Monday, 30 May 2011

Broken.




I do not know how to describe my feelings…
Empty. Maybe that’s the word.
I am feeling Empty. I feel like a pauper. I feel that I have nothing, nothing at all.
I am fed up of counting my blessings. I know it sounds very very ungrateful, very very…. Un-Muslim, but, well…. Am fed up of counting my blessings … and just going on counting them…. While others around me have their treasure chests overflowing. Oh yeah! Shouldn’t look at what others have got. But then, God gave me eyes.
And being the God that God, so famously, is…. I’m sure that the solution he’ll come up with wudnt be to increase my blessings and bring me at par with my ‘Joneses’ but to simply, sweetly, take my eyes away.
‘Oh so you had problems seeing others’ goodies???? Well now you cannot see..Muhahahaha!!!!’
Aaah yes, I’m talkin shit bout God. I’m doin that a lot nowadays.
I’m talkin shit bout a lot of things that I truly, madly,, deeply loved…..
I guess, I’m just too broken.
I secretly wish….. and of course, now that I write it, it no longer remains a secret…. But Newaz…, I secretly wish that what I am right now is the ‘completely broken’ people talk bout.
Coz I do not want to break any further.
But, I also know.. that I am absolutely wrong………………..
That there is some more fall remaining to fall….

I am scared.. seriously scared of wat is happenin to me…….
It’s like falling from a spacecraft
And having parts of your body tear apart and get pulled into the vastness of the space around you…..
And being torn apart so bad that no part of your body remains to crash somewhere…
You disappear while you were breaking….

Like those dried leaves… those beautiful golden brown leaves….which, when you walk on them, produce that beautiful crispy sound…..it’s like you hold one of these leaves in your hand and crush it…. And it turns into powder, getin blown away all around……and nothing remains…..
I am scared…
I am so so scared….



Sunday, 29 May 2011

Invisible




Standing there, I didn’t know if they could see me.
As long as I had known myself, I had been invisible.
There, that lady with the golden purse………there, that gentleman in his flamingo coloured t-shirt….
They all passed me by………
And I was invisible.
Whether I wished them a good morning or a good evening ……….. whether I smiled at them….. whether I raised my uniform cap to greet them….whether I saluted them……
I was invisible.
And I am sure that even if I jumped in front of them and did a somersault ….i would still be invisible….
It was as if I didn’t exist.
As if I was smoke….but, wait a minute… isn’t smoke something visible…????
Then, I guess, I wasn’t smoke…… I was…. Maybe…. Air…..
Still air…..
But, at least, air EXISTS… I didn’t even exist….
I wonder why the hotel ever hired me……… why did they need a man dressed in white standing at their gate???
I have asked this question … to myself… a million times… maybe more… I never really did count!!!
And each time the question fails me.
I fail the question.
We both fail each other.
Whatever….
For all we know, they didn’t need a ‘guard’ ….. no one dares to break into a hotel such as this…
or do they??.... I wonder…. If they do, they must be really brave….. and I would like to discuss matters of ‘bravery’ with them, over a cup of tea….or coffee, maybe.
And whatever do I mean by ‘break into’!!!!! huh!!!!! How can one ‘break into’ opened gates???
This hotel never closes down like the other place I had worked at……
But, then…. That wasn’t as big a hotel as this one….
I guess the bigger the hotel… the longer into the night they keep functioning..
And this one… the one where I work at…being a REALLY big hotel functions round the clock…
I wonder… if there were to be hotels bigger than this one, coz of course, I am but a small man in a big world… and there could be bigger hotels that I don’t know of…
So, if there WERE, after all, hotels bigger than this one…. Could they possibly be opened to guests MORE than ‘round the clock’?
I mean, of course, they couldn’t…
But, still… sometimes I wonder…… where does this ‘BIGNESS’ end!
So, well… this hotel… this big hotel… definitely didn’t need a ‘guard’.
It didn’t even need someone to open the doors to the glittering guests as they shuttled into and out from the hotel….no…coz these doors… they are of that kind…. You know… the ones that have some kind of sensors.. and they just swish open the moment you near them….
I really don’t understand my role there….
I am just ‘THERE’…..
Not needed…
Yet paid.
And that is all that matters, …. That is….if there is anything at all that CAN possibly matter.
Coz’ whatever be my purpose at the hotel gates… this purpose….
This unknown purpose…. Provides me a shelter for my family… it gets me food to eat and clothes to wear… sends my children to a better school than the one they earlier used to go to.
Still…..
Somehow…..
It irks…
It pricks….
And it hurts…
You know…. My invisibility.


x~x~x



Thursday, 12 May 2011

To Begin...


Assalam
To begin is to open a chest full of treasures unseen, the only problem being the venomous snake that sits guarding the treasures.
And even if I choose to begin, shutting off my eyes to the snake…. The question wud arise as to where shud I begin from?
Coz every moment is a beginning…
Every moment is an end……
It’s like going into the attic of your house after ages….to clean up the clutter…. But not knowing where to start,,,,
Then starting… somewhere… anywhere….
Taking an old cardboard box and opening it to find an old sweater, a torn notebook, a broken vase…
And struggling to stay in the shallow waters of the present…
as waves of memories push you back onto the shore of the past…..
as the wind blows your sail towards the ocean of the future….

And

At the end of the day, reaching no where…
Finally giving up on trying to get the clutter sorted out…
Finally…. Leaving the attic as it is… and descending down to move on with ur mundane life..
Only adding up more clutter in the attic….

And so I hang somewhere in between….
Knowing not where it started…
Knowing not where it would end…..




Reminds me of the Urdu couplet:


“Hikayat-e-hastee suni toh darmiyaan se suni…
Na ibtida ki khabar hai, na intihaa malum..”

Allah hafiz




Now reading ... "The Witch of Portobello" by 'Paulo Coelho'.

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