Friday, 25 December 2009

The Loner Me :)

I aint joking wen I say that I feel I have gone mad.i seriously think that I have gone crazy.
I have grown to dislike human company.
There are only certain places where I don’t mind being surrounded by people, there are very few people whom I like talking to and all this to only a certain extent.
I cant take humans beyond it.
This hostel is absolutely empty now. Totally… and you wont believe how much I enjoy it..
Yupps!!! I don’t like seeing the gals leave with their bags.. it somehow makes me want to go home.. but, otherwise, wen they HAVE ACTUALLY gone home.. wen this hostel has only one inmate besides the nuns, i.e., ME…. I feel like I’m in Heaven….
Rite now am sitting with my lappy in the verandah…… and from where I am sitting, I cant see a single light on in the entire hostel save the bulb flickering behind me.. and there’s a call.. wait!!
It was a ‘Reject’..
So ya.. the only light source here (besides the light from my screen) is that dull little bulb behind my head….
I have started enjoying all this.. the silence.. the lack of people.. the peace…
I don’t know whether this is yet another reconciliation with fate… or whether this is really what I have become.
This is my first Christmas in Alleppey.. and inshaAllah this will be my first New Year here…I don’t seem to feel anything ‘bad’ about it….
I remember those days in my first year when I needed friends and didn’t get..
I had come to this place not knowing anything bout the world….
People used to tell me that it’s important for us to go out (to mainland India) to know how the world runs.. they used to say that we live in a cocoon.. we don’t know anything..
And I used to mock them…
I know now.. I was wrong…
Wen I came here I thot that it wud be the most normal thing to make friends…
I didn’t know that not knowing Malayalam wud me such a set back to me..
I didn’t know that not being a malayali wud be the biggest sin of my life…
This is the very place where I used to sit and wait…….. and I wont say further… coz these are memories that are mine…. And mine .. and mine….
It took me a very long time to understand that you don’t get friends here…..
This is not my cocoon.
The Northies had told me that “Yaha pe tumse baat karne waale sirf hum honge… koi mud ke dekhta bhi nahi hai….”
Maybe I disagree with them on everything else.. lekin this is one thing I shall never disagree with…
Sachi…koi mudke dekhta bhi nahi hai…….
There was a time wen it hurt me …
There was a time wen I used to feel the loneliness..
Today am a ten on ten loner… certified…
I revel in my solitude…..
You see??? How I have used ‘solitude’ for the present times….
That’s the way I have changed… solitude is the positive side of loneliness…I find it solitude now.. :)
I avoid people…
Wen people tell me that they want to meet me wen I go home next…I don’t reply.. coz u see.. I no longer want to meet anyone….
I have got so used to myself that I don’t want any intrusion between me and me….
‘main aur meri tanhayee’ :) yo!! That’s the phrase for me.. hee hee hee…

Now, one thing that I want to clear is that whether first year, whether now.. I have never been bored alone… Alhamdulillah :) I have 3000 hobbies…I have made curtains… decorated my room.. then got angry and torn everything down.. :P then re-decorated… I have made book marks…. Read and read and read… wrote and wrote and wrote…. made paintings…. And wat not…. I have never been bored… but ya!!! Earlier I used to FEEL the loneliness.. now, it’s the most natural thing….
The only thing that has suffered is my studies….
I have completely stopped studying…..

But, wel.. we can drop that for now..

So, here I am … the loner… enjoying my company to the fullest..
This reminds me of a blog I had read long ago.. twas by a girl… around my age..
She had written that her father hated being told ‘I am bored’. Coz wen a person says that he is bored, he is implying that he himself is a boring person…..and that is precisely why he is getting bored in his own company..
Lolz… :p nice thot I must say…

And so I really don’t like being asked, “don’t you get bored sitting in Punnapra alone??” I totally hate this question…

I remember, wen the gals from my batch had left .. after a week or so, one of them had asked me, “Almas, howz life in Punnapra?”
I had replied, “ya.. fine!!!”
And she had promptly told, “Ahhhh!!! Don’t lie”…
And I was like, #%^@....WTF???

That’s the way it is….lolz…
People know u r lonely…
So they expect you to be sad..
They themselves don’t want to lessen ur burden in any way…
No one.. and I mean NO ONE.. calls you up… or sends you a message (in spite of the “Students Suvidha Sim”)
But they all, wen they are bout to go home for hols… or have just returned from hols…, ask you, “what were you doing? Don’t you get bored?”
And they have an answer framed in their minds already…

“Oh yes my dear *fucker*(plz insert name).. I have been alone these days…. (And since I am a loser wid no hobbies.. and since I am just like you)…I have been bored to death…. I didn’t have anything to do… I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling.. waiting for the days to pass, so that I mite meet you and other *fuckers* who’d ask me if I was bored!!! Seriously, you know me so well!!! You can understand my feelings so well, that I wonder if you were my twin in the past life….”

So, wen you say that ya.. life’s going fine…
They wave you off !!!

Like people who always have their golden words of advice.."almas don’t go here alone.. don’t go there alone….”
For the hel of it!!! if u r so effing bothered.. y don’t u come along wid me??
And if u cant … then pray keep that big hole under ur nostrils shut…..

Newaz.. this wasn’t wat I was tlakin bout…I don’t know how I got here..
So, wat I was teling is that..
I ENJOY this time… this time wen the hostel is empty….
There are no idiots to dirty the washbasins… no one to sing in the bathrooms… no one to anything…
I love it this way…

This has shown me wat I really am….
This has shown me that ‘Faith’ is wat keeps me ticking…. This has shown me that ‘losing’ happens and happens for good……
This has shown me that I hate comments under my posts unless its from aapa or someone very close…..
This has shown me that I don’t just like writing….. I live by it….
This has shown me that wen I write… i have a way of doing it…
This has shown me whom I love.. and who love me……..
This has shown me that I really do love myself..
This has shown me that I really enjoy wat I do…
This has shown me that I really am the best, however much you flinch reading this…..

I love it….
I love this silence…..
I don’t like crowds…. I so love it this way….
And we never know wat’s it that God’s preparing us for…..

and maybe I am a bitch for saying this… but I love hearing people crack down under pressure.. I love people crying over “how shud I go there alone?”
“wil anyone come wid me to eat?”…… blah blah blah blah blah blah…
But there’s one which is my favourite…. All time favourite….
:) :) :) :)
One of my friends was looking pretty down…I asked her what the matter was and she told me, “ today morning there was no one to accompany me in the college bus…. They had gone in the previous bus… i had to come alone… I was feeling so lonely…..”

Each time I think of it, I grin from ear to ear….. :D :D :D
Yeah!!! I am a bad gal..
But, then… who isn’t???
And if u’ve answered ‘Boys’
Consider urself *cyberkicked* :D :D :D

And there’s a message..
And Anuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu’s gottttttttttttttttttttt plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddddddddd :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
C kdv cj s ,mv deaklbkbckadbvfsbgleb,
:D :D :D :D :D

Love you babes!! Congrats :D
And she wants to give a surprise to S.. I just hope she’s not reading this… :P :P :P
I wont erase it though….
Chalo bye..
Gotto call her up

P.S- pic - Punnapra Beach.... me behind the lens :)

Allah hafiz

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