Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Mask Renewed


This merriment of ours will never cease.
Let the champagne pour; glasses click some more.
No hindrance to the laughter or the tease.
Even if grieved heart is crushed to the core.
The winds of fallacies now blow; so I,
Have left my truth far behind me; To get
Pleasure of bodies, choking souls do die.
So, my soul now cheats, knowing no regret.
Forgiven myself have I, for the cheat.
Forgiven myself have I, for the lies.
Now for me as much for you, is the treat
Of my painted lips, my mascaraed eyes.
With my broken pieces of heart now glued,
Back again am I with my mask renewed.

~Almas Kiran Shamim


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Monday, 26 December 2011

Like you were mine...


Queer it is that you remain so close by
Even though you were always far away.
Queer it is that the words you never spoke
Echo around me all night and all day.
No longer can I keep my love at bay.
Crystal tear drops, now, in my eyes do shine;
I am missing you so, like you were mine.

~Almas Kiran Shamim



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Thursday, 22 December 2011

Meow, Anjana Anjani, Barataang and Dulheraja :)

Hi :) namaste :)
ha ha :p feeling good :) Alhamdulillah :) feeling very 'ha ha ha'. . . :p
khair. .
My meow was bechara bacha phasoed on Dayalco ke board ke neeche wala chhat :( Woh toh thank god ki i had gone to close the ghar when he heard me and started meowing and i heard his Help! Help! wala meow warna toh mera jaan bacha wahi mei phasa pada rehta raat bhar. North India ka pata nai kaha mei thanda se panch panch mor log mar gaye. Yaha mei thanda toh nai hai waise. But still na. . . Fir Abbu aur hum milke jaan ko uthae. :) Rescue team :) we lowered the kambal and after dher sara failed attempts we managed to lift him up. It was difficult coz he doesnt understand Hindi na. Bichada hai woh bichada. . :p kya kade ab? :D ha ha ha!

I truly madly deeply love anjana anjani ka title track :)

Yuhi hoti hai na sabki kahani
Shuru hogi kaha kisi ne na jaani . .
Ittefaqo mei laakho mei milte hai ajnabiiiii. . .
Anjana a a a a aa
Anjani i i i i i ii
Mil gaye e e e
Toh bani i i i
Kahani i i i i ii:)

:) Waise i like many songs just coz of that one special line which drives me crazy :)
i really like Lady Gaga's Alejandro's "You know that I love you boy, hot like Mexico rejoice". . .

I love "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me" from Lady Gaga's Paparazzi

From 'Leja leja', i totally love "Hoti hai, kuchh baatein hoti hai raaton mei, jo jaage hai jogi ya taare jaage hai raaton mei" :)
Oh, but more than that like, i love those thin waisted beauties . . . :( i could KILL for a waist like that. . . Just dont tell me to go on a diet.

My favouritest song is 'Raat ka nasha'. Usme i am in love with this line "lambi si ik raat ho, lamba sa ik din mile, bas itna sa jeena ho milan ki ghadi jab mile " :) :)

:) ha ha :) chalo Tata :) we are goin to Barataang tomorrow inshaAllah :) twelve legs :p

waha pe barasingha rehta hai ki nai mere ko nai pata. But crocodile log rehte hai :) nice na? Aapa is very excited about seeing the 'Creek'. Waise Aapa had got scared in the houseboat trip in the Kerala backwaters. She hates the houseboat ka chalak :p and bhaiya for arranging the houseboat trip. :p

Dearest Allah Paak, mere ko bas ek dulha dena jo mere ko kam se kam ek baar houseboat mei stay karwaye. . . Pileej :-))

*Happiness attack*

thank you Allah Paak :) happy ho gayi Kiran :)




Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Missing you

I miss you.
I wouldnt say that I loved you. But, I liked you definitely.
I was your 'chulbuli imli'
You were my 'albela aam' :)
But, you were only giving me hints. I wont rely on hints. If you've got to say something, you've got to say it clearly.
I once had trusted a lot on the 'hints' someone was giving me. I built dream castles . . . And had them broken.
I have cried a lot in the past.
And I love myself a lot to let someone make me cry again. Ppl may call it cowardice. But, prevention is better than cure. I wouldnt let someone so close to my heart that it starts hurting by a mere tug.

