Sometimes even the sound from the fan becomes a cacophony to my ears….these are the times wen I want to dive deep into the waters of time… and dwell there forever and a while…….
And I find myself thinking, time and again, of my future’s past…. Yeah! That means my present… but, the way I think bout my present is by relocating my ‘senses’ to the future, the presumed future, and then looking back at the ‘now’.
“I look back at the ‘now’ when I was so confused, not knowing where to go, what to do and how to do whatever it is that I had to do….. when I used to wonder how my future would be…… and now that I am in the ‘future’… I know precisely what has happened… I know unerringly where I had gone, what I had done and how I had done that which I had done……..”
The other day I was thinking bout how unexciting it would be if we all knew what was to happen to us. The uncertainty of life, though scary at times, is also the salt and pepper to an otherwise unsavoury meal.
Each day while talking to my mummy, without fail, I whirl myself down the lane of conversations and finally bump into the theme that keeps me preoccupied for most of the hours of the day than not. And then like a conscientious student would repeat each word of her lesson again and again, I repeat the same ‘uncertainty’ over and over and over again; as if I am trying to etch each of the thoughts into my mind in a way that no amnesia can erase.
I feel like a child with a little box half full of marbles…green and blue and silver and golden…..and he loves them, each one of them, with the same passion. And each day, he picks each one of those marbles, so few in number that they are; and looks thru them with an eye filled with wonder, the other eye snugly closed not to allow the vision of the real world around him to cause any sort of distractions. He looks on filled with awe at the images he can see thru them. Thru the green one he sees a green horse with a green saddle.. and green clouds… and green houses… The golden marble shows him a golden fairy, a golden wizard and golden trees… Silver streams and waterfalls and silver people thru the silver one and Blue is the moon and blue are the stars, all things blue with the blue one. He looks at them intently with some pain and some pleasure and marvels if they really exist, at some corner of this big world. He rolls the marbles round and round and captures the views in his heart. And then, just as deftly, he places those little globes of dreams back into the box. Never does he tire with this habitual practice. He could go on doing it every second in his life. Tiny pieces of stone- worthless for one, priceless for another.
And so, I can go on and on.. bout all the things that I see.. all the things that I dream of, all the things that I feel. I can have a dream and then break it into a million little parts and then lift each part and scrutinize it from every angle. Then join back those million pieces and re-form the impeccable dream. I can do this whole process once, twice, and so so many times…
Like Archie who’s having his dream marriages… one Christmas he reached a path that divided into two… he took one road and entered the ‘might be future’ where he got married to Veronica… they had twins….lived as a family… and then.. got divorced….
Then he traced back himself to the Y-junction from where he had begun…
And now he took the other road…this other road is taking him into the 'might be future’ where he’s getting married to Betty…..
Probably, after this dream sequence finishes, Archie would have some idea, no matter how hazy, of how his life wud be with Ron and Bets….
What finally happens, remains to be seen.
I have traveled down each of the numerous fangs in the fork of my life….. been there… lived a life…..sat down and looked back at the ‘now’… laughed at myself for losing so much sleep over what wud happen coz finally I knew that all that happened has happened well……..
And yet as I stand here, in the ‘now’, in the past of my future… I know not a thing of wat wud happen…….
Each day I travel down the roads to my future
Each day I gaze at my marbels…
Each day I live a part of my dream,
Each day I wonder, I marvel….