Thursday, 30 April 2009

Stye in Eye :(

Assalam
its like a million years since i am postin from my mobile. . . Newaz. . . So here i am sittin in the labour room, tired and with a hurtin eye. . . Me's got a stye in my left eyelid :( :( its called a hordeolum internum :( :( :( and its troublin me sooo much . . . I just dont feel like working . . . I assisted a case today, but why am i writin bout it here. . . If 'Confrontation' was a person he would have killed me. . . I have been tryin to blog daily but i fall asleep. . . Its really tiring. . . Newaz. I rather go to confrontation. tatas.
I hope we get tea. And pazhampuzhi . . However you spell it. . . Huh! Banana fry :( i dont like it. But khair . .
Allah hafiz


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

O My My!!!!.... Tell Me Why............

Assalam

I wonder why girls have to be the one at the receiving end of so many things.. and I wonder why girls are still the worse ones, and I wonder why is it true that they are worse than others in so many things.
Assume a couple who isn’t married, whose marriage hasn’t been officially fixed.. as in.. their parents haven’t spoken to each other…
In that case wud it be ok for the boy’s mom to complain that the girl doesn’t love her??
Why is it that the girl has to nibhao all the rasms… ?
Even before the marriage the girl can be asked to think of a career that’s at terms with her wud be husband’s. she’d be told how she shud choose to work in a city where the boy is most prolly goin to settle… y shud a gal fulfil the responsibilities of a wife wen she’s not one???? And why, if she’s being a wife’s responsibilities, is she not be given a wife’s rights? Now, if the boy decides to work in the States or somewhere else to earn loads of money, will his parents then think ki ‘oh, we need to ask wat the gal thinks, after all shes goin to be his wife’….. if u cant give her the right of a wife b4 marriage.. you cant point out her duties to her.
Why is it that men are so better off in so many ways.
Today after working for 13 hours, I ran back to my hostel coz I am a girl and I live in a hostel and my hostel has an ‘in-time’ …and THIS made me lose attendance.. after those 13 hrs.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… :x
But the boys… they can enter their hostel at any time they want…. They don’t need to worry bout the time of the last bus, coz they can jump into anyone’s car ..askin a lift…
Why???????
I have a lot of talking to do with God!
So, wen we meet God inshaAllah, I shall ask Him why He did all that He did…..
My mom reads me the Noor Naama regularly (wen I was at home, i.e.)
[and Ya!!! I’ll ask God why he never taught me to read Urdu well….and if He didn’t want to teach me Urdu.. why did He make it my mother tongue (apparently).. and why didn’t he teach me Bengali and Malayalam:( and why did my grandparents and great grandparents lose Pashto on the way to Hindi…it’s sick actually that they cudn learn a new language, Hindi in this case, without killing their own Pashto…]

-----------------------------------------------------

Well, the part above the line was written yesterday after I returned from the labour room and I dozed off midway…(yes, without turning off the lappy)…

So… my mom reads me the Noor Naama
And it tells the story of the Noor Mohammedi S.A.W…. how was it created and why was it created and wat happened next….
It begins with telling how God wanted to have someone to share His beauty with and so He created the Noor Mohammedi from His own Noor. And then the world was created from the Noor Mohammedi…

