Friday, 26 June 2009

I Love You Alrite.... But Never More Than Myself!


I had a fight with someone abhi abhi.. not exactly a fite.. but… well.. I think, after all, a fight. This person called me up and told that he wasn’t able to understand anything that was being taught in the class….and that all he had been doing was ‘messaging’ people…. That set me off.. coz well, he sent me only ‘THREE’ messages. And that too not coz he was getting bored or something but just coz something bout an sms that I sent him last night didn’t seem right to him. He wanted to know if the sms that I sent him last night meant wat it read or did it have a sarcastic undertone…
Well, it didn’t.
Then he told a sorry for asking so.
I asked him why was he apologizing.
To which he replied that he’d thot that I was angry and that’s why.
I told ki I was not and that its ok.. and not to reply….
You see, I told him ‘not to reply’ and he knows it that I tell ‘don’t reply’ only wen I feel he’s busy and I shudn be disturbing him.
The jerk never told me that it was ok and that he cud chat wid me coz anyways he wasn’t listening to the class.
Instead, he thot it’d be better to chat wid other ppl, including his sister.. the sister he meets everyday, the sister with whom he lives.
Each time I console myself and get on wid my ‘count the blessings’ this asshole does something that makes me feel like it’s all just not worth it.
Maybe im being over demanding… but then I think i have met so many of his demands that im entitled to get wat I ask of him.
I don’t understand why I keep pinning my hopes on him.
Probably coz he IS better than the rest…
The first thing that comes to my mind is, “andhon mein kaana raja” but, it’s not that… now .. no one in this world is perfect and so, he too has his faults.. but on the whole there are so many things good bout him that I just cant overlook them. I cant get myself to be so ungrateful that I shut down the good chapters in my life and concentrate on the bad ones and accuse him and accuse him and accuse him.
I try to be the kind of person that I shud be.. not letting my actions be based upon another person’s actions.. trying not to be the ‘I-wil-do-to-you-wat-you-did-to-me’… but you see, Am a human and I end up being influenced by the bad more than the good. I end up reacting in a way that I shudnt .. or maybe I shud.. I don’t know.
The bottomline is that a person, I mean, an ‘ideal’ person shudn base his actions upon someone else’s. like if he kicked me, I too shall kick him. If he abuses me, I too shall abuse him. But this is a super-humanly trait. I mean, it’s grt if we can do it but if we cant …there’s nothing wrong in that. Coz, I believe that a human, a ‘normal’ human wasn’t programmed to be so ‘feeling-less’. Normal humans tend to be in need of reciprocation.
As a super-human-idealistic-concept I can say that love is self-less and blah blah.
But being human, the same old human that I am, I need to realize and accept that love is selfless TO AN EXTENT and beyond that it is selfish, and if this selfish need isn’t met, the love gets disastrously selfish….i mean that this ‘selfishness’ goes on increasing to a level that can be dangerous.
It’s kind of like wat God says to the believers, ‘It’s better if we forgive.. but there’s no harm if we defend ourselves for justice.’
So, I think I aint being all that wrong wen it comes to the way im behaving towards this person in my life.

Im only asking back for wat I once gave him- ‘dedication’.
Yes, he’s given me a lot of other things… and those are things that are the exact reason why im hanging on, why I calm myself down and buoy myself up to look at the brighter side of things…
But, still…. As a human …. I want the ‘dedication’ back. To say that I shud reverse my life and make things the way they were once upon a time is so stupid. We all know that things done cannot be changed.
Nothing can be changed.
I can only move on.
And I ma moving on, aint i?
I only want him to move on the same way that he once prescribed for me.
And if he doent…
Well… I am most definitely gonna be pissed off….
Most definitely

You see, I will go on with this for as long as I can. Coz I treasure relationships.. I have very few of them and so I try to nourish each one that I have. Kabhi I fail, kabhi I pass… but, that’s perfectly ok. I try in the least.. and that’s enuf for me.
And so, I will try to take this for as long as I can. If on the way, I break down, you’ll know why.
I don’t want to be the person who didn’t give her best.
I never give my best to studies… I have got an exam on Monday and here I am sittin wid my lappy.
But, wen it comes to relations, I feel… I shud give my best… I shud…. And inshaAlllah I will…. To every relation.
But if on the way something goes wrong, remember I am, after all, a human.
I can’t show an unlimited capacity to absorb. I WON’T show an unlimited capacity to absorb.
If I ever decide on holding on to some thing, it’s not coz of the ‘thing’ , but coz of my own self, my own need to be that which I think is the way someone shud be.

If I put up with something, it’s my own need to… a test that I want to put myself thru, a lesson I want to learn, an example I want to set for myself, a belief that I have in ‘karma’. I want to make myself a stronger person, not just another sissy person you meet everywhere.
And wat exactly makes me strong is for me to decide.
The line between being forbearing and being exploited is a thin one… so thin that it wud be crazy to define its standard.
It shud rather be subjective, and hence, I shall choose to forbear till wen I fell like it.
And wen I feel it’s done… tab it’s done.
I will give it my best, I promise.
But, no, inshaAllah I wont break myself in the process.
There’s always a choice.
I have the choice now… and I shall have the choice then too.
I have chosen now…. And I shall choose then too.
But, there’s no rule that forces me to choose the same thing twice.

So newaz.
Allah hafiz.


Bengali Muslimah said...

Girl, i feel you! i really do trust me.
Boys are stupid, unless you tell them something directly to their face, they won't get it. So ultimately it becomes us girls' fault that the relationship is at risk. What the heckk.

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

Huh. . Boys are stupid is an understatement. . . :/
it IS most irritating that the girls have to see a relation through. . Seriously. .
of course there must be some good ones out there. . But thats exactly what the situation is . . They are sooooo "SOME" :/


Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.



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