I’m not sure if I still want to write things on Jalpari… I mean, there’s such a lot happenin in my life… actually such a lot is NOT hapenin in my life that it is kind of weighing me down.
I still remember, wen I first got vitiligo….i was in tenth std… I went thru a very bad phase. I used to curse ppl.. really CURSE them if they joked bout it… I hated ppl staring at me.. I had stopped goin out altogether….
But later things became alrite….
Now I hardly remember that I have a white patch on my nose… it takes time to understand why someone is staring at me in a peculiar way (not to mention that almost all Malayalees stare.. they stare weder you have vitiligo weder you don’t, weder u r beautiful, weder ugly or even if u r plain normal, they stare if u r talking loudly, if u r talking softly, if u r not talking at all…. They stare if u r jumping, if u r dancing, if u r walking, if u r standing still, they stare if u r a child, if u r a gal, if u r a woman, if ur an old lady and even if u r a bulky man.. Malayalees STARE…..)
Then I also remember the day wen I first started to wear the hijab … twas my bday last year.. and I was in one of my most diffident states ever… and at that point I was surrounded by people who were makin fun of me…. I have already written bout it in a previous post.. but khair.. it was hurting you know….. they were talking and behaving in the worst of ways…
So I chose to stay away….i went to ‘other’ friends of mine who were absolutely alrite wid the the hijab…. They made me feel like there’s nothing different bout me that day….
Wat I mean to say is ki it’s a different thing to ‘face the world’ and all that…I know I have to.
But wen im at my weakest, I don’t want ppl pushing me down, coz I know at that time I mite sink…
And I don’t want THAT to happen to me…..
Wen I’m feeling weak, I wish to take time out wid myself, strengthen myself, feel confident bout things……… after that I’m ready to face the world again……..
If I had continued to be wid dose frnds who were makin fun of me… I wud have really gone into a depression the very first day of wearing the hijab, I wud have spoilt my bday, I wud have spoilt a whole day of the intermeds (my bday was during the Alpy intermeds) plus, I wud have created a fear in my heart, of being mocked at by others…
Thank God for takin me away from that group… thank God for taking me to ppl who supported me…. I needed it! I got it! and now I am so fine!
The other day Amuda reminded me of how scared I was before starting to wear the hijab… I was so … well.. I cant say exactly wat was the feeling… but mmm.. let’s call it ‘scared’.. I was so scared of everything and especially my family (excluding abbu) who, at that time, were totally against my wearing the hijab……
Well… it’s almost a year now…….. I have sooooooo many hijabs.. and I have a family which is very accepting, in fact, proud of me. I’m happy :)
Well, so wat I want to say is that I don’t want to get hit wen I’m at my weakest……. I don’t want to be wid ‘etc’ ppl wen I’m traveling thru a trough in my life (and a lonnnggg one)… I want to be on my own…… not wid anyone else…coz u see… I’m the biggest source of hope around.. :) :) :) there’s nothing that can buoy u up better than I can….:) :) :) That’s wat Allah made me for…..:) :) that’s wat Allah made US for- Mummy, Aapa and me :) :)
So if I cant pul myself up, who else can????
Isliye, I shud be wid myself, helping myself. And wen im fine again, I wil come back to meet the fuckers…..and if they try to tramp me down…. I’ll chop their bloody legs off…..
and so.. I wil pull off my life from everyone…. I wont write bout the ‘weaker’ me in Jalpari. I shall write it in another blog… maybe wen this phase is gone, I post it down here.. but not rite now…no.
esp coz I hardly have time…. And wenever I do feel like writing down something, it’s usually something that I don’t want anyone to read……. I don’t want to appear begging for sympathy. I don’t want to appear anything actually. I want to disappear…. Vanish!!!! Ek chutki aur … ZWISHHHHH!!!! Gayab!!!
I thot of closing down Jalpari… or maybe pulling it off from the public… but that wud be destroying in one blow, the kingdom I have built with so much love. If I have to lose, I will lose after I have fought. Anything built wid love is worth the effort. Esp if that which u have built is non-living. Coz it cant hurt you.
I basically don’t know wat im speaking, I mean.. wat im typing… im being so incoherent…. But wen u want to pour urself out, u shud.
I wud have never ditched Jalpari if someone gave me the guarantee that Azhar wud never read this blog.. never….
Wen I wanted him to read…… he was busy wid his life.
Now, I don’t want him to be anywhere near this blog………. But I can never be sure …….. he mite pop in one day and read … wat? The same things that I used to write earlier…….. but ohhhhh!!!!! hasn’t the world changed between then and now!!!!!!!
I don’t want him to know where is it that I am weak……. And how much and why…. Of course, certain things are very obvious, I wil miss him , I wil think of him and all that… but……. Wat I further want of my life………. My wishes that have been affected by his presence, his absence, and his absent presence… I don’t want him to know that.
Vulnerability is so beautiful :) :) coz there’s nothing as strong as being vulnerable…. I mean the intensity in it. wen u r strong, u feel strong. Alrite.
But wen u r vulnerable, u feel the weight of the whole universe on ur shoulders……and the enormousness of that feeling is stronger than ‘strong’ can be.
Its like standing at the edge of a cliff, seeing a river turn into a waterfall, knowing that another step can take u down with the water.. only, there’s beauty in the water falling down, there wudnt be beauty in you as u fall.
Its like a glass of water so full to the brim that another drop on it and it wud spill over…
Its like a balloon that grows in size as u blow air into it upto wen it’s so stretched that another puff and BOOMMMM!!! it bursts!
But, u see.. I wont burst…I wont spill over… and I wont fall off the cliff..
I wil remain standing at the edge as long as I feel the need to, I shall stand there and absorb the intensity of it… I shall stand there and admire the beauty of God’s creation, I shall wait there and let my legs rest a while…. Before I turn and trace back to where the river begun…… the snow abode on a mountain peak……
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