While the Noor Naama discusses how Noor Mohammedi goes to the four elements, Fire, Water, Air and Earth and how they accept Islam and how Noor Mohammedi chooses Earth (soil) over the others… another book ‘Kasasul Ambiya’, (Stories of the Prophets) discusses the creation of the other things from Noor Mohammedi…Noor Mohammedi was made into a pearl, then it was liquefied and divided into a certain number of parts..and from each part something was made.. the Great Pen, The Book, The Four Ashaabis… etc etc etc it’s quite a long story of Creation actually. There is an Urdu book at home which only mummy can understand (Once upon a time in the magical land called India……Mummy had learnt Persian….. so her Urdu is better than abbu’s), but later at that tiny little shop in Shadipur near Rajesh’s Medical Shop, I found a Hindi version…. I have it with me here in Kerala, I will inshaAllah write it in parts in MyIslam-my 3rd blog. … well…. If you read this blog from the first post, you’d find like around 500 million things that I have told I wud write in the future. So, now the Procrastinating Parenthesis-Loving Me has such a lot of things to write (not including the looonng list of topics I’ve written at the last page of almost every note book) that if I start writin now… I’ll go on and on and on and on until Jesus A.S. wud be bak on Earth and tap on my shoulders and say, “Beta, ab rehne do.. bohot likh liya!” and ya .. while you’ll be reading this blog to luk for all the things Almas so wishes to write about , you’d also notice how Almas always compares something in the future to the return of Jesus A.S…. wud seem to you that no one awaits Jesus as much as Almas…. And you’d also notice how Almas keeps switching between First person and Third person for herself….:S
Newaz…. So wat was I saying?
Ya this book Noor Naama… twas originally in Persian I think and later translated into Urdu… don know.. newaz…
To… this Noor Naama says ki God wanted to share his beauty with SOMEONE and soooo He Created the Noor Mohammedi and from it were created allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll these things….. so that WISH of God to share His Beauty with someone is responsible for EVERYTHING including this horrible 15 day internment where we have the GREAT RESPONSIBILITY of staring at wailing ladies’ vaginas… :/ newaz…

Now if you are wondering why I ever mentioned the Creation Story and those two books…………………………….well…………. let’s wonder together!!!! I was very sleepy yesterday and today too, I slept off the moment I lay down on the floor (yes :D I prefer the floor.. for everything… sitting, sleeping, eating, reading… everything…(I use my bed as a place to dump things…. I use my table too as a place to dump things… so wen I have to write a record or anything else… I find no place free from ‘dumped things’ and thus Almas writes her records too.. on the floor :D))….and awoke at 1 am, had my bath, stuffed some food into my mouth and then sat writing this…. It’s 2.30 am now..So I really don’t remember wat made me start this topic…. I only remember being angry at how gals have more restrictions and rules and duties than boys… I guess, I just wanted to say that ‘Why God???? Why all this crap to us????? Why ‘we’ are the ones to blame for the Fruit-Eating-Event of Eve? Why ‘we’ should enter the hostel at a certain time but boys can enter at any time in the whole night?’
I think this last question was killing me the most yesterday!!!!
So u can say dat I wrote bout the Story of Creation coz’ my hostel has an in-time …. And the ‘in-time’ made me lose attendance…

Well… I was so pissed off that I shouted at mummy…… I always shout at mummy wen im frustrated… and after I calmed down I was pissed off with myself…. I apologized.. and ive decided that inshaAllah I wudn talk bout problems to mummy wen im angry… I tend to let off my steam at my mummy who is, just in case you didn’t know, the best mummy in the world married to the best abbu in the world…:) Alahmdulillah!

Today was Alhamdulillah lighter than yesterday.. most of the cases ended in CS… I even got my lost attendances of yesterday.. Alhamdulillah! :)

I really hope all the deliveries in and around Alleppey get postponed by two weeks and all the deliveries that do take place , happen in the other shift :D …. i.e. not in the day shift if I have day… and not in the night shift if I have night.. :D Almas is bad!! :D :D
And I wont write anything more here coz then I’d be left with nothing to write in Confrontation…

And well…. My most regular and most darling reader has finally commented on my blog… and im flying… :) :) :) :) ….. Alhamdulillah!!!!!


