Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Together, in the Rain.

Hand-in-hand and Heart-in-heart, together
We set off for our lovely evening walk.
Soft breeze blowing, Sun setting in splendour
Why then, was he so hesitant to talk?
Feathery clouds grew heavier, darkened,
Perturbed; foreseeing some impending doom.
Enshrouding curses did darkness descend.
He faced me then with an aura of gloom.
Shattering the silence came words painful,
Numbing; relentless, deep stabs on my heart.
The skies now roared, enraged at the dreadful;
Burning cold drops now ripped my skin apart.
Hand dropped, heart blazed; I stood to be devoured
By grief; and now the rain recklessly poured.

~Almas Kiran Shamim

P.S- This is my first attempt at writing a sonnet :)

Written for 

also, a part of the Theme Writing- "Rains- Baarish"


äмän ♥ said...

Awesomeness <3

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

thanks aman :)

Chintan said...

Alma, as Charlie Chaplin said, I like walking in rain for no one can see me crying....


JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

:) yeah :) but i howl when i cry :) so ALL see, rain or no rain :p

Susie Clevenger said...

a lovely sonnet...painful expression of such deep emotion...nice work!

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

thanks susie :)

Steve E said...

When I cry (seldom) it is as Chintan.
Rain will hide it. heavenly excuse for wet face.

Your first attempt at a sonnet? I'd label it your first accomplished sonnet

I may try that form, I LIKE it. those 140, 160 and 55-word things are too limited for my verbosity. And fourteen lines could be a good limit. GOOD piece of pathos! Thank you.

Not being in the 'poetic' mindset, I'd never have thought of...sonnet.

Steve E said...

Wish I had not commented. I want to send you my response to your comment on "Fourth Dimension" today:

“Fly Bird--into that lonely-looking sky
Take me up all the way until I...
Until I cry
Yes, fly away from all this
What all others call bliss
Let me cry at the sky
Let me die in the sky.”

Steve E 09/27/2011
Inspired by Jonathon Livingston Seagull—Richard Bach

Note: If you don't like double-dipping, reject my first comment, OK? But I wanted you to not miss this one--grin! (Pride, ya know???)

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

accomplished sonnet ? ?
Yayyy!! *jumps with joy* :p

lol! Am bad at counting syllables . . It's very difficult for me to get the count right. . . I never know if i have followed the rules or not. . .

And i too find it very difficult to right concisely. . . Haiku is, no wonder, very tough for me. . .

:/ not of a poetic mindset ? ? ? ? :/

i think you have a very poetic mindset :)

Ed Pilolla said...

i stood to be devoured is the line i like best. the mood you transition to, shattering silence and then the rain coming reckless, made me feel the weight of the moment.
very well written:)

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

well deserved pride (*grin* back ) :p

loved the spontaneous creation . . . All the more coz it came from someone who claims to not having a poetic mindset *ahem*ahem* :p

re replied at 4D too . . And peeped into your reply to others . . . (since it's all about peeping :p)
so, your health is better ? :)
*happy* :)

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

thanks Ed :) i know it is NOT 'very well written'. . .to get a compliment from someone as talented as you . .
You guys just dont want to break my heart :p

well, thank you so much for NOT breakin my heart. :)

Julie Jordan Scott said...

very impressive. I appreciate the emotion... felt swept away in the rain alongside the speaker...

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

thank you so much Julie :) glad that you liked it :)

Being Pramoda... said...

I'm not much aware of Sonnet, but i know its one of the difficult forms of poetry..

good work here by you..rain and romance fits hand in hand ..:)

BornStoryteller said...

excellent for a first sonnet. The third quatrain is supposed to be the opposite, taking the metaphor in the reverse direction, questioning, but this works. I've played with the form a number of times in the past few months.

Tale Spinning
The Rain of Tears

Muhammad Israr said...

wow...jalpari ..your first attempt and such a wonderful sonnet...i am sure you will go a long way in your writings...keep enlightening us with your beautiful sonnets, poems and prose :)

Tess Kincaid said...

I love the image of that reckless rain...

Ed Pilolla said...

it is well written. writing a sonnet is not anything i would ever attempt, for the record.

Helen said...

Lovely sonnet ...........

celticsea said...

Great first attempt at a sonnet. They are most difficult to write, and you have captured the passion I perceive sonnets to have.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

@ pramoda
thanks gal :) rain goes well with anything except high heels :)

@ born story teller
thankss:) and i didnt know about that rule :( will try to get that right the next time inshaAllah.. thanks for the advice :)

@ israr
thank you :) hopefully...*fingers and toes crossed* :P

thanks tess :)

lol!!! thanks again :)

@ helen
thanks helen :)

thankss...yupp.. i liked ur work a lot :) :)

♥●• İzdiher •●♥ said...

wow you write so well.I cannot write anything like that .Image is so cute.

I also want to comment on your other post but there is no option of it

JaLpArI - tHe MeRmAiD said...

thanks izdiher :)
glad that you liked it.

Ya comments are disabled on that post. . :)


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