Sunday, 11 December 2011

Random.

Day before yesterday, on FB, I met Rajashekhar. It felt nice to be asked bout Azhar. No one asks me nowadays.
He asked me if I remembered those days. Told me that he always wanted us to be together.
I too wanted us to be together.
I always wanted that. From before the beginning until after the end.
I love you like I love mummy, I used to tell him. You are my home.

I remember all the things that I once wanted to do in my life, still wish to do.
But, life is over - almost.

If only death was not a once in a lifetime affair. We could use it to take time out. But, then we'd have to come back to where we were to find it all the more complicated.
It's good death happens once. It's such a relief.

I always think of my parents' death. My mom too thinks of death quite a lot. Some ppl dont like talkin bout death. But, it's a fact. We'll die, all of us.
It is said that if we think of death twenty times a day, we attain the status of a martyr.
I love my mom. She is my only friend.
And God ofcourse, but God is everyone's property with each one thinking that they are his exclusive owner. Though, we keep saying that we are his slaves, what we truly believe is that we are his master. And no one else has a right to God.
And since I too am a part of 'us', lemme tell you, 'God is mine'. :)
i do not know wat i'll be doin with my life. Am feelin so alone. The people who force their children into marriage with someone they dont like, also love their children. I never deny the love of my family. But I am all alone. My only friend is my mother.
I am so alone. So alone. I know I have so many ppl. I thank God for that. I thank God for each tear. But i cant say that i aint crying. Coz i AM. I have no voice. I am dumb. I can hear. But I dont.
I am back to 8 years ago. Back to 6 years ago. I have a chance. And beyond this, i will lose all my rights to complain. But i cant stand alone. But i should. I might die at 25. I cant screw my life for 1 year. I might die at 80. Does that mean i should screw it ?
I should hear myself. I have heard too much the voices of everyone around. I am alone.
No one is ever alone.

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Now reading ... "Crime and Punishment" by 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'.

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