Monday, 14 September 2009

Love My Story.... My Love Story....

Assalam



So, well I had a boyfriend. His name’s Azhar… we call him Azhu.. and I have called him by many other names as any galfrnd wud…
This blog, from the very beginning has seen many posts that are filled with my love for Azhar… that speak of how he was moving away from me in his final year of engineering (he’s one year my senior) and how I keep hopin that we wud get bak together…
But, very recently, this blog saw a change… this blog saw my tremendous attraction to a boy whom I choose to call ‘Mr. I’ on the web, as I don’t want his identity revealed to people who don’t already know who I’m talking bout. Mr. I has another name, ‘cham cham’. This name was given by.. guess who? … ironically, by Azhar…I had told Azhar that some of my frnds tease me wid him … at that time, I didn’t even know his real name.. later thru some way that I choose not to tell while im still in Alleppey, I found this boy’s name…. and like many other Malayali names, this too was in a way.. well.. we can say ‘different’. No that it was an idiotic, meaningless name that we see many Mallus have but here the only problem was the spelling.. making it very difficult to say aloud (coz we r used to say the same name wid the correct spelling!) and twas then that Azhar had given him the name ‘Cham Cham’….
And as was the trend among my friends and me, back I our school days, I gave him another ‘Proper Name’- Haasil….
So well. I had a crush on Chammu……. While I was still in a relation wid Azhar.
Very obviously Azhar hated me for it. And very obviously wen he read my blog posts on Chammu, he hated me all the more. And very obviously, anyone who hears this part of the story will hate me coz u see… Azhar and I wud have been together for 8 years this 23rd… in the past 8 years people have loved us.. hated us.. cast evil eye upon us… felt jealous of us… praised us.. idealized us …. And wished us the bestest best … for being the amazing couple we were!
I have no track of the number of people who have told me ‘I really respect you for that’.. wen talking bout my relation wid Azhar….
Seeing it crash down this way and hearing from others (not that Azhar is bitchin bout me.. but ppl always come to knw things…) that Almas fell for someone else, will definitely make me the most hated among everyone….
If that be the case, plzzzzz.. go ahead!
Hate me!
I wudn stop u from hating me…
But then again.. I fear I might start hating myself…
My mummy and the people who have read this blog must be knowing that im sort of quite tough on myself wen it comes to a few ‘principles’. Nai, nai… not like I’m a Gandhi or anything…. Bas there are a few beliefs close to my heart and I can kill myself if I do anything angst those beliefs…
So, well… I fear that hearing the same thing again and again.. that I left Azhar for someone else might make me hate myself for doing such a mean thing…
And trust me the worst thing that can happen to a person is ‘Hatred for Self’.
Maybe this…
Or maybe just a denial of the Truth … that I ACTUALLY did a mean thing…
Whatever… this time… I don’t want to be hard on myself…
I don’t want to be the same ‘jo-sahi-ha-who-sahi-hai’ wali gal…
Coz after all…. Here, in this case, it’s my heart that’s in question..
It my heart that is being abused, being hit and being ridiculed….
And for me… there’s nothing dearer than my heart, my soul, my self..
There’s God above and there’s Me below…
That’s the most important thing for me.

And sooooo
I think I will speak in my defense.
I will reason the things that I did…
I will stand up for myself…..
Here in this blog which hardly anyone reads….
If people hate me, let them… but wen they come across this blog, if at all they come across this blog, I wud like them to hear things from my side.. I wud like them to know a little more bout me… just a little more.
Azhar calls up Anand each time I do something wrong …. Just like I call up my mom.
The only difference is that my mom also knows every little good thing in Azhar….but Anand knows nothing good in me.
For him I’m the gal whom his friend loved like crazy … the gal who kept falling for people, the gal who is as fickle as fickle can be….and whose departure from Azhar’s life is a blessing to him in disguise.

Of course, Anand is never gonna see this blog… of course, no one wil ever…
Of course, all that I’m goin to write will left between my Lappy Screen and me… yet , I will have the satisfaction of at least having written bout the things that I believe are the ‘good’ things in me.

Now, wen I think of it.. it’s kind of strange and amusing that Me in My own blog, has never written these things… I have dedicated lengthy posts to wat a good person Azhar is and the many ways he has showed his love for me.
Strange that I never thot it necessary to write how I have shown MY love for him….
But prolly, such need arise only after breakups…nai??

In fact, now wen I think of it.. I feel ki.. prolly even those posts of mine shud be considered a part of My love for Him…
Coz I guess wen I wrote those posts I was, subconsciously, tryin to reinforce his qualities as against his shortcomings to make myself go on loving a person who was making so many mistakes………..
Maybe I was in a denial then…
Or…
Maybe I am in a denial now….
Maybe I’m giving explanations to oversimplify a complex situation in my life..
Even if that be the case… I don’t mind.. . I am a Sagg…I love myself to the extent of obsession. And newaz… at the end of the day, I’ve got to live wid myself, I cannot afford to hate myself.

