Sunday, 2 August 2015

Nothtings

Know wat? Most of the times I really feel like writing, I am not near my laptop. I had noted down "Write in your blog" as one of the things to be done over the weekend, and that's the only reason why I'm here typing down whatever is coming to my mind. Not that I have done all the other 'to dos' in my list. But, the higher the completion rate, the better it is. Nai? And now, that I am here, I will write down a few things that have been troubling me over the past days. The most important one and that which takes away a big part of my thinking time is the huge physical distance between my parents and me. On the one hand I am reminded of my own life and all that I want out of it, on the other hand I am reminded of how a life lived only for myself is worthless. I'm not even in a place where I can make a difference to anyone's life. Everything about everything seems superficial to me right now. It's almost as if all the meaning in the world rests there at home. In the company of the people who matter most to me. And to whom I matter most. Sometimes I wonder what it is that I chase. Nothing is achievable. Not in my current work, at least. I rather drive my parents to pahaad and sit with them looking at the beautiful sky just as they did when I was a child. There's this person who is all mind and no heart. I can't be and don't even wish to be that. I want to be a little bit of everything. Everything is shallow and superficial. I have no idea where to look for depth. I want this but I also want that. And it really isn't possible. If someone asks me to close my eyes and say what it is that I desire most, it would be the happiness of my parents. Why then am I so far away from my parents? Had it been for some work which inspired me from within, I would have forgiven myself. Coz is not self love greater than all other love? But here I am doing God knows what while my parents spend lonely nights and days. Is this how it all ends? With no one by your side? People for whom you spent every little drop of your life? People who, otherwise, claim to love you so? Life could be sadder I know. But, khair.... I wish I could give you all the happiness in this big world. I love you.

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