I have been wondering about my life….. a lot….
To be more precise, I have been wondering about my marriage…
It’s not like I don’t think bout it often… but, yesterday mummy asked me a direct question and so I had to give a direct answer… and that is what made me go thru my options again.
Starting at the start, I have always wished to have a love marriage.
I still wish that one day I shall meet the man from whose ribs I was made, my Shehzaada Saleem, fall in love with him, marry him and then there wud be the ‘happily ever after’.
It is this ‘fairy tale dream’ which made pull a past relation for so long. While I don’t mean to say that nothing bout that relation was good, I am forced to admit that it was more so to fulfill my desire of ‘marrying my first love’ that I kept that relation go on for so long.
At this moment right now.. I do not know anything bout who my Saleem wud be. I do not even know if there is a Saleem or not… maybe, after all, I wasn’t made from anyone’s rib.
Yet, my Sagittarian heart doesn’t cease to hope.
And in this great craving for a ‘dream come true’, I have decided that inshaAllah I shall not.. I shall never… settle into an arranged marriage.
And since I have such darling parents, it’s not really a pain to make such decisions.
My parents have agreed….
They shall not be ‘looking’ for me….. and they shall happily be refusing any proposal that comes my way.
All this in the preparation of welcoming my Saleem when he finally brings his blessed presence into our lives…
But, life isn’t that simple…. I know it well.
So, yesterday when mummy asked me, how long was I planning to wait for my Saleem.. I seriously had no answer.
Probably, I shall wait till he shows up.
And we shud be careful of wat we speak coz’ ‘God is in the Word’. :)
And that is exactly wat’s making me think so much…..
Today, I’m 22.
Today, I cud get good proposals.
Today, I shall refuse them.
Today doesn’t last forever.
There will be a tomorrow….
Tomorrow, I will be, let’s say 28….
Tomorrow, who knows if I wud get proposals…
Tomorrow, I mite be yearning to have a family of my own….
I do not know.
I told mummy that I am very well aware of wat can happen.. I mite spend my whole life waiting for that special person and he mite never come…
I mite have to live the remaining of my life as a spinster…
I told her that I’d be earning and that Faaris and Fiza are there to be my dream.
It shud not be a problem for me to be single…..
Of course, it sounds good now… when I’m still 22.
Maybe, maybe as I grow old…maybe I realize that every girl deserves.. every girl needs to have a family of her own..
To have a husband whose arms can save her from all the pain in the world..
To have children who wud see the world thru her eyes….
Maybe.. then I wud change my mind….
Maybe wen the need for a family of my own hits the zenith…. When it surpasses my need for the ‘dream love’ , I mite submit myself to fate and finally ask my parents to look for a groom.
Maybe then, I find a groom, marry him….and live a life like so many other women do…. The ‘love happens eventually’ kind of life… maybe..
Or maybe then, I do not find a groom.. coz who is lukin for an old hag to get married to? Maybe then, it wud be too late…
The consequences of delaying my marriage are too grave… and I know that…
Yet, getting scared of the consequences and choosing to get married now… to anyone whom my parents choose for me and settling down for the ‘love happens eventually’ kind of life would not only be cowardice but also a sign that I do not believe in the miracle called life…. In the magic called destiny….
It’s like I don’t want to give life a chance.
And I don’t want to do that..
I don’t want to get scared of the consequences and cease to dream.
I don’t want to get scared of death and cease to live.
At this moment in time, at this place in the world, I have a dream and I shall live for it…..
Not till I am 25…or 28 …
But for as long as my dream doesn’t change….
I have been reading a blog where the blogger is a 28 yr old girl with a failed marriage and a hoping heart… she yearns to have a family of her own. She feels life is being harsh. She believes in arranged marriages and that love happens eventually.
Yes, maybe they do…
Maybe.. someday, I will be so fed up of waiting for my Saleem that I too wud start believing in arranged marriages.
But, today….. I don’t…. and today I hope that Saleem arrives before the ‘someday’ when my dream wud change..
Maybe when I will be 28, I will want to have children coz of my biological clock ticking away …..maybe then, everything will change… what I think.. what I wish.. what I desire.. what I dream…
But, today…. I am 22… and I can wait….
Today my dream is of a love….. a life….
A perfect Sagittarian fairy tale.
And saying that someone’s dream didn’t come true so mine too wudn.. is as silly as never traveling by planes coz some planes crash…..
As humans, as the forever-travellers that God has designed us to be, we continue to travel by planes…
The plane might crash.. yes…. And our lives mite end.. yes… we mite never be able to meet the people standing at the airport to receive us… we mite never be able to attend that scholarship exam we were going to write… we mite never be able to hold that newly born baby who was born yesterday…. Yes.. yes… yes….
But, yes the plane might land safely…. And then… we will run to hug the people waiting to receive us, with eyes filled with tears of happiness at seeing them after so long….
We will earn a scholarship to study in that esteemed university which we had wanted to attend all our lives…
We will hold a new life and cradle it as it looks at us with its deep eyes full of wonder…..
And since every step in life is a risk…..
And since failure or success are subjective depending on how you take ur life….
I shall wait for my ‘dream’…. As long as I don’t dream of something else…
Life is a fairy tale ….. as long as you believe you are a fairy..
and finally.... what has to happen.. happens!!!