And if I have to let you near, I need some basis for it. Some thing that makes takin the risk of hurting myself worth it.
I dont and wont rely on 'hints' anymore.

And I miss you. More than you will ever know. More than I had ever guessed I would.


Monday, 19 December 2011

The Souvenir



A bouquet of days immersed in your fragrance;
Your souvenir lying on my table-top.
Time would shrivel up the flowers of memories,
The petals would droop, the scent would drop.
Leaving behind
Just a souvenir on my table-top.

~Almas Kiran Shamim




Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dearest Allah

Dearest Allah
Yes am back to you when i am in pain.
Help me through this/out of this, whichever of the two you think is better.
I aint liking the way things are goin on in my life. Oh i agree that everythin cant go our way all the time. But then, you arent even makin me go the way it is goin.
I am scared and confused and demoralized and all those negative things, you know wat i mean. It shouldnt be. Confused is ok. Tis only after first being confused that we can clear our doubts. Well, actually, then, everything is ok. Tis only after knowing fear that we can be brave. Tis only after being demoralized that we can boost ourselves up. So thank you very much for this little period in my life. But please keep it little. Littler . . . Littlest . . . Littlestest.
I am havin this comfortable life at home with ppl who matter to me, the only ppl who matter to me. But for some reason ppl here dont understand my insufficiency. They are somehow not willing to accept that i can be weak. . . Even out and out bad at certain things. And i HAVE been tellin that for ages. Ya, i have been lucky, Alhamdulillah. It feels very stupid saying 'Alhamdulillah' when am talkin to you. But, whatever.
I do not know where i belong, i do not know what i should do, i do not know how to do that which i should do. I know absolutely nothing. But i am fine with that. Coz i have always been so. I mean i dont even know what i really want except some vague ideas of a loving husband and a happy family. But the problem is that now am livin with people who think they know everything. They think we should plan, we should know, we should blah and we should blah some more.
I am just sooo . . . Well i dont know what. I cannot plan. I dont like planning. I hate plans.
And i dont like struggling. However silly it sounds, i dont like struggling in a way that makes me unhappy. The fruits results outcome of the struggle are just stupid things to waste our happiness over. We dont even know whether we'll live that long.
But you know Allah Paak, i love my family. Or at least, i THINK i love my family. My parents, Aapa bhaiya and babies are the ONLY ppl
who matter to me. No relatives, no grandparents, no friends and even no Azhar now. So, i dont want to upset these few ppl. But obviously i upset them. Coz i am such a :( i dont know wat.
I knew that my lack of knowledge would stand on my face someday. Here comes the 'someday' and i am ready to face it. I will study inshaAllah but i aint ready to have this heavy head through days and nights. God! Not for this! ! There are things which are worth the grind. This is not it.
We work hard for something we are passionate about. Not somethin we are putting up with. Ok. I'll come to terms with my life. But i need time. Lots of time. I really cant push myself.
Is it my fault that i dont really have an ambition? ? I mean is it my fault really ?? I am just so fed up of life. You know Allah Paak, we should know that we are not doin it right in our life whenever we say this 'fed up of life'. We shouldn be fed up life. We wouldnt be fed up of life if we are doin things we like . . . If we live the life we like.
So, either make me like my life. Or change my life. Whichever is better for me. Obviously you know. You cant escape the 'knowing'.
I dont want to end up in a well like Yusuf A.S coz his father entrusted him to his brothers rather than leaving him in your protection.
You are the turner of hearts. Turn the hearts of whomever you think necessary in order to keep me happy.
Whether mine, whether my family's, Whether anybody's. If you dont believe in comin down and tellin me what to do, just make my life take me where i am supposed to be. . . in the KINDEST of ways please. Keep me happy. Keep my family. Please dont make my choices kill their happiness, please dont make their choices kill mine. Please dont make me choose between my life and my family. You must know that half of my life is my family.
I leave my life, my happiness, my family's happiness, my heart, my mind, my hopes, my dreams, my ambition to be happy, and everything else that i cant think of at the moment, in your hands.
They have always been in your hands. I just wanted you to know that i might not know anything else but THIS, i know.
Be with me.
Love.
Me.




Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Hindu

This post will contain lots of random things that i feel, are not so random, after all.

