Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
I do not know what to tell you. Don’t you know it all?
I have reached a juncture where I am too scared of complaining to you…. Coz you might just take away all that is remaining of me. I am scared and I am tired.. and I just don’t know wat else to say.
You know Allah Paak? I have become numb to you. I hardly feel any love for you. And I cant even hate you. I get angry at you at times and then I realize the futility of it and the anger gives way to pain…. I am in so much pain my Lord… so much pain…. A pain that I can only blame you for. And yet I cant have complaints… coz aren’t there ppl in worse conditions than me?? I do not know wat to feel.. I do not know wat to say….
Actually I have so much to say.. so bloody much…. And actually I have nothing to say.. nothing at all…
Allah Paak.. I am sorry I didn’t write to you for so long. Not coz I didn’t want to.. but coz I didn’t want others to read…. Newaz… I have left too many things for him…. Leaving my blog wud only add to that…
I want to stop thinking my lord… please help me stop thinking… I want to stop feeling…. I want to stop crying.. and I want to be able to be alone…..
What have you done? And why have you done it…? You remember the ‘me’ I was?
I was such a happy person Allah paak… I cud smile thru every sadness…. I cud wipe all my tears… I cud see the silver lining of every dark cloud….. why then? Why did you shroud me in such a load of hopelessness….?
Dyu remember the posts I used to write in this very blog??? If you don’t, you can go thru them.. the ones I haven’t deleted….. read them and recall that I was so full of love.. so full of hope…I was sad.. but I was hopeful.. and I believe that no person who has hope can be sad in totality… coz isn’t hope a form of happiness??? And look at me today god… I am running away from I don’t know wat…. I am running away from the guys whom I loved…. And I am running away from the voices that I hear in my head…. And so… I am running away from myself…..
But how far can I run away from myself? Dyu remember how much I enjoyed being alone? dyu remember how much I used to write? And can you see me now? Rite now.. can you see me my lord.. can you? Can you see my tears? Dyu know how much I cry? Dyu know the reason why I cry? Dyu hear me goin and askin ppl to give me work coz if I am alone I will cry.. I will die… ? dyu see me turnin on my lap and try to write and then burst into tears??? Dyu see me talkin happily to my mummy and then slowly and steadily the tears start? Dyu see when my mother calls me up just to check that I am alive? Dyu see me tryin to study and then shut the book coz i start seeing the scenes again.. I start hearing the voices again? Dyu see my pain Allah paak? Dyu see at all? Or have you gone blind?
I have all reasons to be happy about… and yet I am not. Why? Why me god? I was such a happy person.. and I loved you so much…. Why did u take away my happiness???? There was a time wen something as small as a mustard cud make me the happiest person in the world… and now …. You give me all the riches of the seven heavens and I wud simply sit and stare… each smile is an effort allah paak… each smile….
I loved myself god… I loved myself for being so full of love…. But the only thing I want right now is to stop feeling….. I know this is a very bad prayer…. Feelings are very important…. I mean.. you know wat I mean… but god feelings are killing me…
I want you to make me a cold-hearted person so that no one will evr hurt me again….. make me cold hearted so that I might not love again.. coz each time I love.. I lose….
And the strangest part was wen I lost in spite of the fact that the guy I loved, loved me back….
It is utmost amazing allah paak…. That two ppl who loved each other cudnt be together….
I am literally fed up of loving…. Loving the men whom I love…loving my friends…loving absolute strangers….. I am fed up my lord…. Am fed up of loving…..
I am drained of love… totally….

I know that man should love….love is beautiful…. and that is precisely why I loved…. I loved with all my heart…. And you know it….. and each time I loved.. I loved with all my heart…. I gave love… I still give…. Even when I don’t get love in return….. but you know what happened in the deal????? My heart is drying up……. My heart is drying up coz of the incessant giving widout enough receiving…… I need love god….. I feel stupid sayin this but isn’t it true that all of us need love? So, well.. I need love… my heart feels like a bank account from which everyone has withdrawn money.. but there have been hardly any deposits….. and I do not want to be bankrupt……
But considering the way that u have made me… I do not think I can ‘not love’ … I mean the girl who has broken my heart the maximum number of times… is still the girl for whom I can take up fights wid the whole world…. The boy who literally tore my world apart is still the boy for whose happiness I pray…. I mean why allah paak?
Why do I fall in love so easily? With almost everyone around me? With ppl who don’t give a shit bout love? With ppl who are friends with you today and tomorrow wud turn their heads away as if they never knew you…….? With ppl who just want to talk to you to show others…..?
And why allah paak? Why was it that the only boy who genuinely loved me had to take my love for granted???????
Why???? Why? Why? Why?
I know I am getting back to the same bloody thing…. See.. this is wat I was tellin you…. I just aint able to free myself from all this…. Half of the reason is my extremely loving college……. And the other half is my own great heart…..
Maybe you gave me some supernatural loving powers…. So much that no one can ever match. No wonder I always love ppl way more than they love me.. and hence all the problems….
I just don’t want to feel any pain allah paak…. No relation can flourish if both the ppl involved in the relation don’t work.
I cant bear the burden of every single relation alone…. I cant do it…. If I am killing my ego for you…. I expect you to do the same…. Not always but kabhi toh….i cant initiate each time…. I cant submit always……
I cant
And why? Just so that our friendship doesn’t die? For the fuck of it….. if YOU aren’t bothered bout the friendship, are u even a friend worth keeping???
I wonder.
So allah paak.. today, at this moment…. I ask of you to bless me with cold heartedness. Make me not love ppl… make me hard…… and tough… so that no one.. no one ever can hurt me… no one ever can break my heart… coz I cant take another heart break…. I cant allah paak…… and please don’t hurt my mom. I know… I nknow what you can do… to make me realize that I was blowing things out of proportion , you can take away my mom….. and then you will laugh.. and tell ki
“’ab batao kiran….now can you feel the pain? This is pain…. This is the real pain..’”
So I just want to tell ki I do realize your power… and I also realize that there are so many ppl in this world who are so sad.. and in such terrible conditions that I cant imagine…. There are children being made to work and girls who have survived rape….mothers losing their children in accidents and what not…
But Maalik… am only human… and I come to you with my own personal plea…..make me hard hearted my lord…. May the only ppl I love be my abbu mummy aapa bhaiya and my babies……stop me from loving….. god plz……………… I cant afford to spend any more love…. I need ppl to love me… and since they cant.. in the least, help me not to love…. Make my heart as cold as a stone…..make me hard hearted my lord. Please. Stop me from loving….. I cant lose again….. and to love wud mean to lose… so help me not to love…..

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