Sunday, 13 December 2009

Intuition vs Desire vs Acceptance vs Me

Some people are so distant, yet so near. And some others could be right next to you and yet light years away.
Have you ever known what is the best, and then desired for something else, knowing all well that it is only the best that you should get?
Do you understand it when I say that I somehow believe this is what will happen?
They say this thing bout the tossing of the coin. . . That it helps you know exactly what it is that you desire. . . What if you toss the coin, and it goes up in the air. . . And floats down. . And strikes the ground with the clink that breaks your trance. . And you continue to stare at the coin with an empty head wondering what was it that you desired. . .
I remember once when I was a kid and my aapa was an adolescent (she is 8.5 years elder to me). . . We were sitting facing each other across our 'dining table' with a box full of sweets on the table. . . I asked aapa, 'Aapa, hum kaun sa mithai khana?' (which sweet should I eat) and in answer aapa pointed to the laddu. . . And I made a face and asked 'This one?'. . . Then she pointed at the Jalebi and I again responded in the same way. . . This went on and on until finally aapa pointed at the Sondes I wanted to eat. (I personally think that she knew that I wanted to eat it and so purposely had kept it for the last). . . And the moment Aapa pointed at it, I smiled, told OK. . . And ate it. :)
and then. . . We laughed :) :)

We say that we shall take what life will give us.
But, I wonder if we really do that.
Prolly, we accept things only coz somewhere, sometime, in someway. . . That is what we had desired.
On the other hand. .prolly, we accept it coz there is no way out.
But, prolly. . . Prolly prolly prolly. . . We accept it coz somewhere, sometime, somehow. . . Its our desire coming true.
I have always cursed MBBS. . . Have always whined that I was forced into it.
A few months back, I came across an old diary entry where am asking Allah to give me MBBS. . . it was such a small wish and so much under the influence of others that I had forgotten it totally. Nevertheless, it was a wish. . . However small it was. And it was fulfilled. And I guess that is why I accepted it. . . Prolly coz somewhere, somehow, sometime, . . . I had wanted it. . .
not that I have any control over what I get. . .
not that man has any control over what is happening. . . Or what can happen. . . And yet we look to the right and left before crossing the road. . . Yet, we try to find solutions for global warming. . . Yet we go on cutting trees.
Likewise be the case of the 'acceptance of life'.

prolly We accept things only when they are 'OK'. . . . . .
if they were not OK. . . Prolly we wouldn have accepted them. . .
like when we order for tea in a restaurant. . . Sometimes the tea tastes bad but we drink it newaz. . . But sometimes. . We dont. . We call for the waiter and return the tea. . .
prolly, thats what we are doin in life. . . Every second of it. . . Not realizing it.

We are letting things happen coz we dont see the point in avoiding them. . .
likewise, We are letting things not happen coz we dont see the point in striving for them.

but, then again. This makes us the Master of our lives. . . Which we definitely are not.
so, prolly. . . I am accepting life coz I couldn do but accept it.
I am moving coz I cant be still.
I am letting things happen and not happen, whatever, coz whats happening and not happening are not really dependent on my 'letting' them happen and not happen.

People with strong intuitions know certain things. How? They cant explain.
And yet, sometimes, they live their lives in a way that is totally against what they know or rather 'believe' will happen. .
Is it coz they are somehow opposed to the idea of what they believe will happen? Is it because they want something else which they, by virtue of their intuitions, know will not happen. . And so wish to live it for as long as it lasts?
or is it just coz. . . Well. . . Its happening. . . And no one has any control over what is happening. . ,
The last one is the correct option.
I know it.
And yet, here I am . . . Typing down all that I know is fallacy two days before an. . Sorry. . One and a half day before an exam for which am not at all prepared. . .

sometimes we know. . . But we just dont wish we knew.

sometimes, I feel it's so much easier to live a life with no intuitions. . . You are so less hurt. Or are you? Huh. . . Cant say.
but it is definitely strange when you dont have a proof for what you are saying. . . You are saying simply coz 'you know'.

it is all the more hurting when people call you prejudiced and go away. . . And you know that they are wrong Coz you know that 'you know'.

but all this 'knowing' can get you confused sometimes. . .
it happens when . . . Again. . There is something that you 'desire'.
you may desire X and you may desire Y. . . And you feel that you know that you shall get 'X'.

maybe. . . Yes, its another of your gut signals. . .
but, maybe. . . Just a maybe. . This is another of those 'you accept only what you desire' situations. You are feeling that you shall get X coz in your heart of hearts. . Or mind of minds, whichever organ is applicable. . . You know that X is better. So inspite of wishing for Y as much as, lesser than, or more than how much you wish for X. . .
your guts are signalling to you that you shall get X . . . Not as an intuition but as an expression of a desire.
you feel you shall get it coz actually you WANT it.

