I do not know how to describe my feelings…
Empty. Maybe that’s the word.
I am feeling Empty. I feel like a pauper. I feel that I have nothing, nothing at all.
I am fed up of counting my blessings. I know it sounds very very ungrateful, very very…. Un-Muslim, but, well…. Am fed up of counting my blessings … and just going on counting them…. While others around me have their treasure chests overflowing. Oh yeah! Shouldn’t look at what others have got. But then, God gave me eyes.
And being the God that God, so famously, is…. I’m sure that the solution he’ll come up with wudnt be to increase my blessings and bring me at par with my ‘Joneses’ but to simply, sweetly, take my eyes away.
‘Oh so you had problems seeing others’ goodies???? Well now you cannot see..Muhahahaha!!!!’
Aaah yes, I’m talkin shit bout God. I’m doin that a lot nowadays.
I’m talkin shit bout a lot of things that I truly, madly,, deeply loved…..
I guess, I’m just too broken.
I secretly wish….. and of course, now that I write it, it no longer remains a secret…. But Newaz…, I secretly wish that what I am right now is the ‘completely broken’ people talk bout.
Coz I do not want to break any further.
But, I also know.. that I am absolutely wrong………………..
That there is some more fall remaining to fall….
I am scared.. seriously scared of wat is happenin to me…….
It’s like falling from a spacecraft
And having parts of your body tear apart and get pulled into the vastness of the space around you…..
And being torn apart so bad that no part of your body remains to crash somewhere…
You disappear while you were breaking….
Like those dried leaves… those beautiful golden brown leaves….which, when you walk on them, produce that beautiful crispy sound…..it’s like you hold one of these leaves in your hand and crush it…. And it turns into powder, getin blown away all around……and nothing remains…..
I am scared…
I am so so scared….