Thank you aapu,……………:) :) :) :)
Tanki loves you………:) :) *kisses* .. that can penetrate your anti-Kiss-shield.. :D

Finally, what’s this
“O My My”
….it is a nursery rhyme that goes..
“O my my
Tell me why
Birdies fly
In the sky
One two three
Three four five”

And there’s also this song by AQUA, where the words have been changed a bit
It’s something like this
“My O my, do you wanna say goodbye? To have that kingdom baby, tell me why….”
And I don’t know any more of that song..
Ya just one more line..
“If you were my king…. I would be ur queen”
And this one
“Prince O prince are you really sincere…”
Now, if you had an idea of how well I understand foreign accents… you’d gift me the Qutab minar for being able to understand these three lines..
Newaz….
Need to write for Confrontation then get some sleep before I get busy staring at vaginal holes……….
:/ :/ :/ :/
P.S-…..welllll, I wrote “P.S.” to write something.. but now I feel I can make a separate post out of it [the Procrastinating Me ;)] as otherwise it wud be the longest “P.S.” in the world,,, :) newaz..
P.S 2- i remember 2 other things i wanted to write yesterday.. will write inshaAllah some other time.. its 4.23 am was posting coments in other blogs.. cudn write for confrontation.. gonna sleep.

Allah hafiz



Aapa Commented On My Blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Assalam
my darling dear lovely sweet Aapa.... commented on my blog after around a year since she discovered my blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kiran is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy :D



thank you thank you thank you aapuli... :D
love you sooooooooooo much


*kisses*kisses*kisses* from "nuts...nuts..nuts"
Allah hafiz

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Cats..Lizards..And Internment!!!!

Assalam
Im so ….. God knows….
Got internment from tomorrow. So it’s goin to be tight. Ummmm… I think I rather switch over to ‘Confrontation’ for a while… newaz… there wont b anything to write here.
I saw a pic….


Urmila’s dressed in a beeeeautiful anaarkali…. I want it… :(
Maybe I cud get one stitched.. a black saree with some nice work at the border….
But that can be done at home…. I want to go home…….. :( …….. im imprisoned here for a while now!!! I want mummy abbu to come to kerala…. Cant be :( ………
I need to lose weight…. Ive gained weight TREMENDOUSLY…. i mite just burst in a few days…
And if I want to wear that anaarkali, I seriously need to lose weight….
Gotto pack my bag for tomorrow.
I don even remember what are the things that need to be packed.
I sooooo hate internment.
Yes, there’s enuf and more to write in confrontation. The poor blog misses me so much.
Huh! maybe he curses me……
I really cant stop givin genders………
Met a new doctor……. knows hindi….. brought up in ranchi……… malayali…… has two kids. Doesn’t luk like she has 2 kids - a six yr old gal and a 3 yr old son….
Here doin her DNB…… minnu introduced us.
Should I be moving to that hostel???????/ *thinking deep*
I hate interference………..
Ptchhh pattta naheeeee yaaarrrr!!!!
Ive read ONE chapter of Brida.
I hope to finish it someday inshaAllah
Ive come across this blog by a bunch of gals, one is a doc… their English is sooo different. They are all Americans I think.. but, stillllllll… it’s tooo different. There are many American bloggers am reading filhaal… in fact, there’s only one Indian blogger I am reading currently… Revathy, vibhore, gulshan, the boys haven’t written in a long time….newaz….. it takes a long time to understand wat they mean… the posts are fun… or maybe, the posts are very serious and thought-provoking but my inability to understand their language is making them ‘fun posts’ for me……….
Ab pata nahi…
Newaz I hate internment.
Ummmm ive to start my links blog.
I love my Links baby.
She’s my only little catty here.
Im missing my cats so bad…. Badly… plz follow Indian English. :/
Uhhhh!!!!!
All the cats here are jungli billis…
If I don hug a cat soon.. I mite just hug that ugly, big, brown, khunkhaar dog…. Kameena kutta kahi ka!!!
I cudn believe myself wen I called him ‘baby’ a few days bak… ive been lukin at him with eyes overflowing with love… cat deprivation is really taking its toll…..
This dog had pounced at me ek baar…….. and my OCD got me taking a bath for 2 hrs straight……
Allah!!!!



Ptchhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Mummy sent me gujia, naariyal ka mithai, and khaasta.. and kaagaz paan and Cadbury Shots-dher saara….
Cheenti lag gaya mithai me.. :(
I somehow got rid of the ants and now the sweets are lyin on my bed, inside the packet of course…. So, now if the ants decide to visit the sweets again… I shall be havin a grt time getting bitten by them….. I hate ants, spiders, all the insects that live in my room…. I especially hate those rain ke flies.. whatev you call them….
And lizards :) :) :)
They give me a reason to live………….
The reason being- KILLING THEM!
I HATE LIZARDS…..
Mummy once told me,……….sorry….mummy ALWAYS tells me a story of a lizard…. HORROR STORY…:D :D :D
She says ki it’s a true story… so it’s a REAL LIFE HORROR STORY…….
Once upon a time there lived a lady…… she got pregnant and one night wile lying on her bed she sees a lizard on the wall.. the lizard was a ‘lady-lizard’…. Lizardess???? Whatever…. English isn’t my mother tongue……. newaz………
To ye lady-lizard was also pregnant….
Ab I don know how the lady came to know that the lizard was pregnant… she cud have been a very fat lizard.. dats all… but newaz..
This lizard was pregnant and so our pregnant lady tells the lizard ki, “o! you are also pregnant!!! *smiles*smiles*smiles*…. I am also pregnant! Wont you come visit me wen I deliver my (babies)??… plz do. Then I shall also visit yours!!!”
Then after the (babies) were delivered… one night this lady wakes up.. by the sound of her bedroom door creaking…aaaahhhh!!!! Kya dekhti hai who!!! She sees this BBBBBIIIIIIIIGGGGG lizard, the size of a normal woman standing at the door and telling her, “You had called me na? see.. I came to visit you… now you must come with me to see my babies..”
The lady dies of a heart attack.
So, I wonder WHO saw this entire drama to report it word by word wen the lady herself didn’t live to tell it to anyone…
Dekha? Wat a RRREEEAAALLL story!!!
Mummy bhi na! mere ko lallu samajhti hai!

I just got a message from Amuda “Man, I hate internment :( “
:( :( :(
Me toooooooooooooooooo………….

I re-read the story.. ive written ….wen I deliver my BABIES..
GOD!!!! Since aapa had twins… my system has been reset to believe that every woman gives birth to at least two children at a time……..my brain has come to believe that it is biologically impossible to give birth to one child……..
This, in spite of ALLLLLLL the deliveries ive seen…….

Deliveries………. Ptchhhhhhhh :( :( :(
I rrrreeeeaaallllyyyy hate internment :(

Wat else?
Am goin now……. :(
Ive got internment from tomorrow…… I hate this whole big world. :(
Allah hafiz………



Movies.... Jumper, Shutter,Benjamin Button

Assalam
Ive been watching films…………
Azhar gave me these films loooonnnggg backkkk…. But im a busy person. Busy sleeping all the time. A busy, procrastinating, lazy person who hates internment.
So……………………..
I saw 3 films continuously a few days bak…….
Shud I rank them????????
Of course, I shud!
So the 3rd rank goes to……………

JUMPER






7 out of 10


Nice movie…. Nice hero… nice heroine….nicey nicey…. But not thaaaaaaaaatttttttttt grt…

The 2nd rank goes to
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON



10 out of 10



Sexy movie.
This film reminded me of a message I got long back… the message was sent by a school ka friend, Reji……. Wait… lemme search my diary……
He he he :)
I have it…….

“It would make more sense if the life cycle was backwards, should die first and get death out of the way. Then you live in old age home with pension. You get your PF and start working. You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy retirement. You party, then get ready for school. Then you become a kid, play and have no worries. You become a little baby. Go back into the womb, spend your last 9 months floaiting…. And finish off as an orgasm…. LIFE ROCKS!” – 3rd June 2006 20:40:31 reji

Super sexy!!!

Welllllllllll
And the FIRST rank goes tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SHUTTER





3650 out of 10



This was the last film I saw that night….. god!!! I was shit scared!!!
Was snargling the whole time…… snargle is a word that shud be in the dictionary but is not!!!... newaz…..

Got internment from tomorrow :(

Allah hafiz


Saturday, 25 April 2009

Incredible !ndia !!!!

