. Prolly, I wudn have been so difficult, I wudn have needed you, but then Azhar, I don’t think not needing someone is much of a love. Prolly if I had people in my life, I wud be so busy wid dem that I too wudn bother bout someone living miles away from me. But, very unfortunately…. I don’t have people in my life.
I woke up after a long sleep, and I got this sudden urge to call you up and to cry and say that I am sorry for doing wat I did, and that I cant live without you… but then now im thinking, to whom am I trying to go back? Someone who doesn’t even want to call me. You remember the one time wen you had called me Azhar? I had come back in a way, no one will ever come back for you. I loved you Azhar. Or maybe I didn’t. But, I made myself love you only coz you loved me so much.
All these days I have only tried to look at the good side of you…. Is there nothing bad in you? Nothing at all? No, my dear… there’s as much badness in you as is in me. But, I have always thot of how you were the one to stand with me thru all my ‘thins’ in life. Im very grateful for that Azhar. Thank you! I know, it’s a very small phrase in return to all that your being there means….but newaz. Maybe im being paranoid, but I get this feeling now that prolly you remained just coz of that Taurean need for stability. Just coz it feels good to be in a stable relationship.
There’s only once I have felt you needed me. Why so Azhar ?
You once read out a quote to me, “everything happens to everyone sooner or later, if there is time.”
So, all we want is time Azhar, and you’d know, you’d understand each thing that I want you to understand.
What you give is what you get.
It’s hurts so bad to realize that you don’t miss me. And it hurts even worse to know that I loved you for almost a decade…..
That message you sent me on Sunday was just a part of the ritual you thot is needed. It wasn’t from ur heart. You know it well Azhar that I can understand things. And so you shud know how bad it hurts.
I just want you to remember one thing and that is ‘people’… the normal ones whom we meet daily,… they change with changing times….. they don’t remain the same… who loves you today mite not love you tomorrow. Even if you have been born with the brightest of stars ruling the sky, at some point or the other along life’s way, there’s always a cloud blocking it’s brightness from reaching ur life.
What I mean is, today you are in a crowd and u aren’t able to think bout me…. But tomorrow situations may reverse…
Oh! Let’s not talk bout me! I wonder if I will ever have ‘anyone’, forget the crowd.
But, well… You will definitely have a silent phase Azhar, everyone does… I don’t mean that the world will walk out on you. I just mean that you will be to yourself in ur purest form, widout the need to ‘attend’ to people who came maybe since ur birth, or who came a few months back. And then Azhar, im sure you’ll think of me.
Im sure Azhar there’ll be a time in ur life wen someone, anyone.. wud NOT need you.. and you wud need him/her. Then, Azhar.. im sure you’d think of me.
It somehow feels that you were waiting to hear wat I told you. Good then. Be happy.
I know you’ve done a lot for me, but well… haven’t I done a lot too?
And now if you look at what we both have put into this relation, you’d notice Azhar.. that you gave me from wat remained of others… you kept me above urself but you kept me below others…..
I kept you way way way bove others Azhar… and I guess, that is one reason I lost the ‘people’ from my life. I changed my entire life for you. Did you change anything? Anything that I TOLD you to change, that I begged of you to change…..?
That I fought with you to change?
It is most unfortunate.
I don know if I’ll be able to keep myself from calling u up… I don know… I wish I can.
I feel so lost Azhar….
They say that company shows u wat people want you to be and solitude shows you wat you are.
I wonder what you ARE…..
We all have our destinies written long long back…. And I have two predictions, one is by our dear Linda Goodman.. the one you know so well… and then there’s this one by Mukta, my personalized prediction… that says you and me are not meant to be…
We can only wait and watch….
But, im crushed totally. Not being needed is a bad feeling. Trust me.
U wud never understand Azhar….
I can never understand wat it is to balance people in ur life… tc of all ur friends…. Coz I don’t have them….
Like wise you can never understand wat it is to be lonely….
Yet, Azhar I believe that if there are two people who love each other and one has some kind of a problem, loneliness being the worst, the other SHUD lift him/her up. You didn’t lift me up Azhar. You pushed me further down with the load of the people in ur lives.
U remember wat I told u in Chennai?
That we’ll work out everything, coz this relation has a beautiful story behind it… a stor that I don’t wish to lose…………
Exactly, I had told WE will work it out.. not ME alone….
Im fed up of putting my efforts into this relation…
Im not even like those gals who don’t speak out wat they want.. who leave it to their boys to imagine what cud be going wrong.. why is my galfriend sad… what IS it that she wants…..and trust me Azhar.. majority of the gals are like that… S T R A N G E.
I have never played this silly game. I have always told what I wanted… I have always given reasons…. I have been so clear.. so open… and yet… you cant give me anything… it’s so sad Azhar.
Just sit down and count the things I have asked you to do….. number them … then check on all the things that yyou do…. And count the number of positives and rate urself. you’d know urself where u stand.
It’s even stranger that all that I have written now, here,…. is also not new to you… I have repeated it so many times that I cant keep count.
It’s like telling you Azhar I want a pen.. a chalk …. And a notebook daily…
The first day you bring me the pen…
…………………………..thats it…………………
And after 1 month, I cry I scream for all the pens chalks and notebooks I had asked for….
You say, ‘Im sorry Almas, I have been a jerk… I know I have hurt you. I am sorry.’
And then I wipe off my tears, I remember all the beautiful things that I think you are.. and I say… “Azhar, I want a PEN, a CHALK, and a NOTEBOOK….D-A-I-L-Y”………

And the cycle repeats……
Newaz Azhu….
“The worst thing in life is “ATTACHMENT”, it hurts wen you lose it…The best thing in life is “LONELINESS” becoz it teaches you more than anything else can… and wen you lose it…. you get EVERYTHING”



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