So even if this is an attempt to overlook my own faults… I forgive myself for it…
Coz’ maybe ‘falling for someone else; is really really bad… maybe its unpardonable…
Yet
All that I have done…….. is genuinely praiseworthy….
All that I did for Azhar does deserve a pat on the back…
I have done a lot..
They might appear to be very little things..
But then, it’s the seconds that make up a lifetime…
May be I shudn be forgiven for falling for Chammu… but then …. Azhar too hasn’t done much to deserve forgiveness…
And I genuinely believe that Chammu was an outcome of all that Azhar did to me…at least from the way I lukd at it.

Maybe that I’m only trying to look over my grave sin of ‘Chammu’ by recounting the things that I did for this relation to go on… maybe
But there is no denying that I DID keep this relation goin on… that I DID prove myself from time to time… that I DID give it my best and that I DID get very little in return. Maybe I was a loser in not being able to go on suffering and bearing the burden of an almost ‘one-sided’ relation… maybe…
Maybe that’s wat ppl expect a lover to do.. go on bearing pain in the name of love…
Maybe that’s the ‘ideal’ thing to do wen u r into a ‘Love’ relation…
Maybe
Well. I failed…
And maybe all that I wil write is just an attempt to show that I have not done anything wrong by falling chammu….wen actually it mite be very very wrong…
But in any case…..
I forgive myself…
And for those who still wudn forgive me…. Did I ever mention that I am Asking for ur forgiveness??????? I told am defending myself.. that’s all.. I aint askin for ur judgement.
I give a fuck to people who differ…
That’s me.. kya kare?
These posts will be henceforth under the title “Dearest Azhar, when I look back….”
inshaAllah……..



Mere mehboob qayamat hogi..
Aaj ruswaa teri galiyon mein muhabbat hogi...
Meri nazrein toh gila karti hain..
Tere dil ko bhi sanam tujhse shikayat hogi..
Mere mehboob..



welllll…
Allah hafiz



5 comments:

Shy said...

i don't think u failed ....he made the relation a failure, a mockery.
When u love some one so dearly, when u r sooo possessive bout someone that u can't see the girl talkin to any other male,then u can't let them go so easily, but he did....i don't think he made a real effort to stop u,he just let u go...so easily .
ur post is incomplete...
did u write bout the insecurities u had when he was there with another girl.r u afraid of writing all these in your blog..quote the names and put it down.what is the nonsense bout falling for Mr I. Was his love for u so superficial that he thought this crush outweighed the 7 or 8 year relationship whcih u both had.i must say if i have the chance to meet him or destiny brought me & him together any day anytime he will have to answer me a lot of questions .

Shy said...

u have kept on writin that u have fallen for Mr I and this was the reason ..stop bulshitting ...whom r u trying to fool ....we, dear we are smart....and if u r trying to fool urself then believe me ...u r smarter.
u know what is love???
when a girl stands against her close knitted family of 3, against relationship of 18 yrs, against their views for ...this guy\
when she makes her family to believe that he is the one for her infact the only one and it takes 2 years for this belief to happen\
when in these 2 years she remains undeterred that whatever my family says i will support him , i will never let him go
when she makes real bloddy effort to make the relationship work each & every time............
Now i don't need to explain u what is not love and the difference between a crush & love....
Stop this ...stop hiding against some fake relationships. We all know it has hurt u...even we r hurt because we love u.

Shy said...

This one for azhar(if u happen to read this)

listen up boy...i don't know whether u have loved my sis or not but yes this will be the 1st question which i will ask u if i meet u.
u will never meet someone who has loved u so dearly so truly
whether u were jus trying to get away from this relation for some lame excuses.
whether u have eyes and brains ...whether u have read posts which were written for u
if u speak something which is not true to any bloddy anand then remember 'Allah ' is there and u know whatever we do comes back in this lifetime ....
i sincerely pray that u don't forget my sis..u remember her each and every time in u'r life , at each and evry instance...

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

blub u aapuuuuuuu

yes inshaAllah will write bout her too..
though i really think abhi ki is it really worth it to write it all down.. i mean why do i want to write it?
kiske liye?
kyu?
khair
pata nahi
but blub u...
and its gud na ki kal eid nahi hai :)

kosovagirl said...

:'(

Translate

Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.

Sociable

..

..
Educate The Muslimah !!!!

..

..
Pay Your Zakaat To The Deserving!!!

Shorten Url

..

..
Speak Out !!!

About Me

My photo
Port Blair, Andamans, India
I am exactly as you think I am!

Don't You Copy Wat I Write !!!

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

License..

Creative Commons License
This work is licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.