1. When i was in Alleppey (my most beautiful Alleppey), the best part of my Sundays was reading "The Spirit" page in The New Sunday Express Magazine, that comes with the New Indian Express. I hadnt subscribed to the paper coz the English paper wala wasnt willing to deliver the paper to the paanchva manzil of A block coz there was no other 'English newspaper' subscriber from that block. So I used to patiently wait for my turn to get the Sunday magazine at ICH. . . Sometimes having as many as four coffees at a stretch. Khair. I found something very beautiful a few days back but i lost the paper before i could copy it down. Today, i read yet another thing that i like so much, i would sing if i could.

It is a short part from the Spiritology column by Sadhguru Jaggu Vasudev. The title is "Indian Culture is Spiritually Evolved". One line from my favourite part in the column reads :

"Hindu is a geographical identity; anybody who is born in the land of Indus or the civilisation that came from the banks of Indus is a Hindu."

I am totally loving it :)
ofcourse, many might not agree. And i wouldnt disagree with the reasons they present. But, i cant deny that i LOVE that sentence above.
I have written many times earlier, in this blog, on how Muslims tend to believe that Islam and Arab are synonymous. (there is a catch here though, but we can keep that for later (dont you know me yet?))
And I am completely against the Arabisation of my life.

2. Islam says that there have been many many many Prophets since Adam (A.S) who came to the world with the message of God, to lead righteous lives, to worship God and God alone but ppl instead of worshipping God, started worshipping these Prophets. Islam says that every 'people' have had Prophets sent to them. Some hadees mention the total number of Prophets to be around 1,24,000. Allah Himself mentions in the Qur'an that He has told us in the Qur'an bout certain things and hasnt told bout certain others. Islamic scholars have collected the names of the Prophets from the Qur'an, the Bible, the Torah and the Gospels (coz these books are mentioned in the Qur'an, thus authenticating them to be in the 'Word of God' category. (catch no.2)) and have found less than a hundred names. Am sorry i do not remember the exact number, But i think twas around 80.
Now am sure you'd agree that the difference between 1 lakh twenty four thousands and 80 is a bit large.
We have a LOT of missing prophets.

3. Scholars have found similarities between the Kalki Avtaar of the Hindus and the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. The Kalaki Avtaar is the last of the Hindu Dashavtaar who is yet to appear. Muslim scholars (some) claim that this Avtaar has already appeared and departed in Muhammad S.A.W. (though, there is a smaller voice claiming the awaited last Hindu Avtaar is the awaited Imam Mehdi A.S. - the last of our 12 Imams who'd be the Imam when Jesus A.S descends back on Earth for the final battle with Dajjal.)
the point here is that, if the last of the Dashavtaar can be a Prophet of Islam, why couldn the rest of the Dashavtaar have been Prophets of Islam? Dont we have approximately 1,23,900 missing Prophets?

4. Long long ago, I used to be an 'active spectator' in the Yahoo Islam Chat rooms. It was around 9/11 and the Chat rooms were teeming with Islamophobes. (havent been to one in a long time, so cannot say bout the present status). These Chat rooms had so much of anti Islam stuff that we wud wonder why are they called 'Islam chat rooms'. It was this post 9/11 Islam hatred that got me interested in religion beyond the 'lessons from the lives of our prophets' that i had been hearing from ever.
Khair, it was in these Chat rooms i noticed that Christian and Jewish abuses were usually left alone. THERE WERE some Muslims replying to them in the meanest and cheapest of ways possible BUT it always fell short. It had to. They could abuse Muhammad, we couldnt abuse Jesus, never in a thousand lives (if we ever got thousand lives, that is). They could abuse Allah-the Muslim God, we couldnt abuse 'the Christian God' coz there is no such thing. Same with the Jews.
These ppl had the immunity of being the 'People of the Book' - our Book.
The immunity which the Hindus didnt have.
And so the Chat rooms where Hindus abused Muslims got really heated up with Hindus abusing everything about Islam, and Muslims abusing everything about them including their 'multiple handed and animal headed gods'. Mind you, am not talkin about 'talks' and 'discussions' and 'debates'. Am talkin bout 'abuse'. No questions no answers. Simple hurling of abuse.

5. Forums, Chat rooms are excellent learning grounds. Same goes with the comments section under any post.

6. I dont say that all Muslims abused others. No. Obviously there were lots of peace promoting guys too . . . But, my topic here requires the 'hatred' aspect. So. . .the emphasis on the hate.

