Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
Yes am back to you when i am in pain.
Help me through this/out of this, whichever of the two you think is better.
I aint liking the way things are goin on in my life. Oh i agree that everythin cant go our way all the time. But then, you arent even makin me go the way it is goin.
I am scared and confused and demoralized and all those negative things, you know wat i mean. It shouldnt be. Confused is ok. Tis only after first being confused that we can clear our doubts. Well, actually, then, everything is ok. Tis only after knowing fear that we can be brave. Tis only after being demoralized that we can boost ourselves up. So thank you very much for this little period in my life. But please keep it little. Littler . . . Littlest . . . Littlestest.
I am havin this comfortable life at home with ppl who matter to me, the only ppl who matter to me. But for some reason ppl here dont understand my insufficiency. They are somehow not willing to accept that i can be weak. . . Even out and out bad at certain things. And i HAVE been tellin that for ages. Ya, i have been lucky, Alhamdulillah. It feels very stupid saying 'Alhamdulillah' when am talkin to you. But, whatever.
I do not know where i belong, i do not know what i should do, i do not know how to do that which i should do. I know absolutely nothing. But i am fine with that. Coz i have always been so. I mean i dont even know what i really want except some vague ideas of a loving husband and a happy family. But the problem is that now am livin with people who think they know everything. They think we should plan, we should know, we should blah and we should blah some more.
I am just sooo . . . Well i dont know what. I cannot plan. I dont like planning. I hate plans.
And i dont like struggling. However silly it sounds, i dont like struggling in a way that makes me unhappy. The fruits results outcome of the struggle are just stupid things to waste our happiness over. We dont even know whether we'll live that long.
But you know Allah Paak, i love my family. Or at least, i THINK i love my family. My parents, Aapa bhaiya and babies are the ONLY ppl
who matter to me. No relatives, no grandparents, no friends and even no Azhar now. So, i dont want to upset these few ppl. But obviously i upset them. Coz i am such a :( i dont know wat.
I knew that my lack of knowledge would stand on my face someday. Here comes the 'someday' and i am ready to face it. I will study inshaAllah but i aint ready to have this heavy head through days and nights. God! Not for this! ! There are things which are worth the grind. This is not it.
We work hard for something we are passionate about. Not somethin we are putting up with. Ok. I'll come to terms with my life. But i need time. Lots of time. I really cant push myself.
Is it my fault that i dont really have an ambition? ? I mean is it my fault really ?? I am just so fed up of life. You know Allah Paak, we should know that we are not doin it right in our life whenever we say this 'fed up of life'. We shouldn be fed up life. We wouldnt be fed up of life if we are doin things we like . . . If we live the life we like.
So, either make me like my life. Or change my life. Whichever is better for me. Obviously you know. You cant escape the 'knowing'.
I dont want to end up in a well like Yusuf A.S coz his father entrusted him to his brothers rather than leaving him in your protection.
You are the turner of hearts. Turn the hearts of whomever you think necessary in order to keep me happy.
Whether mine, whether my family's, Whether anybody's. If you dont believe in comin down and tellin me what to do, just make my life take me where i am supposed to be. . . in the KINDEST of ways please. Keep me happy. Keep my family. Please dont make my choices kill their happiness, please dont make their choices kill mine. Please dont make me choose between my life and my family. You must know that half of my life is my family.
I leave my life, my happiness, my family's happiness, my heart, my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my ambition to be happy, and everything else that i cant think of at the moment, in your hands.
They have always been in your hands. I just wanted you to know that i might not know anything else but THIS, i know.
Be with me.


Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.



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