P.S as Pre.S- It's a long rant.. read at ur own risk....
Am leaving tomorrow, inshaAllah and am really irritated, irritated for reasons more than one. Of course, a huge portion of the irritation is coz I am going, but I am also irritated coz I am basically an irritated person. And everything in this world irritates me.
So, I am irritated.
Yesterday…. yesternight…whatever… had dinner wid aapa and her family, bhaiya included. I knew from the beginning that some or the other ‘hot’ topic wud be definitely brought up. Always happens. This time it was bout my studies. I think these ppl wudn stop pushing me until they finally make me the Prime Minister of India.
Bhaiya told that … and this dial up connection keeps popping open on my screen. Trust me it’s really irritating. Haan .. toh .. bhaiya told that I, Almas Kiran, and my jaan aapa haven’t faced the “difficulties of life”.
I wonder what he meant.
Coz I think every person in the world thinks that he/she has had a difficult life. I feel aapa had an easy life as compared to mine. She had friends and blah blah. Always got everything without even asking for it. But, maybe aapa dsnt think that way. Besides, how can I judge if aapa got all she wanted or not. I am not her. I can never be her.
This reminds me of something Britney Spears had told once… I don’t remember the words exactly but it was something like, “You cant see things the way I do coz u r not me”. So true! Isn’t it? Britney is Sag, btw…
So, ya! I cant know aapa’s dreams, her wishes, her desires coz I am not her. I can never know if she has got all she wanted to get. Maybe she had dreamt of much more. I mean, of course she had dreamt of much more. Everyone dreams of much much much more. Our lives always fall short of our dreams. That’s precisely why dreams still hold meaning. Coz “desire gives meaning to life” like I had once written in my status. A person widout desire is actually dead. You cant be alive and not have a desire. Whatever it be…. Be it the desire to succeed materially, be it the desire to achieve the vry-much-hyped-nirvana, be it the desire to die…. A “desire” it is.
So, well… am very much sure that aapa too wanted much more from her life than what she has. Maybe in one way or the other. So, even though I feel ki aapa has everything I also know that I am wrong. Likewise, to someone else, my life wud appear gr8….. and I don’t deny it.
Look, I am a Sag…. I can love the rose with all it’s thorns. I don’t have to stop loving the rose coz it has thorns. Nor do I need to turn a blind eye to the thorns coz I want to love the rose. I can love and do love the rose with all it’s thorns, all it’s leaves, stem, roots…right upto the bugs living on it.
So, I do believe that my life has been difficult in some ways, in ways that only my Maalik and I can know. But, I also know that this life… the life that I am living, wud be someone’s dream. And so, ya, my life’s gr8. But that doesn’t mean that this is all I want. But, for the time being, we can drop that.
What I mean is that… we all believe that our lives are difficult and the others around us are sailing in the calmest of seas. It’s all right to believe that…. I think it’s only natural. But I really don’t think that you shud go up and say it to someone. I shudn go up and tell you ki “arey yaar!!! Your life is so cool…. You have never seen any difficulties. I have.”
If I do, it’ll only make me look like a fool. Similarly, no one shud tell that to me.
But, well… ppl are not always how we want them to be.
They do things that we wudnt do to them.
They tell things that we wudnt say to them.
Both good and bad.
So, bhaiya after impressing upon me that he is more practical than me (which I’m very well aware of.. coz….sometimes I do feel that everyone in this world is more practical than me) told me that I shudn return to Blair. Not now, at least. I shud continue wid my studies. The same studies which I hadn’t even wanted to initiate, in the first place.
Wait… aapa is here….
Haan… so well… aapa was telling that it’s not bout wat I like to do or not. it’s bout wat I shud ideally be doing depending upon wat the world demands. …..hmmmm…. ya! I know!
Sometimes I wish that it’d be so nice if I really had an ambition. If I really wanted to be something.. to do something…. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don’t. I want lots of things…lots and lots… but my career stands nowhere in it. and I also know that to be able to get all that I want I will need to have a job and earn money. If my family was rich, I wudn have bothered…. I wud have simply asked them to buy me everything that I wanted. But, now I cant expect my parents to take care of me all my life, to fulfill all my demands. So, well… I guess.. I do need to do something with my life. only that, I also believe that man has no capacity to actually DO anything. I believe that things just go on happening. .. the way they were meant to happen.
Yet, it’s only natural that we plan…… that’s wat life is all about…
Making plans.. dreaming dreams….. smiling lips… crying eyes….until one fine day we r ready to be buried in a dark pit, wearing a white shroud.
I also realize that there is no point in opposing things any more than relenting to them. Coz ultimately, only that happens which was meant to happen.
The other day I saw “Bruce Almighty”. In that movie, Jim Carrey gets mad at God for being so harsh at him, and then God decides to give Jim His powers….. the movie then shows how difficult it gets for Jim to be God… to Decide things….
Well… I don’t know wat I am speaking.. I just know that whatever has to happen will happen. Maybe my plans are different from what bhaiya is telling me to do….. but, in any case.. these plans are of no consequence. Coz what has to happen will happen. My share of happiness or sadness will be served unto me at all costs, no matter what. To say that I shall surely be sad if I do wat bhaiya wants me to do is as silly as sayin that I shall surely be happy doin wat I want to do.
Of course, we all have wishes.. we all have dreams.... some of our dreams will come true. Some wont. We cant be mourning over it.
We can only make the best of what we have.
And I believe, whether or not you do, that I shall be served the best, inshaAllah. So I really don’t need to worry.
If my doing something makes someone feel good, and if that someone holds some place in my heart, I guess I shud go ahead and do it.
MBBS really screwed me, but I never blame my bhaiya for any of my ‘difficulty’ (which bhaiya claims dsnt exists).. coz I know that it’s not bhaiya who can cause anything to go wrong in my life. why wud bhaiya ever want to hurt me??? it’s only my share of pain that I was destined to suffer. Yet, I shall alwaz credit my aapa bhaiya, after God, for any good that comes my way thru this darned course. Gratitude isn’t a bad thing.
Likewise, now if bhaiya tells me do something else, and if it screws me.. alrite !!! big deal!!! I wud take it in the same way as I take everythin else.
But I guess, if I don’t do wat bhaiya tells me to do and then I screw up my life…. he wil remind me alwaz of wat a mistake I have made. He wudn luk at the positive in it.
“You cant see things the way I do coz u r not me”.
And newaz….. decisions are taken by someone who is beyond human understanding. And He only choses mediators on Earth. So basically, we all sitting down around a table and talking about something is just a mortal formality to carry out orders from the immortal.
Basically….. everything is already decided….. and we all are just putting up a big show to amuse ourselves…… and more appropriately… to amuse God.
P.S—fb friends requested not to comment.