7. This is totally unrelated to the rest of the Post, writing it down just coz i was reminded of it. During our psychiatry posting we saw many patients claiming to have supernatural or rather, 'Heavenly' contacts. Amuda brought to my notice that most of the patients claimed to be possessed by , be friends with, have spoken to "Shivan" - the Destroyer. Hardly anyone we saw claimed contacts with "Krishnan"- the 'Protector' (and also one of my favouritest ppl in the world :) (even Amuda's)) Amuda told me how these patients were, in a way, claiming 'Power'.

Gotto sleep before mummy kills me. To be continue later . . In my own sweet time :)

Note to Islam haters and Almas haters- comments to this blog are closed, you may Post your hate comments under any Post in my blog 'My Islam'. All hate comments will be dutifully deleted. :)


Sunday, 11 December 2011

Random.

Day before yesterday, on FB, I met Rajashekhar. It felt nice to be asked bout Azhar. No one asks me nowadays.
He asked me if I remembered those days. Told me that he always wanted us to be together.
I too wanted us to be together.
I always wanted that. From before the beginning until after the end.
I love you like I love mummy, I used to tell him. You are my home.

I remember all the things that I once wanted to do in my life, still wish to do.
But, life is over - almost.

If only death was not a once in a lifetime affair. We could use it to take time out. But, then we'd have to come back to where we were to find it all the more complicated.
It's good death happens once. It's such a relief.

I always think of my parents' death. My mom too thinks of death quite a lot. Some ppl dont like talkin bout death. But, it's a fact. We'll die, all of us.
It is said that if we think of death twenty times a day, we attain the status of a martyr.
I love my mom. She is my only friend.
And God ofcourse, but God is everyone's property with each one thinking that they are his exclusive owner. Though, we keep saying that we are his slaves, what we truly believe is that we are his master. And no one else has a right to God.
And since I too am a part of 'us', lemme tell you, 'God is mine'. :)
i do not know wat i'll be doin with my life. Am feelin so alone. The people who force their children into marriage with someone they dont like, also love their children. I never deny the love of my family. But I am all alone. My only friend is my mother.
I am so alone. So alone. I know I have so many ppl. I thank God for that. I thank God for each tear. But i cant say that i aint crying. Coz i AM. I have no voice. I am dumb. I can hear. But I dont.
I am back to 8 years ago. Back to 6 years ago. I have a chance. And beyond this, i will lose all my rights to complain. But i cant stand alone. But i should. I might die at 25. I cant screw my life for 1 year. I might die at 80. Does that mean i should screw it ?
I should hear myself. I have heard too much the voices of everyone around. I am alone.
No one is ever alone.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Reminded of.

I am reminded of many things. I shall write down five of the short ones here. Others can be saved for later posts coz what is a life without procrastination . . .

1. It's from Salman Rushdie's Midnights Children (Yupp, the fatwa guy). I dont remember the exact words but it talks about the Christian missionaries of those days and the Hindu converts to Christianity. The new converts asked them questions like, 'What colour is Jesus?' And the missionaries knew that white or black could sound partial
so they told 'blue'. This pleased the converts. It was easy to worship a blue Jesus after having worshipped a blue Krishna for so long.

2. In a very old Post, the first 21 reflections I think, I have written bout those things which Azhar used to say that irritated me a lot. One of them was calling Allah 'dude'. I used to think it is very disrespectful. That was during '21' reflections.

3. Advait had told me on one of our casualty nights, "Almas, if there is a girl, there is a boy."

4. Recently Advait told, "If it is my day , I'll get it."

I wouldnt write the context in which both these statements were told. I expect myself to remember.

5. This is from "City of Angels", where the surgeons are operating on a patient. . . And they are losing the patient. The lead actress (i think her name is Meg Ryan) who is a surgeon, says somethin like 'we wont lose her'. . . Somethin like that. . . Meaning they wouldnt let the patient die. And Niccage, who plays (an) Angel of Death in the movie, just stares at her with those extremely beautiful eyes and a blank look coz HE knows the patient IS going. THAT is why he is there - to take the patient away.



Now reading ... "The Witch of Portobello" by 'Paulo Coelho'.

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