Thursday, 3 December 2009

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
I have been talking bout you, you heard it all.. didn’t you? Of course you did! Sometimes I wonder how you manage the rest of this world… you are so busy with me. I cant stop feeling you. It feels as if you are with me every single moment. It feels as if your eyes are upon every little thing I am doing… then I wonder ..wat bout the rest??? ‘Silly girl’ you must be thinking! Well, khair!
You know Allah Paak, you’ve left me so … blank!!! I don’t really know wat am feeling.. or maybe my knowledge is too limited and my vocabulary too poor to find a name to this condition I am in.
I am feeling lost… not that I am feeling lost.. but since I cant exactly say wat am feeling, I choose to say ‘lost’.
And I don’t know why I am trying to understand you. I have understood it long ago, that I cant understand you, that you are beyond everything. Then I don’t know why am I trying so frantically to construct sense of what has happened. Aisa kuchh than a ki ‘the painting doesn’t question his painter’… or something like dat… then I don’t know why all that I want to ask you is “Why?”
Allah Paak, wats happened is so inconsequential that I am somewat ashamed of building it up so much… blowing it so hell out of proportion…
On second thots, God… was it really so inconsequential???
I don’t know why but I really need to know what your purpose was behind this little episode that has left me struggling to be happy.
I don’t know why you took away that source of happiness from within me.
My fortune cookie today was ‘you’ll find the sunshine within you..’…
leaves me thinking….. thinking hard…
didn’t I always find the sunshine within me God????
Wasn’t I happy?
Why then am I not happy now?
It all comes from you na Allah Paak. Then why didn’t u give me happiness wen the source of my happiness was sitting rite under my nose….??? Why did u take away that feeling from within me?
Wat happened- was it really so big as to kill an emotion from within me.?
God, you know so well that I didn’t want it to be transitory…
Allah Paak.. I used to find happiness in tiny drops …. Then why am I not happy with a waterfall???
The worst is that even the hope seems to have died…
I know, like mummy also told, ki dil tootta hai judne ke liye….aap mera dil jod denge…. Its not THAT hope wich has died.. but it’s a hope to ever be happy wid this… Allah Paak .. yeh kya kar diya…??? How can I not be happy???
Did I really get so attached that a mere tug cud break me??
And if a mere tug cud break me, was I really attached???
I am not able to be happy…
I feel like one of those moments.. Where we put a smiley face and move around wid a broken heart….
Sadly, my heart isn’t even broken…
Or maybe it is but am not realizing it.
Or maybe it is broken and I am realizing it but just don’t wana commit ..
But I committed only moments ago…
I am confused!!!

Nor am I able to cry… 2 drops of tears… its not sufficient…. I want to wash away the dirt Allah Paak.. why am I not crying?
Prolly it’s not that big a thing to make me cry..
Prolly I aint even sad…
But one thing is for sure Maalik, I need to know why??
Aapka maslihat aap hi jante samajhte hai!!!
Since we r humans, since our vision and knowledge are so constrained .. we know not a thing!
Aap sab jante hai… so you do things that r best…
Am not denying that, you know it!
Mere ko yeh samajh nahi aata, ki in spite of knowing this basic thing… why is my mind so bothered to kow ki Allah Paak aisa kyu kare….

Yes it has hurt me that I lost….
Its ok to lose…
It has hurt me that I had hoped and didn’t get..
Its ok to hope and not get….

But wats troubling me most is that in spite of knowing so well, and I dare say, better than most others around me, that “IT IS ABSOLUTELY OK”… I am trying to find a reason why this happened….
No, not why it happened.. but why did it affect me so much that I have ceased finding happiness in it.
It shudn be this way na Allah Paak.
Or shud it be?
Im seriously fed up of giving explanations for others..
Someone mite come and kill me and go and my soul mite sit and give explanations from the killer’s side..
Am seriously fed up of this
I wish I blame people
Life seems much more easy that way.
But no Allah’s such a cheap thing to do..
But then… wat has it brought me??
Wen we bottle up our feelings, trying to be “RIGHT”. It blows up in one instant and leaves you deserted.
It has happened to me.

I want to blame. Blame for feeling this way, whatever it is that I am feeling.
But I know that all things happen at your command. So I stop short of blaming.
Then I choose to blame you.
But then am reminded that you never do something that is bad for us….
Of course there are people whom u screw badly…
But I know Alhamdulillah that I am not one of them.
So I stop short of blaming you either…
And so, and so, and so… I find myself repeating all that happened again and again.. to try to find out why did Allah do wat He did.. of course there is some good in it for me…. wat is it????

This question is killing me..

I know I will get the answer…
You have answered me always…
And thinking of it, I think the best answer is that you did it coz u wanted to.. you are the Creator, the Protector, the Destructor….you always do wat u want..
But I need a more…mmm…. Human answer, if there’s sumthin like dat.

Wen u tuk that away, I knew… in sometime .. why..

But, the point is that Allah Paak…. Is baar toh I was happy widout having anything….
Then why did I cease being happy wen that wich I dint have continued to be ‘not mine’. To be true, you actually gave me reasons to be happy. Not that wat I wanted, but similar reasons..why then, Maalik, am I not happy…????
I hope I come out of this numbness…..
A numb life isn’t really cool!!!

I believe God…
In ur power and ur plans….
Its only that this little thing has confused me….
Coz I see no point in wat u did!!!
Mummy’s telin me ki dil tootna sikhane ke liye..
Aisa kya??? Ab ye toh fir bada baat ho gaya?? Jaise ki pehle kabhi dil nahi toota mera!!!!
Pura pura aasman gira hai mere sar par and I have been happy…
Aur yeh kya ?? badal garja aur mera khushi gaayab???

good nite…
close thine eyes and as thou sleepest, Heaven will change thy fortune from evil to good.

Love You.
Don’t Forsake Me.


Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.



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