Thursday, 13 May 2010

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
Why is it that when someone is alone, someone is sad, I go out of my way to cheer that person up….. why is it that I am THERE?
And why is it that when I am sad, it’s only my mummy and me?
Allah Paak….. how many times will this happen to me?
You know it that I made this move having faith in her.
I got the answer Allah Paak. Thank you.
I shudnt have had faith in her.
I shud hav had faith in you and stayed back.
But I had really thot that itt wud even sort out my current problems…
I ahd really thot that you had made it an excuse to giv me the idea of moving here as it wud be best for me.
You know it Maalik that my faith iss first yours. Before everyone else.
I never say that it’s my parents who provide for me before telling that Allah is the Giver of all.
You know it Maalik.
Then why?
Maybe I hurt you.
I am sorry.
My faith is in you Allah Paak.
And I know you will see me through in the way that is best for me.

And you also know that it is not as much for the loss that I am complaining as I am complaining for the hurt it has caused me.
And you also know that other side of the issue.
On why is she neglecting me.
That she is jealous.
I can feel it Maalik.
I can sense it.

Whatever be the case.
I am hurt.
I don’t like being treated this way coz I never treat anyone this way.
I kept Azhar above everyone. Then he ignored me. then I went away and now when he is being shown what loneliness is, he comes round and curses me….. wow!!
I kept her above everyone… and I am not ‘unexpressive’ and I don’t have any such fundas ki ‘mai nahi bolta almaass’ and the non sense. I am very straightforward bout wat I feel. She knew.
And yet she did this to me.
I plead for justice.
My faith was in you, even then. I had only believed that she wud be the medium you have chosen to bless me.
As it turns out, you have blessed me indeed, but in a different way. Yes, Allah Paak, I will live it. you trust in me. you know I can do it. you know I can survive it. I won’t let you down khudaya.
But, whatever….. I want justice for my bleeding heart.

For I have been humble enuf Maalik. And you know it. If I bend anymore, it won’t be humility, it would be bowing down to her. And tell me, does a Muslim bow down before a man?
Keep my head held high Allah Paak.
And give justice to my bleeding heart.
And if there are people who are jealous of me….
Bless them with more reasons to be jealous of me.
And you are my trinity in one.
You are my creator.
You are my protector.
You are my destructor.
You have caused my heart to bleed….
You have made me cry.
Heal me.
Give me justice.
Be my strength.
Carry me.
Rest in my wound my Maalik and soothe my pain.
And you are the one who made a prophet out of someone who cudnt read.
So proclaim your “Iqra” to me.
Heal me…. I am bleeding….
Be with me.
I need you.
Sit beside me…..
Fill the void…..
Be my friend…
Be everyone that I lose…..
I am not scared of loss Allah Paak.
It just hurts…. Coz…. You remember? You had used ‘soil’ to make me.
Keep me right.
Keep me firm.
Guide me.
And never ever forsake me.
Come here….
Right now.
This moment…
Come here..
And stay…
And don’t go anywhere…
I put my faith in you.

I can read it in your eyes....

What you have done to me is really bad. I hadn’t expected this from you. But, yes, I also know the reason why you did this…..
But, tell me.. was it my fault? Had I actually DONE anything to hurt you?
It just happened.
And you always call yourself a ‘jealous pig’. Now, you have proved that you are.
I am sorry you were hurt. But I didn’t do it.
And you know it too.
And newaz… I am no Gandhi. I aint going to forgive and forget what you did.
Coz what you did and are doing is very much intentional.

You are fully aware of every action of yours.
And remember one thing my dear….
At the end of the day, it’s between God and us.
And God looks at the heart.
At the intentions.

How much you scored doesn’t matter to him.
What are the ways in which you are better than me is of no consequence to him.
What matters to him is your deeds.
And your deed, this one, SUCKS!!!

And there’s one more thing…
These exams will not last forever.
This course will not last forever.
What will last with you is your conscience….forever.

And you have given yourself one more reason to be called a ‘jealous pig’.

I wud only remind you the times when people had complimented you and I had heard…. And I hadn’t got ‘jealous’ bout it.
But, well… that’s what makes you and me different.

What you give is what you get. And it goes on until the circle closes.
You have started the circle.
It will close upon you.
It’s not a curse babes…
It’s a fact.
It’s the rule by which God gives justice to those who believe in him.
And trust me… I bloody do.