Assalam




This is one of the commonest pics we see in India.
I don know if other Indians are unlucky enough to have never come across this in their real life, but well… we, in kerala see it daily in the private buses, poster shops, painting shops, and many many shops….
It is a symbol of what India stands for, it shows our Unity in Diversity. It shows how we all wud, inshaAllah, remain together in spite of all our differences. It shows how we respect each other and love each other for what we are.
It shows that Indian golden thread which the rest of the world took a very long time to realize. It shows the beauty of the gorgeous lady dressed in saffron, white and green….

This picture shows India – the home to one of the greatest and oldest civilizations in the world…… one of the Holiest Valleys. And the best thing bout this pic is that it’s not been taken at a shop or in a bus or at a govt.building… this pic was taken at my friend, Amuda’s home. She has it hung on the wall of her living room. This is the first thing you’d see wen you enter her house.

This pic in her house is the proof of what we call “Hindustaniyat”……..
And Allah willing this peace will never die, however hard you may try!
Jai Hind!













and ya... please read this wonderful post in "An Indian Muslim's Blog" Communal Harmony: Muslim Shop, Hindu God



Allah hafiz

Of All Things Me.....

Assalam
It’s my time to rant. I’m sad. well, it’s not that sad kind of sad to which people wud come running to you and ask you what’s the matter.. don’t feel sad, don’t be upset, it’s ok.. etc etc etc… it’s a very MY kind of sad.. where I laugh around the whole day forgetting wat my problems are and every other moment my heart gets that heavy feeling which I cant explain and then again I remember that oh hell! Wat a crap reason to be sad bout! And well.. I go about clowning again!
This reminds me of the prayer song, “Count Your Blessings”…
I suddenly remember the words,
“Close thine eyes and as thou sleepest, Heaven will change thy fortune from evil to good”
Don remember where exactly I read it.. but, well.. I think it’s beautiful.
Have u ever noticed how problems seem easier wen we sleep them over.
Khair to, aaj im sad…I love my sadness you know! Im that typical Sagittarian who is so crazily in love with himself that the world ceases to mean much for him. Isiliye, my sadness is also something I find better than others’ sadness. I hate it the way people “express” the sadness on their faces…. This “:(“ … exactly like that.
:D :D :D :D
It irritates me like hell. It’s like calling people to sympathise with tthem, and wen they come to you to ask, you say them “nothing” , like a thousand times…. Before finally telling them the A-Z of ur problem, swallowing up a good 4 hrs of the person’s time.
You cud hav well told it in the first place.
Newaz
Well, wat do I do?
Ummm. Like today, it tuk me quite some time to realize that I was sad….. I have this habit of killing my sadness. O ya! Now I get it! that’s why that “close thine eyes” thing popped into my head. Its coz… I just let myself be for the time knowing it well enuf that tomorrow wud be another day inshaAllah and I wudn be as sad as im today inshaAllah.
This reminds me of,

“Life is a blend of joy and sorrow,
Today if it aches , Happiness will come tomorrwow”

I found this on a bookmark.
I love collecting bookmarks. :)
I love making bookmarks. :)
I love bookmarks. :)
I love books. :)

Ummm… another thing I do wen im sad is that I move away… like.. I go somewhere else… ummm… ‘removal of the causative agent’.. that kind of thing.
Coz I know all these bursts are of really really short intervals, and id be ok in no time.
And again these short intervals are a trait of the zodiac Sagittarius.
….
Sometimes I speak to mummy. I don’t speak much to Azhar nowadays. I stopped speakin to Anisa long back. I hardly,if ever, say things to Amuda, though I to like her more than earlier. And well, I don’t need any sympathy. I don’t need any suggestions. I don’t need anything. I just want someone to listen. Or maybe I don’t even want anyone to listen. Maybe I just say coz I feel lke saying, and not really say TO someone. I don’t expect any response. Im not lukin at anyone for support. That’s just not me. Isliye, I found it so amusing to receive comments on that poem I wrote sometime bak. :D well, I don know.
I spoke to mummy abhi.
Faaris is a lovely child. I hate ppl who talk negative. Everything in life has a positive side to it. every person has a positive side, luk at that, not at the negative side.
So, ya.
Sometimes I want someone to listen, and after telling them everything, I realize that I shud never be telling them anything ever again.
There’s no one to whom I say things except mummy. I remember once in my first few months of first year, I was crying bout missin home in front of anisa and she’d told me “…..even others have started getting fed up of ur missin home…..”
Today, anisa told me she wants to go home tomorrow coz she wudn be able to go home for a long time now….. :) 1 month. 2 months maybe.
:) … she returned from home a week ago, she’s goin again tomorrow.
I never cried bout ‘missin home’ to anyone again.
And btw she lives in Cochin… I live in a place that luks more like a part of Indonesia than India.

