Friday, 24 July 2009

Allah Paak!!! Thanks for a Terrific Day :) and am so sorry :(

I have read so many stories saying that a little word of kindness can change the lives of people…. If u hav ever read a Chicken Soup book, u must have read stories where people write that they were bout to comit suicide wen they received a phone call from someone or a simple hello from a policeman.. and it stopped them from commiting suicide…. Well, I totally believe in this….
And that is precisely why I love the fact that my abbu has more friends among the ‘not-so-hi-fi’ group of people…. I myself make it a point to greet everyone who is at a not-so-good-position… kyuki ameer ko to koi bhi izzat de dega.. gareeb se pyaar karne waale koi nai hote….
Moving away from the ‘riches’, if we simply look at our normal lives…. In our classrooms… we’d find people who ‘need’ others… well, I don mean ‘need’ exactly, but, I guess you know wat I mean….
Well…. Here in my college, I don’t find anyone of this category… but back in school, trust me there were quite a handful….
These were the silent kids whom people loved to bully, loved to laugh at… and who were simply very very different from the kind of gang I belonged to…

Today a scrap from someone made my day…. Made me love myself (that is if I cud love myself any more than I already do) and made my belief stronger that we shud be ‘ourselves’ and not wat people try to make us……(coz ‘myself’ is gr8 :) )

Here is the scrap:

hey no saab nd al ok...frnds rights...nd almas i respect u th most..i still remember i used to sit in one corner in class nd u used to say hii rohit.kaisa hoo...gudmorning rohit.. nd make me feel active nd live specially those days after that serious accedent...nd u gave ur notes for studies in that crucial time of 2nd monthly test exams.. i was more dippressed nd sad wth myself...but Almas u made me realize hw to live is not over..UR a very Special person nd th most respect ful one.. i may be little slow in responce w.r.t other peoples but pls don't mind dear..u knw my nature,i hope u understand...nw in Jaipur for a week in holidays wth relatives nd frnds here..thn backn to mumbai for trainings..aur mein aircraft engg kar raha hoon stream-(mech+radio nav) not during test fly(without passengers) we r supposed to fly for checking th performance nd engine ratings of aircraft..

And I cant thank God enuf for the today that he gave me…
Today is 23rd July… exactly 7 yrs ago.. on the 23rd of July, 2002… Azhar and I had patched up after a 3 month long fight. Twas not actually a fite… I had simply told him that I cudn stay wid him any longer coz I didn’t ‘trust’ him…. That was on 11th April’02 and after that he called me up on 23rd/07/02 to say that he really loved me, and missed me…..
So, we have always celebrated this day as a ‘2nd’ anniversary.. the main anniversary being celebrated each yr on 23rd Sep…. the day wen we first spoke (23rd Sep’01)…..
Had we been ‘together’, today wud hav been a happy day…..which wud hav turned sad coz Azhar wudn hav had time for me… well, newaz…

Today, I decided to again look for the reasons of God for ‘ditching’ me in the way He did … something I haven’t written in this blog, and I don’t think I’ll ever write bout…but newaz…
I sat down and started thinking (like my usual self) ki Allah Paak must have done this coz He wanted this to happen and that to happen and He knew that this wud not let it happen and that wud let it happen.. and the blah blah.. u know wat I mean….
And so I was trying to reconcile myself to a little thing which though may appear to be a small loss…. Means a lot more to me….


In the evening Allah Paak reversed all that I had been thinking, He gave me that wat I wanted…
I hadn’t been ditched.
God had only placed my call on hold….

I am happy coz’ a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders, I’m happy coz’ well… am happy….
All the things I had been feeling off-late… all of them were erased in a little second…..
But know wat???
Something in me is pricking bad…

Rewind the tape to a few days bak….
Well…. One of my dresses was spoilt and I had cursed God…. I ad let out my steam coz basically I was angry at God for “ditching” me… the dress was only a bahana.. I fought with him.. I shouted.. I demanded… and I didn’t pray.. the Miraaj Shareef ka namaz… now, of course, it is not farz… in fact, many say that we shudn pray it at all… but, well… I didn’t pray for a sole reason…”Allah, I wont pray coz I am katti with you”…

My mummy was very upset.. coz this was so-not-me… she was scared coz she didn’t want me to lose iman….
She was wonderstruck to see me behave in this way.. coz’ I’m generally the ‘Alhamdulillah alaa kulli haal’ gal…well.. so she prayed to God for a ‘miracle’…
That wud make my dress alrite again…

The next day, the dress was like nothing had happened to it…….
I was happy. I wanted to wear it on the first day of final year… I cud wear it now.
But again.. something in me was pricking bad…