So, treat me how you want to……….
It’s only a rehearsal.
And in the final act my role will be played by you.
So, go ahead…
Treat me how you want to.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Broken... Again...

And today I can feel my heart beginning to fall apart again…..

Do you know how it feels not to receive anything? I don’t think you do.. otherwise, you wouldn’t have kept me so vacant…
You wouldn’t have taken it all and left me hoping for a miracle.

When they say that the miracle wont happen..
I half believe them
And half don’t.

The part which believes them is the one that looks at you
It is the part that had hoped and has been crushed.

And the part which doesn’t is the one that believes in the Almighty.

In any case………..
My heart is beginning to fall apart again…

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
Help me thru this. I love you and I have faith in you. I know you will sort out the mess. I just ask you to do it soon. I am kind of.. worked up.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Life Mantras ~~ Write ~~


Have you ever realized how beautifully peaceful it can be to write (or type)down ur thots.
So the next time you are confused or sad…. take a pen and start inscribing ur thots on paper… turn on that lappy and hit the keys…. Put words to ur thots….
Trust me, that’s the best gift you can give to urself.
That’s the best way of calming yourself down.
The best way of letting loose.
The best of guarding down.
The best way of finding that which you sought.
To clear your mind…
And know exactly that you want….

To actually blow the fog away….
To find the beautiful ocean sparkling under the sunlight………….

Allah hafiz

The Risk...


Ever thought how nice it wud be if we cud ‘save’ moments in our lives just like we save songs and videos in the computer? And then be able to see them whenever we want? As many times as we want?
Certain moments are just so perfect that we wish we could die then and there.. never having to see any imperfection again. But then, there’s alwaz something better than perfection that we expect and we seek to go on…. And in the attempt, lose that which was perfect.

But, tell me… are we wrong in hoping for something better than the perfect?

Are we being greedy?
Or is it that we are simply taking a risk?
For wat is the line between these two? Between taking a risk and being greedy?

They say that ‘you cud have won, had you gone just another mile’. And they also tell us the story of the man who went on running to cover as much of land as he cud so that by sunset he wud have a huge expanse of land as his property, but, unfortunately he collapses out of the strain and dies.

So, when I, as a reader, read these two contradictory things… wat am I to make out of it? how am I to use it to help me live my life in anyway better than I had been living before I had these two sides of the coin presented before me?

I guess that’s the whole deal.

The deal of ‘having two sides to the coin’.

Coz’ life is in its entirety, a big risk. And every step we take is a risk… coz we know not what wud happen.
Then whether I run that extra mile or not is of no consequence.
I may run and collapse and die….. that’s the risk I am taking when I am tryin to get more- and this ‘getting more’ can be either interpreted as ‘being greedy’ or ‘achievein your dreams’ depending on the Author you are reading, or the Swami you are hearing.

Or I may choose to hold my reins. To reason with myself that I need to stop running now. In that case I risk being a loser, coz maybe had I run that extra mile, I’d have the most fertile land in the world.

Every step is a risk.
To move ahead is a risk.
To stay behind is a risk.

And it’s as essential to life as is breathing.

And both of them go on without our conscious effort.
Yet, the fact remains that every step in life is a risk.

If I held on to you…. I’d feel that I have ‘the perfection’. But, that wud be a risk coz I mite have found out, later, someone ‘better than the perfection’.

And now I have moved on. And the risk that lies ahead is that I mite find out, later, that ‘the perfection’ was actually the best. that YOU were the best.

But, at least now, I know that at the end I will find out. I wont continue to live in an assumption…. An assumption of you being the best or someone else being the best or whatever.

I trust in the process of life.
I trust in my God.
Who am I to say that nothing good will turn up?
How do I know that the perfect moment has passed?
And if both are risks- moving ahead and staying back.
I have chosen the risk I am going to take.
I am moving ahead.
And if there are people who’d call it greed, cheers to them!
Wish them good luck in staying behind….
Wish them good luck in holding on to what they have….
Wish them good luck in not losing wat they’ve got.
I am greedy in one way…
You are greedy in another.

My perfect moment is yet to arrive, inshaAllah.

And if you are willing to listen..let me tell you something from the deepest corner in my heart….
The perfection is not in the moment.
The perfection is inside you.
The tiniest of beauty cud be the seventh heaven if God has perfected your vision.
And what are the Heavens to an eye that can see no beauty?

So Alhamdulillah :) :) :)
My every next moment is perfect-er than the one going by.

Allah hafiz.


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