I have tis excellent mechanism of ‘shutting off’ myself. I don know how to explain it.
I can beautifully throw people out of my life.
Something like ‘doodh se makhi nikal fekna’. I can break relations very easily. I END things with people. I hate having to do anything with people I don like. Somehow, the entire problem wid Anisa is that I know things that make me so want to ‘shut’ myself from her, but I cant. And so all the anger episodes.
I didn’t like Poonam. I stopped talking to her. COMPLETELY. I don hate her. But, prolly if I’d lived with her, I’d have hated her. Dislike turns to hate if you expose yourself to the dislike enuf to let it grow into hate.
If you kill the dislike itself, there wont be no hate. Thank God we were ruled by Great Britain and not America. There wont be ANY hate.
I know many ppl telling that given a chance they’d kill so and so person.
Aapa had asked me once whom wud I kill, I told ‘George Bush’. Now wen I think of it, it’s amusing that I don’t have anyone whom I HATE enuf to kill. It’s sad in certain ways.

My eyes are tired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well… its 3.23 am now. I’d slept us waqt. I got up by Azhar’s call. We spoke bout things. Ended a 1 month long ‘silent resistance’ :) Alhamdulillah.
“Close thine eyes and as thou sleepest, Heaven will change thy fortune from evil to good.”

So, I have this ‘shut down’ mechanism in me. Coz I so hate being wid ppl I don like. There’s also this feeling in me that all relations that DO EXIST.. exist coz’ of God’s Will of course, manifesting thru mine!
I seriously feel that only those of my relations work that I want shud work, that I try to make work. One being with my family, not abbu mummy… or maybe them too. I don know.
I have this thing in me ki I HAVE TO make it work… maybe coz ive seen such a small family, maybe coz of all that I saw at home. They say the first 8 yrs form the rest of ur life.
Again I thank God for makin me a Sagittarian. Prolly it’s that special brand of over-optimism that has kept me goin. I thank God for givin me such a wonderful view of life.
I feel I have the best of everything, I know I aint the best, I know many things bout me aren’t the best and yet I know im the best coz’ well wat can be better than me? This is that typical Sagittarian thing of ‘the world has such a lot of poverty, starvation, corruption, violence, bad people… but hey, isn’t the world so beautiful?’… I don just say it… I LIVE it.. each second of my life.
So iwas sayin how I WORK at a few relations coz I want them. I have known a family of abbu mummy aapa me. Full Stop. Later there was Azhar. This is my world, and so I treasure them, and I know that if I want these relations to work, I’ll have to work. Ive seen people go away. Everyone. Ive seen the house empty with each passing year upto finally wen there’s no one. I know relations are a joke. I know it all crashes down. I know nothing is true. And so wen aapa says she’ll stop comin home, I know its time for me to think….. either do wat she’s telling me to or lose yet another person. But, this is so not like a Sagi.. and so I fear, one day I’ll change. I’ll be myself and break free.
I don want to. I cant lose my family.
Hajira is also alone. Actually, WAS. She found a friend later, that Bengali boy. When I used to see her stand alone in the verandah looking down at the people on the road with that empty look, my heart used to go out to her. No child shud ever be lonely.
Thank God I cry so much. It reduces the pressure build up.
Anju had told me, it’s showing ur weakness. Whatevs. I don believe in 99% of the things she tells me. I feel crying is OK…. Anytime anywhere. I don give a fuck to ppl. So its fine wid me. I cry like a baby on the road, and the next day wen I pass by the same road in the best of moods, I wonder why ppl are lukin at me in such a strange way, and it takes time to realize ki yaar! It’s coz I was crying here. Fuck the crap! Do I care?? Hell..no!