At such times I feel life is easier for those who haven yet discovered their intuitive powers. Coz then, they have only voice speaking to them. . And they know that it is their desire. It is what they want.

for those who have ever heard voices of what will happen. . . It gets confusing to know which voice is it. That of your intuition, which TELLS.
or that of your desire, which ASKS. .

Coming back to our coin, let us toss it again. . And this time there are voices. . And you hear 'heads'. How do you know if its what you 'know' will come? Or is it what you 'desire'?

while a tossing coin reveals itself in seconds, Many things in life dont.

and since man is so addicted to pain.. . .when the word of the voice is fulfilled, he calls it intuition, and when not, he calls it desire. . .
you see, he likes to believe that his desire wasnt fulfilled. . .
and yes it appears that I am talking bout a lot of independent things. . .
thats how I have been thinking all this while. . And they say that the best way to make sense of thoughts is to write as and what comes to your heart or mind, whichever organ you think is involved. . So thats what i did. . . And finaly, I know the link.

All this can be summed up in an example.
first bout the 'we accept only what we desire'.
I desire A. . . And I desire H. . And I desire Z. Z is an out-of-this-world character, the existence of which is quite. . . Well. . Not impossible. . But rare.
A is the one who is as humanly close to Z as possible.
and H? Well. . . All i know is that H exists. . . Coz I see people talkin to him, touch him, hear him. . And you know what i mean. . . So, i know that he is not a mirage. . He EXISTS.

now, if I get any of these men, I shall be happy. . Coz I have desired them, in some way or the other, at some time or the other. And so, when life gives me any one of them, he shall be accepted coz he was desired. On the contrary, imagine being given an old, bald, abusive man. . . I shall reject him. . . Coz you see. . . He wasnt desired.
I know this is an over simplification. . Coz, well. . Who actually 'desires' an abusive husband? But, then again remember that a lot of our desires are subconscious. And the subconscious is way more powerful than the conscious.
and after all. . We cant help but try to oversimplify the complexity that is called life. . .

now, coming to the 'is it intuition or is it a desire'. .
well, out of A, H, and Z. . . I strangely 'know' that I shall get married to A. . .
while I say that I 'know', I might only be mixing it up with a feeling inside my deepest heart that in reality I WANT A. . . Coz i have invested so much of my life on him, or coz he is really the best. . At least . . Closest to the best. Or whatever. . . Prolly, its again a 'desire' and not an 'intuition'. But, then. . There are voices that tell me that I shall get my Z or H. . And these, at present I am assuming to be 'desires' and not 'intuition'.

now, suppose I get married to A. . . I shall say 'oh. . . Dekha? My intuition was right' . . And i shall give a pat on the back to my 'assumed intuition'. And totally reject the fact that a desire has been fulfilled, coz thats how man is . . . Ever lamenting. . Then, prolly i shall cry over not getting married to H. . .

and what if I get married to H? Firstly, I wouldn mind, coz like I told 'we accept only what we desire'. And secondly, I shall quickly transfer the 'intuition' tag to those set of voices which used to tell me that I shall marry H. . And again I shall say 'Dekha. . My intuition was right. ,' and start lamenting over the Closest-to-the-best A that I missed. . Coz you see man is the ever-ungrateful. . .

i shall forget that once upon a time I had desired H and that is precisely why I have accepted him. I shall forget this 'desire'.
credit my intuition.
and lament over the unfulfilled desire of 'A'. . .
coz thats just how man is.


and this one took a long time to decipher. :)

P.S.- :o :O :o :O I  can't believe I wrote all that on my cel....phewww!!!

Allah hafiz.

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Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.



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