Thursday, 11 February 2010

Love~~ My Obsession

Assalam
I am losing it completely. I cant tell in words how ugly I feel nowadays. The worst is that the reason doesn’t seem to be one that mite change.

Of course, I do believe in God, and I do believe in miracles.

I have always told that I am very tuf on myself.
I, apparently, ENJOYYYY screwing myself.
I have these set beliefs and I can kill myself to go on following them. To some extent it is good, keeps me on the line I believe in, but, beyond that it gets harsh on oneself.

I remember a time when I used to write bout Alleppey, Kerala, Muslims, India and many more light things…. Here I am .. writing bout nothing but Love. It almost appears to be a “Love Blog”. But, I cant help it. like my tagline says, “What’s on my mind.. is at my fingertips.”, I do not believe in making things up. I will go on writing bout love for as long as it remains in my mind.
Even if that means making blogposts that get Oh-So-Repetitive.
A few days back I had a hideous fight wid Anisa. And 2-3 days later, S told me (I don’t remember wat had I told that made her say this but well… I just remember wat she told me..), she told me, that “We all know that you are obsessed with love, but that doesn’t mean…..”
That’s all I remember.. I don’t even remember how she completed her sentence…. But newaz… that’s not important.
The important thing here is that S CANNOT possibly know that I, Almas, am obsessed with love. There is only one way in which she can know….
Anisa
Maybe Anisa had spoken bout me to her .. bout my fight wid her over ‘Love’ ….
Maybe I appear mad to these people….. maybe
I don’t give a fuck.
For even if I am obsessed with love.. at least, I am obsessed over something good.
Newaz…

So well….

Love.. I am goin crazy over this word….
Today…. In the past 6 hours I have spoken to 3 different people about 3 different kinds of love…. With equal passion.
Love between lovers.
Love between friends.
Love between a mom and a kid.

Seriously, if I was on the receiving end of such a person, I wud have shot her/him dead long ago.
Thankfully, I don’t have many people in my life.
Thankfully, I don’t go bout crying to everyone.
Thankfully, the few people in front of whom I do cry .. love me so much that they wont say an ‘ufff’.
Otherwise, I wudnt hav been alive to be typing this (which is again bout ‘love’) .. I wud hav been shot dead long ago.

I have 2 people on my mind. if u have read my previous blog posts u know who they are.
Mr. Azhar and Mr. I.
I go on evaluating and re-evaluating things……..
I go on thinking how badly my life has been screwed.
I go on thinking that yes! I did the right thing.
I go on thinking, that doing the right thing has earned me only pain.
I go on thinking that in the long run it pays to do the right…
I go on thinking and go on thinking and finally go mad…

I burst into tears all by myself….

I cry myself to sleep…
I don’t know wats going wrong….
I am just so terribly disturbed….
I am not able to do anything
I aint able to study a word.
I am in my final year final sem…. If I lose it now, I have lost it big time….

There’s this boy whuz got me crazy…..
And theres this boy for whose happiness I cud have died…..
I keep asking God why he did this.
Why did he make me love one boy so much that I bloody screwed my own life for him?
Why did I carry on something that he didn’t want to be?
Why am I again bumping my head up against a wal that wont budge?
Why am I even NOW, finding it so difficult to count the wrong that was done to me?

Trust me, it’s almost suffocating to think of all ways in which I have been ‘wronged’. This blog is full of posts in which I have written how much Azhar loves me. I have ‘counted my blessings’ so much that even the blessings got bored and decided to fly off.
I wonder why.. what made me pull it for so long.
Why did I do it?
Why did I put in such a lot of effort?

Why is this happening to me?
Why?

I am so terribly lost.
It feels like I have been robbed of my life savings.
Only that I also know that it’s not the case.
I feel like I made an investment, such a bloody huge investment.
And then I just let it go coz I wasn’t gaining profits….
I mean… shudn I have tugged it along….. maybe no profits.. but at least I wasn’t suffering from losses. Besides, I felt secure enuf to have my life time investment rite by my side.
But then I feel ki
Wat else wud make me different from others….

Wat else?

If I too do just that which other gals do, am I in any way different ?
There are gals for whom love is ‘true’ or ‘false’ depending on the guy’s ‘marriageable-ity’. They use their ‘minds’… to judge if they can marry him or not… and then they call it a ‘love’ marriage.

There are gals who have a crush on their boyfriend’s friend, and many others… they change their timetables to spend time wid dese ‘crushes’ and they don’t ever tell it to their boyfriends…. And guess wat? These gals will be married by November this year. Maybe by next year November they will have a baby.

I loved a boy, I screwd my life to keep this boy happy, then that boy dsnt giv a fuck bout my happiness, he gets busy keeping himself happy and all this screws my life further, then I fall in luv wid anoder boy and this love screws me like I cant tell you, den dat first boy and especially his beloved friends get a gr8 reason to screw my life all the more by goin on and on bout how I cheated on him (the 1st boy) coz of the 2nd boy. In this everyone seems to forget that the ‘screwing’ has been mine… all the way…
So wat am I left wid? A blame… dats it! had my relation wid the 1st boy broken widout the entry of this 2nd boy, ppl wud have been so sympathetic towards me… awwwww!!!! Azhar didn’t understand u .. blah blah!!!! He shud hav been more caring!!! Blah blah!!
And now. Coz I didn’t becum a Krishna ki Meerabai in his pyaar, lo! I am such a bad gal.
Know wat ppl????
Go fuck urselves!