I have realized that getting wat we want is not ecstatic….if u have fought with God over it… Patience is beautiful. If only I had sabr… I wudn hav fought with God.. and today I wud hav felt ki God rewarded me for my sabr and trust me I wud be flying.. but…
I failed the test….
I lost it…
I shouted at God… demanded Him to make it alrite……
I went against my core belief of ‘Teri khwahish me meri khwahish’…….
And then… God gave me the things I fought for…
I don’t feel like I have earned it.. you know the verse “Every soul gets every good that it earns..”…
I’m thankful to Allah for making this day so wonderful… for the ‘restitution’ of the dress… but I feel like…. I cant look at God straight in the eyes……..
Not that I can look at Him straight in the eyes otherwise.. but, well.. u know wat I mean…

U know … my parents always give me wat I want…. To the best they can afford…
And I feel good bout it.. gr888888

But then there are some children who tell there parents things like,”give me this or I will commit suicide”… “if you don’t let me marry this person, I will die”..

That’s the kind of child I feel I became…

I kind of EBed God into giving me wat I wanted.

Now, again.. based on another of my beliefs….. nothing happens that wasn’t meant to happen… so, definitely this was meant to happen…….but still… I wud have felt ok, if God punished me. I mean, at least, didn’t just reverse the things so smoothly…
But well. He did… making all my quarrel reduce to ash……

And well, another of my beliefs (I am a Sagittarian--- I’m a believer…:)) says me to find the meaning of this little incident …. Coz Allah Paak teaches us every moment in our lives… as long as we care to learn,,,,….
I think, God wanted to show me that the best happiness is the one that is ‘got’ or in a more religious way, ‘earned’. And I don’t mean hardwork….i mean by sincere prayes, by a total submission to God’s will and knowing that wats happening is happening for the best….
The best happiness cannot be ‘snatched’ .. it cannot be ‘demanded’…..

Happiness is served to you ultimately….but, to feel the bliss of it… you shud have gone thru the phases of waiting, of praying for it, and most importantly….. of having faith……

I waited for my happiness, I prayed for it……. but wen I didn’t get it I lost faith.
And then a silly thing made me feel that God dsnt give me anything……..

And see.. today…… I got wat I wanted……but the violins aren’t playing and there are no fireworks… the peacocks aren’t dancing and there’s no rainbow painting the sky……

All coz I know…. I lost faith…. I lost iman….
I hurt God…
Now many may feel that their actions dont hurt God.. but know wat?? I’m His favourite….so, maybe wen u r a bad gal, He dsnt care,,,,, but, wen Im a bad gal… He really gets hurt…

Its like I ask my mummy for a camera… she tells me ‘na’… I then go mad at her for not giving me anything… forgetting that she’s the one who gave me birth, fed me, washed me, taught me to walk, prayed for me, cried for me….
The next day she gives me the camera………..

I feel like…………… ungrateful gal………..
Being shown yet another gesture of grace………

Am sorry Allah Paak.
Im not really able to speak to you.
Thanks for ‘I’s thing’… thanks for the dress, thanks for making me feel bad rite now… at least, you made me realize….

Like I always say God…. Wen I’m wrong… teach me… how was I wrong….help me never do it again…forgive me…. Hold me…
Don’t ever desert me………

Thank you so much for today…. 23rd july has been made memorable in yet another way….:) :)
I don’t want to lose wat I got today… nurture it for me Khudaya…….
I want it…. and I’m ready to wait….
And if you ever see me fidgeting in the waiting room, uneasy and restless… come and give me company.. sit beside me… chat wid me… and make my ‘wait’ an easy one….
Am sorry and Thank you.
And ya thanks for Rohit’s scrap too……..:)
Don’t ever change me God..
I totally love myself :D
Alrite… change me for the better….but then you know any better wud start getting boring…:p
But that wud be a stupid prayer..:/
So, alrite.. change me for the better….:)
And welll….
I think ive lost the right to say ‘I love you’… :(
Forgive me God, and show me a sign. Make me ‘feel’ forgiven.

And thanks….. give me many many many more reasons to thank you, many many many more opportunities to thank you… :D

Make my coming days even more beautiful than the day gone….
Gotta seminar tomorrow….. help me do well.

P.S- Orkut's Today's fortune: If you want to be loved, be lovable

P.S2- Someone just called me 'a very religious gal' :D :D if only this person reads my blog, he'll know.. am so amzingly pathetic :)

Allah hafiz


Queen said...

glad your feeling a lot better! your birthday in december?

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

coz im a Sagi????
:) :)
aapi.. am a late november sagi....
28 November :)

jg said...

wish u all the best for election may the best person win if any ksu person reads your blog he might fire you

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

lolz... well ya may the best person win... :)
co-incidently SFI candidates ARE the best...

KSU is chumma trying to squeeze in...

lolz....c'mon... how many people will KSUkarans fire??? Majority is with SFI... and everyone knows it....



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