I have this ‘shut off’ for things as well. I have wanted to be a journalist, a teacher, a historian, an archaeologist, an interior decorator and wat not…. NEVER a doctor. i have hated it from ever, never knowin why.
Yes, English and History were my favourite, … but I didn’t hate biology… biology is the only part of science that I did like.. zoology to be precise. I hate science otherwise. Not the knowledge. I love learning. I love knowing. That again makes me a Sagi :) . but I don’t like the scientific applications to change certain things. I don like the attempts of medicine to treat all diseases. I know it sounds so StoneAgeish… but I seriously believe that the more we probe into it, the more diseases God will throw upon us. Whom are we trying to fite? God? I believe in it since God knows wen. But ive never been a real believer in medicine. Precisel the reason why I didn’t take my meds properly for vitiligo… I know the chance of this condition being treated is so low, and so I don want to fite God by still trying to go here and there and high and low to try to treat it. the surgery thingie is just not happening, and I believe its coz the time hasn’t come yet. Wen it wud be time for it to happen, it wud. Wat has to happen, happens. Wats not to happen, wont. We cant change a thing in that.
Yes.. am a bhagyawaadi… people call us bhagyawaadis ‘lazy’ ones who blame it all on destiny.
They forget that we bhaagyawaadis also give the credit of all our good to destiny.
At least that’s the kind I am. And hey aren’t Sagis believers in destiny??? :) they are hardcore believers. They are the least hard working of all, they are the most happy-go-lucky ppl. Weder take it in a gud sense, or bad.
To, jo hona hai who hoke rahega!

“Bhagya se zyada aur samay se pehle
Na kisi ko mila hai na milega”


And there was this story mummy had read out to me from an old Urdu book at home, twas bout destiny. The name of the story was

“Taqdeer se badhkar tadbeer nahi hota”


With the same message. This is my motto in life, if i can call it that. That story changed my life. It made me a believer in the Word of God…. That other Word of God. This word that we call destiny…. That beautiful big pen with which God wrote the story of the world, all that was to come, all that would be. And nothing’s gonna happen that wasn’t written. My sittin here and typing on my lappy.. this was destined. Thiskjvvkjvibcefbnoi typing this , twas destined. A b c f rk . every alphabet that I type, the order in which I type, twas destined.
I read sometime back, an Islamic book on ‘Fatalism’.. don remember the name now… twas the two extremities, how one group of people believe that everything is in their hands, and another that nothing is in their hands. The author told it was wrong and that we shud chose a middle way. The first way is obviously wrong coz we cant do anything without God’s will. The other is wrong too coz then we r sayin that we r mere stones and trees with no will. God has made us Ashraf-ul-Makhluqaat……(abbu’s most favourite phrase or whatever u call it), so we r definitely better than stones.
But well, I believe we r nothing better than stones wen it comes to ‘will’ . we r ashraf only in the other ways of talking and blah blah…. The ‘will’ remains entirely in Allah’s hands. And ya, like ive told earlier in the blog, I absolutely hate the fact that MS Word doesn’t give a capital A to Allah. Vndfknvk Jehovah .. oh! It gets a capital j . whatever.

