Friday, 18 June 2010

I wish it on a Falling Star...

You know when I was a little gal, I really wanted to live in a govt. quarter.
We have a very old house…old… and huge.
And we also have a property dispute with my paternal family.
My mummy is from Calcutta so my maternal family isn’t in Port Blair.
That meant not having any relative.

We had neighbours.
But it was in a way that even if they didn’t exist, I wouldn’t mind. in fact, I wish they didn’t exist.
The thing is that…. I was kind of brought up alone.
I didn’t have kids to play with.
Of course I had my mummy, abbu and aapa….. but they weren’t kids of my age you know.
And I remember telling mummy ki it would be so nice if we lived in a small house…. In one of those ‘quarters’… in a colony… where there would be so many families. And they wouldn’t be related to you…. So you wouldn’t have a property dispute with them….
But there would be children… and ladies….
And in the evening when I returned from school… I would have so many children to play with… and mummy would have so many ladies to talk to.
And since the house would be small… it’d be so easy to clean it up.
And decorating the house wud be so easy….
And wen it rained…. And trust me it rained a lot back then…. And in those days most of the houses surrounding ours were wooden…so the roof made a lot of noise….and wen mummy called for us from the kitchen… we couldn’t hear her in the bedroom….
So we used to think ki if we lived in one of those ‘quarters’…we wud never have this problem… coz the house wud be so small….

And I remember my summer vacations…. I used to ask mummy ki what should I do mummy??? And she used to reply ‘go and play’…. And I used to ask, ‘with whom?’… and there used to be no one….

I know wat I am writing mite sound like a joke to many. Coz’ of course there are many many single children in the world… who didn’t have lots of kids around them and maybe didn’t even have parents around them….. but, see… I am not them.. I am me.
And I know this wud sound like a bigger joke… but I guess I had this problem coz I am a Sag.
Well.. whatever…..
They say that our initial few years shape the rest of our lives… yes they do…..

Today. I find it very difficult to live with people. I don’t trust people coz I saw people being so bad to my parents.
I hate the idea of ‘house’…. Coz I saw my parents spending their whole lives building a house amidst the immense trouble caused by my two rich aunts.
I am so opposed to ‘building of houses’ that wen someone else speaks of his plan.. I say something stupid like you shudnt be doing it or something equally blah… it’s bad coz ppl mite take it as a bad shagun….
I wish to live in an apartment… so that wen I have children inshaAllah, they wudn be alone.
I am sad coz fiza and faaris wud be too elder to my children… if I ever have children…
I don’t like seeing kids alone.
Right in front of my house, there’s a family.. they live there coz they are having a dispute with their larger family…. There’s a little gal in that house…. And shez always alone….and she lost her father a year or two back… wen I was at home, I used to see her in the verandah …lookin down at the people in the street… and my heart used to bleed at that….
I don’t want children to be alone.
I don’t want people to be alone…
I want everyone to have everyone….

I want everyone to be happy.

And yet I want myself to be alone.
I want to get married… I hope I do….
And I don’t want to invite anyone….
I do wish to have all the rasm and all…. But if that means inviting people… I wud choose to leave all the rasms….
I want to live in another world… at another time..
Away from everyone…
I want people..coz that’s how life is meant to be.
And I don’t want people…coz people hurt.
And you know in my birth chart… my house of partnerships is empty… ther’s no planet in it….. and it’s interpretation is that I shall have very few ppl in my life.

And you know I never learnt to play…..

And I don’t understand how do so many children manage to grow up all alone.
Don’t they ever feel that they shud have had more friends….???///
Or is it just coz I am a Sag???
I just wish no child… actually.. no human in this world ever be alone…..
And I know certain wishes never come true…..
So, I will just wish on a falling star and let it go…….

As the star fades away… my wish shall die…. And no one wud ever know….

At least Allah Paak gave me such wonderful parents and sister….
What if God had given me lots of cousins and friends .. but no parents???
Alhamdulillah, thank God for the life He gave me… I wont trade it for anything else…

But, I wish Allah gave everyone all the happiness…. Every new child that is born… may he have the bestest of destinies written for him…
And I shall wish this too on a falling star…. And let it fall… fall.. fall..

Allah hafiz

11th June 8.17pm

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