I am sad enuf on my own.
I have enuf questions to ask Allah myself than u ppl burdening me wid some more….

Maybe God kept me wid Azhar for so long ,,,,, coz he didn’t want me to be associated wid boys. And Azhar did a ‘gr8’ job in keeping me away from boys. Yes, I am lonely. I don’t have friends. I didn’t enjoy my college life.
But, in ways, I am happy coz I haven’t been as ‘loose’ as other gals.
Wen I had joined college, I was 17, and I was lonely… a lot cud have happened to me at that time. Maybe God kept Azhar as a check to my ‘activities’. Today wen Alhamdulillah, I am wiser than yesterday, God has taken him away coz today I have programmed myself to avoid boys and to avoid gals who ‘chipko’ to boys.
Maybe that alone was Azhar’s purpose in my life.
To stop me from ‘losing name’.
Maybe Haasil is in my life only to help me forget Azhar. Coz forgetting Azhar was so important.
Maybe wen the time comes for forgetting Haasil, god will send someone else.
{though, I don’t want to forget Haasil ever….i wish my next step be marriage…. I really wont be able to take yet another ‘love’}
And yes, I am pacifying myself.
Maybe, Azhar was in my life only to screw it and not as a blessing. Or maybe Haasil was sent only to screw up my relation wid Azhar, yes.. we were spiraling down.. but being the ‘ETERNAL LOVER’ .. I wud have counted my blessing like a fool again.. and continued loving Azhar while he went on saying, “Woh toh meri achhi dost hai Almas”.
But you see, thinking in these lines does me no good.
I need to live…coz life remains.
When it ends, it will end, but as of now, it remains.. and I have to move on.

So, well.
I love you my darling, firstly, coz you loved a boy wid so much ‘love’.
I love you for doing all that you did for him. I know you gave it ur best.
I love you for not losing ur dignity…..for not letting ur parents down in front of him… see? At the end, he doesn’t need u.
I love you also, for carrying it on for this long, even though he went on telling that ‘break up’ is the only solution.
I love you for getting mad at him for allowing those ‘good friends’ into his life. coz’ even God promises you Heaven only if you worship him. No love is unconditional.
I love you for giving him a chance to amend.
I love you for having the courage to set him free, rather to set urself free, even when you didn’t have a ‘second boyfriend’ waiting for you with open arms, like most other gals do.
I love you for being strong enuf to face ‘singlehood’ again after 8 yrs of being ‘committed’.
I love you for allowing yourself to fall in love again. You keep life moving.
I love you for being truthful about this new person to everyone…EVERYONE. Coz anything that starts on a lie doesn’t flourish.
I love you all the more for loving someone so mmmmmm ‘exotic’. You are loving with your heart, not with your mind.
I love you for loving him in the present, and not being scared off coz there’s ‘no future’.
I love you for missing your ex, coz otherwise it wud mean that you are such a bloody unattached person.
I love you for crying, going crazy, getting angry coz it means you are hurt and that u r putting up wid it.
I love you for still believing, still hoping coz you see baby, this itself proclaims that Allah has power over all things.
I love you for the way ur love to this new person is so selfless coz it shows that u don’t mind being hurt again, it shows that u have faith in Destiny.
I love you for saying that you ‘are in love’ wid this boy to whom you have hardly spoken and bout whom you know NOTHING….. people have this tendency to label evry relation they don’t succeed in as ‘CRUSH’ and every relation that culminates in marriage as ‘TRUE LOVE’.
I love you for being in a place and time where you are so blooooodddyy fucking lonely and yet goin thru all this… trust me 99% of gals wud have held on to that old relation just coz they needed SOMEONE….ANYONE .. to be able to talk to.
I love you for spilling ur heart out here in ur blog…..and keeping a smiling face up all day, it shows ur willingness to live.

And I love you baby for ever having loved…….and for having loved thrice…. And for being able to say it….coz people tend to hide their previous affairs in order to avoid chasing away a future prospect of a relation.

I love you for your First Love, in kindergarten, with an actor.
I love you for your Second Love, in school, with a senior.
I love you for your Third Love, in college, with a junior.

I love you gal….. for being obsessed over ‘Love’.

P.S- my Facebook Suggestive Fortune Cookie for today- “Love yourself as often as possible” :D :D :D
P.S2- next Cookie, “Show your true self to others” :D :D

Allah hafiz.


1 comment:

The Splendid Sky said...

You knw what?
I hven't read all of ur post lol its longg!
But u knw whatever i read, i feel like ur getting caught...and no one is catching you.. YOU are caging your own self!
Sometimes u know you just have to WAKE UP! And see things how they are..cuz if theres a guy who doesnt care abt you and u care abt him a lottt, u've gotta know that he isn't worth a thing! Seriously.. i dont mean to sound blunt, but i feel i might have gone thru something which u are right now, and now i just wish that some one would have caught me by the shoulders sooner, and shaken me back to life, back to reality!
We can't be living in the past, if we do, we're wasting a whole lotta precious time that Allah has bestowed upon us to better ourself! and whn we just sit and contemplate on "what could have been" we are just failing by not using all that much time constructively!
Ask Allah for guidance.. Do istekhara if u must.. but do something...cuz life like this, it isn't living...

Well,
i'll stp typing now!
Love,
Splendid!

Now reading ... "The Witch of Portobello" by 'Paulo Coelho'.

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