So, mbbs is something I have hated from ever and ever.
Well, aapa wanted to be a doctor. we had known that aapa will be a doctor. It was like, there cud possibly be nothing else. I know its strange, but, I don know. And then aapa lost mbbs by 1 point. She lost it. she cried. She didn’t get it. something that was so sure to happen didn’t happen. I don remember much of the incident except aapa crying. Twas not a big event in my life or anything like dat… but well I was in the first 8 yrs of my life. And all I know today is hating mbbs widout any sane reason. Knowin that this degree can give me a chance of service, returning to humanity wat I tuk from it, get a satisfaction dat no other profession gives, and to top it all, bring in money…. Loads and loads of money. Yes, money and job satisfaction don’t go hand in hand. Ill have to choose one. Watevs, both are gud enuf.
I guess, my subconscious got tuned to hate mbbs. Like the story of the sour grapes.
And well, among many other things that form part of my belief system, the subconscious mind is one essential part.

I have also shut myself from ‘building houses’, I am an ‘apartment’ person. I remember even as a kid I always told mummy how nice twud be to live in a colony, to live in a small house, of course I was grateful for wat Allah had given me, I learnt gratitude early in life. Alhamdulillah! But I alwas thot how nice it wud be to have a small house, a ‘quarter’ in a ‘colony’. Know why? Coz there’d be people.
Of course, I no longer think that way. Im very happy with my big empty house, Alhamdulillah. But I still haven’t got over the ‘building a house’ fear. Now, this is a recnt fear. Though I started likin the ‘apartment’ idea long bak, I was never so repulsed to getin a house constructed for myself as I am today. Again rooting from the pains my parents tuk to get that new house made. It’s done Alhamdulillah but we don’t live there! :) we r just too used to live in that old big wooden house. :D
I know a pain that can only be felt. I don’t ever want to screw up my life makin a house. I tell everyone, never to do it. never to screw up their lives.
My worst fear is finaly getting screwed just like it happened wid mbbs.\\

Screwing reminds me of the exam today. My end posting, that I screwed up. I told adherent leucoma for an absolute glaucoma. Alhamdulillah I passed. Scrape passed 11/20.
Well, that’s for confrontation. I ignore my other blogs way too much. Almas doesn’t like. But she’s a busy gal. theory of relativity.
Slow people, since they are slow, appear relatively busier than the rest.

I have an OCD of ‘bismillah’. I say bismillah shareef 10-15 times befor I start makin vazu or prayer.

I hate pretences. I read a blog today bout pretentious friends. I hate pretences.
Everything is so fake.
I cant smile spontaneously. Today Azhar told me ki my processor is slow. Oh! Seriously it is.
Got labour room from mnday. Goin to be gud inshaallah. At least that’s wat I hope.
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I fell asleep, and saw ghosts, ppl actually but I recognize them and then as usual I start reading kalimahs. I saw Bhatia in the hospital callin me wid his “meow”. Callin me for iftar , I realize he’s dead so I run, I see am actually in the past…. See ‘soda-kuppi’ glasses and think ya! Dats why many aren’t pseudophakic… the hospital luks difrnt, patients are way lesser…. I strain my ears to confirm the language, yes it’s Malayalam.

I drift in and out of sleep.

I see my laptop is a cardboard ka piece. I realize it’s a dream. I realize it’s a satanic dream.. I realized it in the 1st dream itself, coz I recognize them…but now I know the purpose…. He wants me to miss my prayer.

Ya there was something bout Eklavya bhaiya, Mohan uncle too…. All of us in a car.. and Anu and me eating ice creams and chicken.
Last me I felt a cat near my leg, a black cat. I caressed it gently… black cat is the evil cat. And then she turns into a mouse. I wake up. I read fajr, Alhamdulillah.
I think the whole black and white dream thing is so stupid.
I have alwas dreamed in color. And most of the ppl do, I believe,
A ceraain person in a certan forum (don remember who and which forum) had speak of central vision colouring and peripheral b&w. ummmm quite true. central vision is always more vivid than periph vision in the dreams.
newaz. i prayed

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i slept again
and now im goin to the hospital. inshaAllah will start the series posts, will start the links blog and will write the comment disclaimer today. and ya. comments are not essential ..if u hav read this post. thanks newaz. :)
Allah hafiz
Now reading ... "The Witch of Portobello" by 'Paulo Coelho'.

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